Beautiful life

I am 14 years old. I'm writing all my thoughts here. Hard times, good times.
Feel free to comment.
(I'm from Denmark so my English is not perfect. Don't judge)

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4. April

Monday 4.

I can hold knives again! Yay! I think I'm getting better. I feel happier, but I still got anxiety of deep water. I just want to swim again, I miss it so much.

Last Saturday there was a swimming competition where my team participated. I just sold sandwiches. It was a bit boring. When it was all finished, a boy from my team gave me his medal. I just got sad because that medal would just remind me of that I couldn't participate. With tears in my eyes I said to the boy that he should take the medal back. I think he could see that I was sad. He gave me a hug and said that he was sorry that I couldn't participate, and I told him that it would just remind of how I felt. Then he said that I should think of him instead, so I kept the medal. That just made my day. And my weekend.

My teacher finally told my class how I feel. That's fine. I don't think my classmates understood it, but that's okay.

Sunday 10.

I don't know who my real friends are anymore. One of them is kind of angry because I feel how I feel and the other one said that she doesn't believe that I'm anxious. This made me really sad and i really need their support right now.

I don't know if I'm getting better or just getting used to the pain. But tomorrow I am going to talk to my therapist, and I hope that she will make me feel better.

Monday 11.

So I spoke to my therapist today. She's amazing! She made me look at myself like I was another person and in that way it was much easier for me to explain everything. Now I have to practice going to deep water. I need to learn to accept my feelings and talk about them. Not keep them inside and try to forget them.

Monday 18.

So, i stayed at school an hour longer than I normally do. It was tough, but I made it. Now I'm really tired. I think I'm going to practice in the deep water later today. Not because I want to, but at the same time I do. I feel weird today. Like I don't know what I feel. Maybe it's just because I'm tired. Everybody around me falls apart, and I don't feel that I can be there for them, because I also have to take care of myself. One my classmates told me that she has suicidal thoughts. I don't know if I should believe her because sometimes she just wants to get attention. Maybe she thinks that I got some attention and then she says this so that she can get attention too... I don't know. Right now I'm just there for her. If it's true I just want to help her.

My confirmation is in two weeks. I'm not really excited. I don't want the party afterwards. There are just too many people, and they all expect me to be happy, but that is hard sometimes.

Well... My life is a mess...

Wednesday 20.

My friends are so sweet. Yesterday I told them that I was really nervous because I was going to practice in the deep water. One of my friends, told me that it was all gonna be ok, they could come with me. But I told them that they didn't have to, I would bring my dad. So later I went to the swimmhall hall. My grand cousin was also there, and he came up gave me hug, and helped me through with some goals I had to reach, so that I would think of that goal and not the other thoughts. I improved with one and a half meter. I'm really proud.

Today I'm going to teach the little kids at the swimmhall. My coworkers are the best, especially one of them. He is two years older than me. We always tease each other a bit, of course only in a fun way. We hug all the time... I don't know what to do...

Sunday 24.

Last Friday was my cousins confirmation. It was okay. I only got one panic attack. There were so many people, and I only knew half of them. My family kept saying to me " So, it's your turn next time. Aren't you exited?" And I was just like " Yeah of course, I'm really nervous." But I'm not. I'm not exited at all, I'm not nervous, I just want it to be over. And it's not because I'm not thankful for all the things my parents did to make me happy. I just can't handle it. There is only one week left. I just want this week to be the slowest one of all.

Friday 29.

So, yesterday I spoke with my therapist. We talked about my confirmation, how I feel not normal and wrong and weird for not being exited. She gave me some lessons to do every day at home until Sunday. So I'm trying...

I'm a bit sick at the moment. Headache, stomachache, nothing dramatic. I just hope it will go away before Sunday.

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