You should all run before 2016 gets you

[New Year's Competition] Herein is described my New Year's resolution in unnecessarily formal language and a long, rambling style. Welcome to the new year. It's gonna be a blast.


1. In which I attempt to explain things and probably end up making them worse, AKA: A day in my life.

    “It’s a new year, new me.” These things all start the same way. It may be a new year, but it certainly isn’t a new me. No, in fact, it’s hardly an improvement on the old me. Nothing changed in that one-second click from 2015 to 2016, save a giant ball dropped in New York City that some poor, tired workers are going to have to reset. Oh, and the dates changed on all the computers, cell phones, and digital devices across the world and the calendars bearing “2015” are now obsolete and, well- 

    Okay, some things have changed. One thing that hasn’t, however, is me. This isn’t a new me. This is me trying to take the old me and make it into something slightly more palatable for 2017!me to look back on and - if all goes as planned - remark while drinking some fancy tea, “Hmm, you know, 2016!me made some half decent life choices.”

    This brings me to the aforementioned life choices. Well, let’s just start with life choices in general: they suck. Like they really, royally suck. Everyone’s all, like, excited about them and eager to hear where you want to go to college, or what you want to study, or when you’re going to get off your butt and get a job, and what will that job be, and suddenly it’s what you’re going to name your third daughter after your two top choice names have been taken by the first two?? Needless to say, people - specifically me, because it is me we’re talking about here - rarely have an answer. 

    Actually, that’s a lie. I usually- generally- ok, fine, occasionally have an answer, but, on the odd instances where that is the case, I don’t have just one. Oh, no, I have to go and make the already hard life choices even harder by giving myself multiple options, all equally appealing with their own sets of equal advantages and drawbacks and then set myself with the task of choosing just one of them, rejecting the rest, and being happy with the decision for more than five minutes. This is an impossible task, as I often tell myself, but the funny thing about my conversations with myself is that I, myself, never listen. 

    And so that brings us back to the most recent life decision with which I find myself faced not for the first time, oh no, but again, because I, being a considerable pain in my own backside, have decided to subject myself to it again. You see, last year around this general time - a little later, actually - I made a choice. It was, arguably, a life changing decision, which led me to where I am now: dissatisfied with my life. Judging by the outcome of said choice and it’s implications, you might venture to guess that I made a poor choice. You would probably be correct. However, it could also be argued that without having made that poor choice, I might be in a position even worse or even less satisfying than that which I am in now, in which case, I made a good choice, just not the best choice I can make. 

    I’m sure this is all about as clear as mud, but rest assured that it makes sense in my head. Therefore, regardless of whether or not my choice last year on where to go to college and what to study might be considered bad, necessary-in-a-holistic-sort-of-way, or, in fact, good, it doesn’t change the position I am in now: one of dissatisfaction. As such, I have decided that a change is in order. This change could either keep my life more or less where it is now, albeit with a slight but not entirely optimum improvement but with the retention of some good things which I enjoy now, or it can send me down an entirely different path, starting fresh without the good things I have currently, and into a sea of the unknown - which looks appealing at the moment, but who knows five minutes from now - where good or bad things might come. 

    Now, at this point, you’re surely wondering where in my ramblings I might finally come around to the point of this monologue, which is my New Year’s resolution. As I have mentioned previously, New Year’s to me isn’t about a major reformation or starting with a fresh slate. In truth, the soiled slate is far more important than a clean one could ever be. Regardless, no matter my particular perception of New Year’s resolutions and the terminology that surrounds them, I am no closer than before to solving the problem of my imminent dilemma. 

    So, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for and probably begging me to get to already, my New Year’s resolution is this: learn how to make good life choices for myself. 

    Actually, scratch that. Good is too high a bar. Let's shoot for half-decent. The “for myself” part might seem self explanatory - I mean, given my track record, who would ever allow me to make their life choices for them? - but what I mean by this is that, as cold as it might seem, I need to stop considering other people and their feelings as factors in decisions that determine my future. After all, this is, first and foremost, my decision, no matter how much I would like to pass it off to someone far more qualified to choose my vocational path than I. 

    As for the rest, the “learn how to make good life choices” bit, I assume that is what I have to work on. I can’t explain it here, for I (obviously) haven’t learned it yet. I’d imagine that this learning will require a lot of forest meditation and soul searching until I know myself in and out and reach that point at which I realize for the hundredth time that I have no soul. After discerning that, I assume that I might take a long walk somewhere with moss growing under my feet and perhaps develop some sort of respiratory infection from the spores. I don’t know. Whatever it happens to entail, I figure that there is no way I can make worse decisions than I have already - I see you sneering at me, fate, and I will not have you jinx me - knock on wood, so I might as well give it a shot, yes? 


    Thank you for agreeing with me. I never do. 

    Good day, all. Thanks for reading my ramblings from 16 minutes til midnight.

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