The word I couldn't say

He made so many mistakes but every time I looked into those big brown eyes I forgave him all over again.


69. I would have done anything for you;

I would have done anything for you; and I don’t mean that I would take a bullet for you, even though I would make my body a shield to ensure your safety. No, no. I mean I would have done anything for you. I would have put band-aids and stitches on all of the cuts and scrapes that other people have left on your body. I would have put my favorite jacket on the ground, would have picked up all of the rocks on the street, just to make sure that your steps were safe. I would have given up my house, all of the lights and electricity because you were my home and my source of energy. I would have given up my life, whether that meant being your Kevlar vest or being the person who held your hand as we ran away together, I would have been there. I would have kissed you in the pouring rain, would have danced until we got a cold and were stuck in bed for a week, would have put a blanket on the hood of my car and watched the stars on a dangerous cliff that screamed cheesy. I would have given you a ring, and to shit with diamonds. I would have given you a ring that cost a quarter, and I would have known that you loved it. I would have watched you at our wedding, would have cried, would have felt my heart expand to the size of Jupiter because I finally would have understood how it felt to have something so delicate, so imperfect, so wondrous, be a piece of me. I would have written you letters every single day about why I loved you because every day I discovered something new. I would have spit my love for you in the face of anyone who dared not to believe it. I would have chased a train, would have gone across the world, would have written you a billion songs so that every moment of every day you would know how I cared. 

I would have done it all. I promise, I would have. You just never gave me a chance. My “I love you”, my “I would do anything for you”, my “please, don’t do this,” was not enough. You still turned around that day. You still had my Kevlar around your heart and my anything somewhere between the Atlantic Ocean and Atlantis. So, because of you, I learned not to do anything for the next person that would walk into my life. Because of you, I had taken a bullet. I just never imagined that the bullet’s entrance would come from behind, that the person with the bulletproof vest would brutally murder the person who had given it to them. No, no. That’s not what love is supposed to be, is it? Because of you, I learned that love was not about how much you were willing to do for them. Love was just brutal. Love was just agony. Love was stepping into the arms of someone else, and knowing that by the end, one of you will have held the gun while the other fell to the ground. It is inevitable. You would do anything for them. Even if that anything is to let them end your ability to love. Because of you, I lost my opportunity to give my anything to a person who deserved anything.

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