A Luke fanfiction - Maybe this Christmas

Molly just wants Christmas to end. She lost her beloved boyfriend Luke in a car accident the day before Christmas a year ago but no one understands her pain and hate for Christmas; because you just can't hate Christmas, right? But maybe her small niece's love for Christmas and letters to Santa Claus can help Molly to make her biggest wish come true this year?
(This is an old story i have rewritten in english and as an fan fiction)


3. All i want for Christmas is you

I was not ashamed of being sad but it was kind of awkward to go to work the next few days. People didn’t know why I acted like I did but I’m pretty sure that they didn’t care anyway. They didn’t know Luke and didn’t know how much he meant to me. It felt like I lost a piece of myself. Even after so long. I finally answered my mom’s email. She invited me to come visit her and dad the next weekend now that I could not be there on the work day. It’s not like I didn’t have time but I told her so because I didn’t like the sound of the topic on that email; Christmas dinner. I could not escape that in the weekends because my mom knew that I didn’t have a social life.

It made a big hole in my wallet to take the train to my parent’s. My mom wanted a house with a garden and I could not afford a flat anywhere near this place, so it was a long and expensive train ride. My mom was looking out under the curtain in the kitchen window when I walk up to their house. She waved at me and she revealed the sleeve of a green sweater. It made me think of old Betty from work and I hoped that my mom’s Christmas sweater was less… noticeable. The first thing I saw when she open the door was the smiling Santa Claus on her stomach. She reached for me and gave me a big hug. The whole house smelled like gingerbread and the smell of her sweater revealed that she made them pretty recently.  I tried my best to smile at my mom while she waited for me to take off my coat.

“Your sister will be here in a minute. They are a bit late because Amanda was a little grumpy this morning.” She explained. I just nodded and walked with her to the kitchen where she was in the middle of making hot chocolate from scratch on the stove.
“I bought a lot of carton and creative stuff so we can make some homemade Christmas decoration. Your dad didn’t pack the decoration right last year so all the things we made the last few years is crushed or damaged.”  We walked into the living room and the dining table was full of colour paper, glitter and scissors. My dad was sitting in his chair with the newspaper and his reading glasses on the tip of his nose. He was wearing a Christmas sweater like mom, but it looked forced because he was wearing a button up underneath. The collar was weirdly picking up around his neck. When he saw me he quickly stood up and gave me a one arm hug.
“Your mom is Christmas crazy.” He said as if he tried to explain why my mom was almost dancing around the house and wearing ugly clothes.
“Everyone is Christmas crazy.”

After a while it knocked on the door but my Sister Hannah didn’t wait for mom or dad to open the door. She just walked in while commanding poor little Amanda to do this and that. Teaching her to take off her coat by herself I guess. Mom came in with hot chocolate for all of us and before Hannah sat down in front of me she gave me a nasty look.
“We are making some homemade decoration for our tree. Can you make some pretty Christmas hearts Amanda?” Mom asked and Amanda nodded eagerly.  But instead of making ‘pretty Christmas hearts’ she took the biggest black marker and started to make ugly doodles  all over the green carton.

“Amanda you are ruining the paper. We can’t use it for decoration if you draw on it like that.” I tried to explain to her but Hannah gave me a strict look. Amanda needed to learn that she could not just do whatever she wanted all the time. She just looked at me and carried on with her aggressive drawing the moment after. I sighed and took the marker from Amanda and she immediately look at my sister to get a reaction.
“Let her draw on the carton if that is what she wants.” Hannah said and took the marker from me and handed it back to Amanda.
“But she is ruining the carton. We can’t use it then.” Amanda ignored our argument and kept on drawing with big arm movements.
“Just because you are in a shitty mood doesn’t mean that you have to ruin Christmas for everybody else, Molly! Christmas is for the children and let her draw on that fucking carton if that makes her happy!” My sister was so angry with me that she slammed the scissors down on the table and left a mark in the wood. Both mom and dad gave us a warning glare but I didn’t want to continue the argument with my sister. I stood up and left the living room.

Why was it so hard for her to understand why I was in a shitty mood and a lot of thing could trigger me. I didn’t mean to be mad at Amanda but couldn’t Hannah see that it wasn’t right what her daughter was doing? Maybe show her how to actually use the carton?
And the thing about Christmas was for the children. I though Christmas was about love. I was always told that Christmas was about showing the people you love how grateful you are to have them in your life. But how was I supposed to enjoy the holyday if the one I loved the most was gone? Nothing hurts more than seeing all the happy people around you showing their love for each other when you feel so alone yourself.

I sat down in the kitchen and looked around me. There was a picture of all of us on the wall next to the table. It was from the summer after Hannah broke her leg on the ice rink. I was wearing a nice flower dress I remember I loved and we were all smiling and hugging. Luke had only seed very few picture of me from when I was little and I know he would have laughed at all the photo albums that would have magically appeared from my mom’s cabinet. I would not have minded it at all actually because Luke’s mom did the same thing first time I met her. I guess it’s a parent thing.
I haven’t really talked with Luke’s parents since I moved back to New York. I had emailed them a few times to hear how it was going with them and Luke’s siblings but I hadn’t called them or visited them.

I was so close to crying just thinking of them but suddenly Amanda was standing beside me. I rubbed my eyes and tried not to make the tears fall.
“Are you sad?” She asked with her little cute voice.
“No don’t worry.” I said as she crawled up on my lap.
“Grandma said you could help me write a letter to Santa Claus.” She looked at me with happy eyes so I could not resist her.
“Then get some paper, will you?” She brightened up and hurried down from my lap to get the materials to make the perfect letter for Santa Claus. She came back with a little box of art supplies and some different coloured paper.  She emptied the box on the kitchen table and started to give me ideas for her card. She really liked the idea of elves.
“What colour paper do you want to use?”
“Green like the Christmas tree! You should make a letter too aunt Molly.“ She said and I folded a green piece of paper and handed it to her.
“Should I make one too?”
“Santa can’t make you wish come true if you don’t tell if what you wish for.” She stated.
“Then give me that pink paper.” She looked at me, wrinkling her nose.
“That’s not a Christmas colour.” She said and handed me the red paper. She was really stubborn. I took it and folded it so it was a card and started to draw a tree on it. Amanda was going crazy with the glitter all over her card, so it was hard to tell it was green to begin with.

“Can you help me write my wishes?” She asked. I was not done with my attempt of a tree but I took her glittery card and opened it.
“What should I write?” I asked and she thought about it for a minute before she mentioned a million things she had seen in the toy magazine. She didn’t know the names for half of the things but she described them and I wrote it like she said it. She looked satisfied at the card before putting it in an envelope.

“What are you writing in yours?” She asked as she looked at me finishing my card. I had let her put some glitter on my card as well because she thought it was too boring. I tried to go with it.
“I don’t think I will be sending mine, Amanda.  Santa too busy making children’s wishes come true. He does not have time for mine.” I explained to her and started to clean up the mess we had made and put the art supplies back in the box again.
“Grandma says that Santa makes everyone’s wishes come true.” She took a marker out of the box again and handed it to me.
“I don’t know what to write.” I admitted but Amanda was not happy with my answer.
“Everyone wishes something. Grandma wished a kiss on the cheek.” She said and put her arms around my neck and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
“And now I already got it! Then I don’t have to write it.” I tried but she kept insisting. I hadn’t giving a though about what I wanted for Christmas because all I wanted was to avoid Christmas. Luke was supposed to be here. He should be my reason to sing Christmas songs and bake cookies. We never got to have kiss under the mistletoe. I looked at my sweet niece and sighed before I wrote down the only wish I had.

I wish I could be with him this Christmas.

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