The word I couldn't say

He made so many mistakes but every time I looked into those big brown eyes I forgave him all over again.

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46. Wondering

Waking up in the middle of the night crying. 
Wondering what you should do to end the pain.

Therapy?

You can’t afford that.

Friends?

Who wants to sound depressed all the time? 
You feel like you’ve shut down.

Why do we have to feel these things? 
You think maybe if you can get your abuser,

your ex,

whoever the person is to understand just how much pain they’ve caused you,

they’ll stop it. 
You don’t say anything, 

though.

You don’t have the strength to deal with their denial,

guilt tripping,

shaming,

gaslighting and blaming.

You know that they don’t care about your well-being;

there’s no way they could while being so callous towards your suffering.

You just cry and grip your chest,

waiting for the pain to subside for a moment before it begins again.

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