Beautiful life

I am 14 years old. I'm writing all my thoughts here. Hard times, good times.
Feel free to comment.
(I'm from Denmark so my English is not perfect. Don't judge)

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13. January

Sunday 1.

Happy New Year! I have developed a lot this year but he rest has been... well... shit. Anyways, I hope this year will be better, at least it's gonna be more exciting.

Wednesday 4.

I stayed home from school today because I sat up most of the night crying, school is already too much. I could not have had a worse start at school. God I hate that place so much! The teachers don't get how it is having anxiety, the boys are making fun of me and my two friends, they make fun of cutting, suicide and starving yourself. I know that they just do it because they know that it is a sensitive subject for us, but I can't deal with it. I don't know if I should just ignore them like I've done so far or if I should tell them what they're actually making fun of because they don't get, how much self hate and how much inner pain it takes to even think about cutting yourself or committing suicide. I was once friends with one of the boys and I told him about some of my own struggles, it really hurts when he makes fun of it because he of all should know better. I regret telling him so much, I am afraid that he will use it against me.

Well my two friends parents and my parents are going to a meeting with some of the teachers. The teachers make it sound like it is us who are the problem. I hope it goes well.

Thursday 12.

I don't know if school is better or worse. It's bad in another way right now. My mom and dad decided to do something about the bullying so now I just hope it's gonna change. And it hasn't been that bad this week, but there is a lot of attention on me and my two friends and I really don't like that. It's like we're "those three" the weak ones. I hate admitting to other that I'm weak I'm to proud to do that, I hate when people see me as a weak person. I may be mentally unstable but that doesn't mean that I'm weak. It takes a lot of fighting with my own mind to even get up in the morning, but I usually win. Of course not always but usually.

I know that I'm more sensitive right now, I feel all energies strongly, I can feel all, from people around me from everywhere.

Saturday 14.

So the regional championships which leads to the state championships was today, and I missed it.. I wasn't able to go because of my damn anxiety! And I'm not in shape at all because I haven't had any energy left after school to go training. This was the last big competition that was left before I leave for the border school, it sucks! I saw pictures on Facebook of all the others winning tons of medals, knowing that that could have been me. I'm so god damn disappointed of myself. Why can't I just get myself together and actually achieve something? I'm stuck in this hell of a feeling!

Monday 16.

There was a meeting in the class today, about our wellbeing in the class. The teacher showed us the results of a test we made las week about how we feel. I felt really exhibited. And the teacher said that it wasn't my classmates fault that me and my friends feel the way we do. Yeah sure, of course it isn't your fault, we don't care that you make fun of suicide and cutting, of course it's all our own fault, think woman!!

I'm getting worse... I'm really scared that I'm gonna hurt myself again, god I wish I had never been born! I don't know what to do, I feel so alone and I can't see any bright future...

Friday 20.

I stayed home from school today because I feel sick, and I watched this really mind blowing documentary about the universe. It is really interesting how indescribable wonderful space and time is, how a black hole can contain a hole other universe witch has another black hole with another universe and so on. I feel so small. But now I just want to find out more, I want to discover more infinity. And I'm just a tiny tiny peace of stardust as everyone else, and I feel kinda worthless in this big world, so I want to make something great out of my life. I don't want to be just another human being, I want to make something out of my life I want to do whatever I want without thinking what other people think of me, I want to learn more about science and history, not the way we do in class but, you know, interesting.

It's actually pretty funny how we all have our own thoughts, problems and feelings, like our own infinite universe inside, it's amazing, and we all think that we're special in some kind of way, that we're a part of something bigger, but we are just these small pieces of stardust in the infinity. And there is no God watching over us there is no bigger meaning with our existence there is no bigger power than gravity.

Yeah I'm blown away!

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