This Year

This is my entry for the New Year competition which is written about my own experiences. Please like, favourite or comment if you think its okay :P and feel free to give me any advice or constructive criticism

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1. This Year

It's amazing how much strength it gives you when your soul mate holds your hand. The way that all of a sudden the strength flows back into your legs as your fingers intertwine. Scientifically it shouldn't make sense but romantically it’s a miracle that everyone should experience at least once. He’s standing there next to me and all I can think about it how incredibly lucky I am to be stepping into a new year, 2016, knowing that at the moment, everything is okay. I know at one point it wasn’t. I didn’t think I’d make it to 2016, I didn’t think I deserved to, and the nights were always long and the days always difficult. I don’t want to talk about that too much because there is no point in dwelling on something painful. But you know what, 2 weeks ago I was doing the washing up next to him and all of a sudden he grabbed my arm and a smile spread across his face.

“Your wrist. Look at your wrist.” I looked down and sure enough there were my veins and my skin but that was about it.

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t you see it?”

“I don’t see anything!” He paused and looked at me smiling. Then it hit me like a tidal wave of euphoria. I couldn’t see anything. No deep red marks or itching scabs. Not even the silver lines of the past etched across them. There was nothing there. They’d gone. They’d really really gone. Now maybe not everyone will understand that feeling and for some of you it’s yet to come but that feeling when those scars leave you is like being let out of a straightjacket. It’s as if the chains that have been shackling you to the ground suddenly spring off you. I have made it. The fact that only a year earlier I had been actively suicidal and chronically depressed seemed like a distant memory that I now had the strength to destroy. And I know it sounds cheesy or perhaps exaggerated but I know why. It’s all down to one person. He made me happy in a time when I thought happiness was something I didn’t deserve. He made me laugh through streams of tears. He made me feel beautiful when I was disgusted to look at my own reflection. He made me become myself again.

So as I’m standing here with hand in mine and we watch all the fireworks displays in the distance I know that it’s going to be okay. Sure, some days will be tough and maybe the monster that is depression might try to claw me back but I won’t let it. There will be times when I am angry, jealous, sad or exhausted. But I vow to never be bored. I will make this life the best I could ever make it because he has helped me realise that I deserve that, as everyone does. I hope to work for every dream and every hope that I ever have and to never tell myself I can’t do something because that is exactly how it started. I’m going to University this year to study Clinical Psychology and he’s off to another one to study Maths. That scares me but with every Skype call, every text or weekend that we see each other I will be reassured. Someday I will have my own purpose which is to help those who are in the exact position I was in. I will tell them not to give up and not to feel as if they don’t deserve anything because every life is a miracle. I might even tell them about that day I was doing the washing up.

When I have children I will not complain on how I look or how my hair is going grey so to teach them that they are not perfect the way they are. I will tell them to be confident but humble and determined but kind. And I will tell them exactly how me and their Dad met properly at prom and the fact my phone lost all my numbers so I spent days tracking it down from his friends. I will tell them how on our first date we were in the cinema and I thought we were just friends but all of a sudden he grabbed my hand during the adverts. I will also tell them about how people thought we were too young at 16 to presume we had found the one. But you should never skip out on anything that makes you happy. Everyone needs happiness in their lives and they should have it.

So whatever makes you happy, whether that be a person or a sport or I don’t know collecting stamps, make sure you hold onto it tight and don’t let it go. If someone tells you that it is ‘weird’ then work even harder because what’s wrong with being weird? If we all like collecting the same thing there wouldn’t be enough to collect or if we all did the same sport how would we have a chance to feel like an individual? It should be know that if anything starts to drain you or hurt you then throw it away immediately because that is not what life is about. It’s precious and there’s not time for the poisonous parts.

And if you get any message from this long ramble of mine it should be this: Live your life to be happy.

Here we are then, at the end of my resolution. I’m here with him and I know exactly what my resolution is. Yes I want to get fit so I can do bike rides with his family without needing to stop every 5 minutes. And it would be really nice to get the AAA I need in my A levels. Oh and I should stop biting my nails and go get them manicured with my mum. But I know that right now my life is exactly as I want to be and I should continue to keep it up. So without meaning to seem cliché my new year’s resolution for 2016 is quite simply.

Live.

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