I Do Not Fear Death

This is not a work of fiction.
The truth is,
I haven't been doing so well lately.
And I don't know how to shut these thoughts out anymore.

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1. ~

I do not fear Death.

I've come to accept that it is just one of the things in life that is beyond our control.

Whether it be from old age, a fatal accident, a disease spreading too quickly for any number of doctors to do anything about, a tumor growing that has been deemed inoperable, there's just no stopping it.

Death has its own agenda.

It doesn't care that you're still in high school, it doesn't care that you have your own life--your own family--Death doesn't discriminate. 

I used to question those who decided that they weren't going to wait for Death to take them into his embrace. 

The people who wanted an out on their own terms are the ones I could never really understand.

That is until I realized how easy it could be. To have Death answer to you instead of the other way around.

When I find it hard to sleep at night, I sometimes think of how easy it would be to take that leap; like jumping off the diving board at the pool. You just close your eyes, count to 3, hold your breath and. . . Jump.

Or even, the simplicity of taking sleeping pills.

Take a deep breath, open the bottle, take out a pill, and swallow it.

Then another pill.

And then another.

And when the whole container is empty, you slowly make your way to your room, curl up underneath your comfy blankets, close you eyes for the last time, and sleep.

Blissful, painless, serenity.

Gone from the horrors of the world--all the pain it has caused you.

I understand now why some people feel the need to arrange their own meeting with Death, instead of just waiting for him to come around. 

It is because they've given up.

Because they are tired of having to fake a smile, a laugh, an emotion to please those who made them want to meet Death in the first place.

They're tired of acting strong when all they know is that they're broken.

They're exhausted from living.

I do not fear Death, for his call sounds peaceful. Warm. Embracing.

I've come to accept the fact that Death is unavoidable.

But so far throughout my 15 years there have been many times where I have wanted to arrange the meeting on my own.

I wish people would know that I am so close to giving in--to meeting Death in my own way.

Because I am far too weak to save myself.

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