The Coffee Quest

Join the magical adventure of Sir Tuesday von Thursday De Bruyn as he journeys to find Costa Coffee and avenge his dead wife.


2. Chapter 1 - Intercourse

Who ateth myne sandwich? - William Blake


One day I, Sir Thursday Von Tuesday de Bruyn decided that intercourse had to be earned. So, violently, I met my wife, Emily N'gongo Avocado Von Tuesday de Bruyn. Fluids gushed majestically from my lightbulb's water container, whilst I relentlessly brushed her teeth. Gloriously, I convulsed the titanic toothpaste bottle, which oozes toothpaste at the tip of the toothbrush, hurriedly I erected a wall shaped grave for all one of my  Emily N'gongo Avocado Von Tuesday de Bruyn's recently decayed teeth. Mourning for her was unnecessary, as she didn't decay along with her teeth.

But then, suddenly, more teeth were flung at her nose. Snot was dripping, mesmerizingly onto her lungs, now revealed via methods unknown to medically trained professionals. It splashed blood all over the carpet, as my wife's Moroccan bedpost snapped onto her rib-cage. Necrophilia was no longer impossible as her heart had jumped into the sink. LITERALLY. Mourning her was a wasteful use, because costa coffee opened 33 seconds previously. So I traversed the depths of my now blood ridden ceiling, onwards to my wardrobe. After a century in Narnia I got dressed, only to discover that my wardrobe was encased inside a clear substance mostly commonly recognised as glass. My first thought was 'had my wife cleaned the ceiling' before remembering that she was dead. I also remembered that dead people tended to have trouble reaching ceilings as their limbic movements are relatively unfunctioning.  Then costa re-entered my cerebral cortex as a thing commoners refer to as thoughts which surprisingly was what they were. My already slightly bruised skull, was used in the surprisingly easy task of shattering my dreams, and then the glass surrounding and trapping me. Following this I discovered that all 1 of the costa coffees in the great barrier reef had closed so I had to wade 33 thousand miles to the next costa.

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