The Coffee Quest

Join the magical adventure of Sir Tuesday von Thursday De Bruyn as he journeys to find Costa Coffee and avenge his dead wife.

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26. Chapter 26 - We should probably progress the plot

I then realised that I had completely strayed from the plot line of this story which plot line in itself was quite shocking. I quickly grew tired of random fourth wall breakings, and decided to stop going off on tangents. At least until the next time I go off on a tangent.

Tuesday was a day of the week that apparently did not exist in Palau. I found this out when I fel asleep on a monday, and woke up on wednesday.

At first I thought to myself, wow I must’ve slept like a dead tree (That’s because in the native language of Palau, there is no word for log). Then my second thought was, man I need some breakfast, however breakfast in Palau traditionally consisted of a dead monkey that was sautéed in it’s own feces. So I thought I’d pass. Then I stumbled across the giant big thing in the sky that is somewhat similar to a calendar. There are two things wrong with that name. The first thing is that it is not in the sky. It is simply much much larger than everything in the vicinity. The other thing wrong with it, is that it is not similar to a calendar because it is actually a volcano. However on the steep slope of this volcano, there just so happened to be a calendar shop which sold novelty calendars shaped like volcanoes, and had also been out of business for 40 years.

After pondering what do accomplish this fine morning, I wandered into a bar. Ouch! That was so funny my sphincter exploded releasing excrement almost, but not quite, everywhere. Inside this bar I saw a tall man with approximately 1.5 limbs and only one heart, so it was not Doctor Who. I was bewildered, baffled, dazed and confused at the prospect of reading a prospectus written by a man who might be deceased, if he wasn’t in fact sitting in front of me divulging into all of his innermost racist desires. My cousin Steve paused his story, coughed gently, and excavated globules of snot from his nasal passages. Steve had arrived in Palau at a previous hour in order to order a selection of hors d'oeuvres. Steve was a Nazi…


 

hating jew, who had suffered greatly at the hands of somebody quite vicious, with whom he was still quarreling with today. His arch-nemesis David von Stanislaus Apfel Strudelsson. They got on just like an overheating nuclear facility gets along with densely populated human settlements, which is in-fact, not very well at all. He was a native of Australia, and was famous for his beloved cherry, chocolate and rum stew, which had the fascinating effect when taken aurally left the user almost but not quite dead, with a brick shattering the cerebral cortex. This had nothing to do with pouring the stew down your ear, rather that if you touched his cooking, he would immediately throw the nearest object at your skull which more often than not was a brick.

 

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