I wrote this for an english short story project and want some feedback. Please tell me what you think. Its a murder mystery with a hint of romance. When It starts using me my and I its the thoughts of them it was supposed to be italisized but didnt show up


1. runaway

He could still envision the party from before as he sat in the dreary room. His best friend, William, hosted this party for the neighborhood. He lives with William because he is looking for a house. He stood on the balcony and watched couples walk into the mansion in Alabama.  Men were dressed in fancy black suits and ties. Women were dressed in long, pastel, colored dresses. He followed the sound of sweet jazz and turned into the ballroom. Couples danced across the floor. As he was sipping punch he saw a girl, beautiful and lonely, in the corner of the room.

He walked over and asked her to dance, “My name is Laurence. Would you care to dance?”

    Her sweet voice responded, “I would love to. I am Marilyn.” She was short with long brown hair and he couldn’t stop thinking about her baby blue eyes. She’s so fragile and innocent he thought. She couldn’t stop thinking about his beautiful green eyes and jet black hair. They talked about their entire lives as they danced in the neverending night. She inquired what he was like as a kid. He told her about when he was five and watched his parents get killed and how he lived in a bunch of different houses. There’s something dark and mysterious about him, yet he seems almost like an innocent child  she thought. Marilyn told him how she had many siblings growing up in a tiny house on a farm. Also, how she stops by the bookstore every morning to have a cup of coffee and read before work. The party lasted hours more until they were the last people there.     

    He snapped back into reality as someone knocked on his door. “Come in,” he screamed because he did not have the nerve to stand up. Laurence slowly looks up as the person walked into the room and it was her. The short, sweet, and innocent girl, Marilyn, dressed up in a Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) uniform. She was amazed how the mansion had looked so different from the night before. All the memories came flooding back. She could still hear the music of the party and the smell of food swirled her nose. She tastes a bitterness in her mouth because of how trashed and nasty the mansion now looked. All down the walls blood dripped. Vases, plates, and all sorts of glass shattered everywhere. In the middle of the room the dead body of the host lay. And in the corner sitting in a chair was the guy she danced with all night. He stared at her with such intensity as she captured the mess. He could feel the water dripping down his glass from the ice cubes. She still looks as beautiful as yesterday, but with a hint of disgust at what the murderer had done he thought.

    “Hi. What on Earth are you doing here?” she asked astoundedly.

    “I live here with or now lived with William.” The words coming out of his mouth felt so surreal. Laurence couldn’t believe that someone had killed William, his best and only friend. First, my parents, now this. Maybe someone is trying to make my life awful. Or I’m just paranoid; Laurence suggested to himself.

    “Laurence I’m so sorry about this. Especially because of what happened to your parents, but this is my case and it can’t get too personal.” He’s such a sweet guy he doesn’t deserve any of this. I have to go back to investigating. My job is to investigate all suspects and Laurence is a suspect so I have to. “Laurence did you notice anything weird last night after everyone left? And do you mind if I look around a bit?”

    “No I went to bed after you left and I thought William was already in bed, but I guess not. You can look around I don’t care I’m just going to sit here.” It’s so weird how Laurence is just sitting here looking at the body. Marilyn writes down her notes and inspects Williams body. She put his body in a body bag so she can send it to the doctor. Marilyn starts by inspecting the mansion for any guns. After she found no guns she inspected the silvery knives and traced them for any blood prints. Once again Marilyn found nothing. She reports back to headquarters and starts on her next inspection. Marilyn uses a UV light to look for traces of cleaned up blood around the mansion. She found no traces of cleaned up blood anywhere. By the time Marilyn gets done with that it is lunch time.     

    “Hi Laurence I’m going out to get lunch at the diner down the street do you want to come along?”

    “No I’m good. I am going to go to my room and take a nap. You can wake me when you get back.”

    “Okay then. Do you want me to bring you anything back?”

    “You can get me a burger and fries if you like.”

    “Okay Laurence. I will be back soon.” I get why he does not want to do anything, but he is acting really weird. And he needs to get his mind of off things, but I can not make him do anything he does not want to do. Marilyn gets in the car, turns on the radio, and drives to the diner down the street. Marilyn sits in the booth in the far corner as Betty, the waitress, comes over.

    “Hey Marilyn, what can I get you today?”

    “Hi Betty. I just want a cheeseburger, some fries, and a chocolate shake.”

    “Coming right up. What are you in here for today?”

    “There was a murder at the William mansion down the street?”

    “Oh my. I bet it was that weird kid living with him.”

    “No I don’t think so.”

    “I don’t know. I’m going to go put your order in.” I do not know who it is and I cannot find any evidence. Marilyn’s ex boyfriend, Benjamin, crossed over to her booth.

“Hello Marilyn. It has been a long time since I last saw you.”

“Hello Benjamin. Yes it has been a long time since I saw you last. What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing. I am just in town visiting my parents and decided to get something to eat. What about you?”

“I am working and needed to eat.”

“Oh. Did you miss me?”

“Ew. No. I actually met someone new last night.”

“Oh. Is that why you think Laurence did not do it? You like him,” shouted Betty coming from the kitchen carrying Marilyn’s food.

“No, that is not why.” Marilyn finished her burger and ordered Laurence’s food. When she got back to the mansion she got a call from her boss.

    “Hello Marilyn. We got news that William was stabbed in the heart. It was an immediate death and there should be a lot of blood wherever he was stabbed. So, look for any knives or scissors with blood or traces of blood on it.”

    “I already did boss and I found absolutely no blood anywhere in the house or on any of the knives or scissors. I cannot find what could have possibly been the murder weapon last night.”

    “We are looking at a tough case and someone who is amazing at covering things up. Someone who can make it seem like he has an alibi.”

    “I will look everywhere and check everyone’s alibi again. I’m not walking away with an open case.”

    “Okay Marilyn. Good luck!” Where is somewhere that would be easy to clean up and hide blood? Where is somewhere easy to hide a murder weapon from an FBI agent? I already looked everywhere for blood and murder weapons there is absolutely nowhere that I have not looked yet. Maybe I could look around the yard for any newly dug up patches. Marilyn went to the backyard and looked for patches of dirt or grass that seem like they have been tampered with. She searched every little, tiny, spot in that backyard and nothing. She went to the front yard to look and again absolutely nothing. Frustrated and confused she just wants to give up. I will not give up under any circumstances. That is not an option. Marilyn went back inside, sat down in a comfy chair, and started to go over everyone’s alibi. Then, she remember what her boss had said. It could be someone that made sure they had an alibi, but a couple of hours are unknown. Marilyn then called her boss again.

    “Hi! Sorry it’s me again. I was wondering if the doctors have an estimated time of death for me.”

    “Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you the doctors said William died around 3 in the morning. Is that helpful for you Marilyn?”

    “Yes it was very helpful. Thank you very much!” I left the mansion at around 2 in the morning. That means Laurence could have done it, but I do not think he did. Especially after everything he’s been through. I will have to search his room and William’s room again. She searches and searches and nothing. She starts to look in his file and it turns out he was a psych patient in the hospital downtown. He was admitted in there after he turned 18 and was on his own. He never mentioned that last night. It must be because of his parents. I bet he is a lot better now and he would never do that to his best friend, but I got to get the full story from him. Marilyn walks ups to Laurence’s room and wakes him up. “Hey Laurence. Here is your lunch. You looked so peaceful sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. I have a couple of questions for you.”

    “Thanks Marilyn. Go ahead and ask me anything you would like.”

    “First off, were you admitted into the psych hospital downtown?”

    “Yes I was, but that was a while ago and I’m on my meds and doing a lot better now.”

    “Why didn’t you mention that to me last night or earlier today?”

    “That part of my life is behind me and it is on file if anyone needed that information.”

    “Okay. Thank you for cooperating. I am going to leave you to eat alone and go investigate even more.”

“Bye Marilyn.” As she walked out of the room she could not stop thinking about how Laurence was so honest and true to himself. He did not keep any secrets from her. He is such an amazing guy. I absolutely love that I got to know him and that I can still get to know him after I am done with this case. I know he didn’t do it, but I have to convince my boss and that might be a little hard considering his background. She went through everything she has and no evidence pointing to anyone. The person who did this covered themselves up really well. I think my time is up and it is dinner time at this point. I am going to invite Laurence to dinner he needs to get out of the house or I can make him a nice dinner and sit in his bedroom and talk.

“Hey Laurence do you want to go out to eat or I could make you dinner and we can sit in here and talk? What do you think?”

“Yeah. I think a nice homemade meal would be really nice right now.”

“Okay. Coming right up. I will make you some chicken and a nice salad.”

“That sounds absolutely amazing.” Marilyn went down to the kitchen and started cooking. She finished up cooking and they sat on the bed talking for a while when she got a call from her boss.

“Hello Marilyn. I am calling because we have a lead. We think that Laurence murdered William.”

“I don’t think so. I interviewed him twice today. He was completely honest with me and  even after everything he has been through it just does not seem right.”

    “I think he did. Unless you can prove me wrong we are going to take him under custody.” My boss cannot do that. First off, there is no proof. Secondly, he wouldn’t do that because now he loses his house.

    “You have no proof at all that he did it. Therefore you cannot take him into custody.”

    “There is no proof for anyone.”

    “That means this case is to be left open for others to look through and for us to call it quits.”

    “NO! Unless you can prove us wrong on Laurence he is being taken into custody and we are going to look into you for tampering because there is no way there is no evidence found.”

    “I did not do anything and you know what I will prove you wrong.” I can’t believe that my boss is being really ridiculous. It is like he is setting both of us up. We have to leave. We have to run.

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