insignificant

teenage angst has paid off well [a . h .]

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9. wasn't always a good man

"I have struggled with this since I was four years old."

I whispered to the woman, letting the story unfold. 

"I'm not great with loud sounds..I get taken back." 

And she said to just remember to take a deep breath and relax. 



I shook my head, laughing. That's not how it works. 

Nothing will help me. I've only gotten worse. 

She said, "Kid, you gotta lay it out for me. So I can understand." 

And I sadly smiled and said, "My father wasn't always a good man."



She got rather quiet and whispered, "Please explain." 

I said my father had started getting headaches. 

He went out of town for some business, you know. 

But he ended up not able to just come back home. 



I continued, "You know people tell me he use to be this amazing person." 

But I only have memories of him beating my mother and cursing. 

A single tear down my cheek led the woman to nodding. 

I felt myself starting to break down and start rotting. 



"He passed out, turns out he had a brain tumor.", I stared at my shoes. 

A single phone call from his friend gave us the news. 

He was rushed to the hospital and given surgery. 

And when we got to see him, he didn't even know me. 



My father looked at me with dark circles under his eyes and his hair mostly gone.

I immediately began to cry, and hid behind my mom.

I didn't know that man anymore, I felt it in my bones. 

And I guess that's when his love was postponed. 



He had to relearn everything he once knew. 

I was four, yet I was the smartest of us two.

You can eat, dad. You will be okay. 

Today's just a bad day.



"What gave you the trauma?", she tilted her head. 

My dad thought my mom was his ex wife. And he wanted her dead.

My sister was older than me, she would hide me in the bathroom. 

Sis would say, "Cover your ears." Sooner or later I knew what to do.



For some background story, let me reveal. 

Of why his hatred showed and he wanted to kill. 

Back in the year he thought it was.. 

Times for him were more than rough. 



His wife, at the time, was pregnant by another man. 

She had cheated on him and he felt he needed to take a..stand. 

Once when the screaming stopped, I walked out of the room.

Silly me. Quiet doesn't mean safe, never assume. 



He had her body pressed against the sink with his hands around her throat.

And I was too scared to even say, "No!" 

Now sometimes I feel I'm so weak and cowardly and I can barely live with myself. 

"But I swear I'm fine, I don't need your help."

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