Anakin vs. Obi-Wan Parody

A hilarious dialogue about how the duel could have been. It leaves off when Darth Vader is talking to Palpatine; meanwhile, Obi-Wan sneaks aboard Padme's ship, hoping she will lead him to Anakin. There, Padme discovers the grim truth about the man she loves, while Obi-Wan finds the hate-filled monster he must try to destroy. As always, comments are appreciated!

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1. Duel On Mustafar

Padme finally arrived on Mustafar. She climbed out to find Anakin. Dagnabbit! Have totally blown my element of surprise. She hugged him and began to stutter.

“What? Speak up, girl!” Anakin replied.

“Anakin...you turned to the dark side...you killed Younglings...and Jedi...and Separatist leaders...but I love you anyway! So come back to the light side! I love you.”

“Liar!” Anakin screamed. Obi-Wan was ahead. “You’re with him! You’ve betrayed me!”

“Anakin,” said Padme. “Please stop. You’re breaking my heart.”

“Don’t be silly, Padme,” said Anakin, and extended his hand. “It’s pronounced, ‘neck.’”

“Anakin...” Padme gasped. “I...can’t...urk!...breathe...”

“I don’t give a crap!” Anakin screamed, and pressed the Force choke. Obi-Wan stepped out. “Let it go! Let it go!”

Anakin released the chokehold, and Padmè fell to the floor. “She’s an object to you? You turned her against me!”

“You brought it on yourself, my dear,” he said. “You’ve allowed the Chancellor to twist your point of view. How did you not suspect his evil?”

“Until a day ago, neither did you,” Anakin reminded him.

“Blast!” Good point. I hate it when that happens.

“Whatever,” said Anakin. “I am bringing peace, freedom, and everything else beautiful to my new Empire!”

“But my allegiance is to the Republic,” Obi-Wan replied. “To democracy!”

“If you’re not with me, you’re against me!”

“Only a Sith deals in absolutes,” Obi-Wan said, and ignited his lightsaber. “If you will not turn, then you will meet your destiny!”

“That’s my line, copycat,” said Anakin, and ignited his blade. The facility echoed with the sound of combat. As both opponents entered the antechamber, they slammed their blades into a console...and then Anakin bowled Obi-Wan over and strangled him.

Suddenly, Princess Leia walked in. “Hello. Oh! Are you doing limbo, Kenobi? Can I go next?”

“It’s not as fun as...it looks!” Obi-Wan said between harsh gasps.

“Oh,” said Leia. “I love you.”

Anakin screamed. “Ahhg! Get away from me, you creepy stalker!” He tore after Leia, who ran onto the bridge whence they had come. Obi-Wan watched as Anakin stopped at the doorway. Then he turned. “And now, back to business!” He continued to strangle Obi-Wan.

Screw it, Obi-Wan thought, and kicked Anakin off him. “Give me arms or give me death!”

“Um, it’s pronounced, ‘Liberty,’” said Anakin.

“Whatever. Gimme back my weapon!”

“Gimme?” Anakin repeated. “Never!”

He kicked Obi-Wan again. Obi-Wan returned the favor and summoned his lightsaber. He brought it down, only to intercept Anakin’s deadly weapon. After that, the clash continued. Finally, their blades twirled...and someone called, “Hey!”

“Merlin’s beard!” Obi-Wan exclaimed. “If it isn’t the teen pop star that sings like a girl.”

“Hello, Justin,” said Anakin.

“Hello,” said Justin. “Baby, baby, baby, ohh...”

“Shut up!” Obi-Wan screamed.

“What? I think it’s kinda cute,” said Anakin.

The dark side has made him delusional, Obi-Wan thought. He Force-pushed Justin through the door, who slammed into the railing. Then Obi-Wan used the Force to lift one of Justin’s hairs and call it to him. Then he held it high. “Yay! I’m rich! Rich! Looks like 40 thousand dollars are coming my way!” Then he Force-pushed Justin into the lava. Sploosh! “And thus ends the infamous career of Justin Bieber.”

“You did it!” Anakin cheered. “Thanks so much. As we were doing before...”

He locked blades with Obi-Wan, then they both attempted at a Force-push. Finally, both flew across the chamber. Anakin leaped up and slammed his blade, along with Obi-Wan’s, into a control panel that somehow meant everything.

“You said—“

“You said!” Obi-Wan interrupted. Both battled their way out the room. Outside, Gizmo Frog was waiting for them.

“Who’s that?” Obi-Wan asked.

“Just another derp come to interrupt our battle,” said Anakin.

Obi-Wan Force-pushed the frog away, and began a brief bout of bladework with his enemy...only to be kicked in the face for it. Obi-Wan jumped back onto a metal tightrope. Anakin leaped after him. They struggled for balance...and then Hermione Granger crawled across from the opposite end.

“Hermione! What are you doing here?” Anakin asked.

“Crawling on a balance beam, genius. Because balance is for geeks!”

Anakin put his face in his palm before swinging at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan jumped onto a collection tower. Anakin leaped after him and pushed him after a brief blade lock. Then they locked hands amid an erupting spurt of molten lava. Then they began to clash.

“This is taking way too long,” said Anakin.

“Yeah,” said Obi-Wan. Then Anakin jumped onto a bridge, and Obi-Wan leaped after him. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“To the land of Jedi death,” said Anakin. “I was having so much fun testing your skills, I decided to make a dead end and push your smelly hide in the lava!”

“My hide? Not my insides, too?”

“Shut up,” said Anakin, and attacked again. Suddenly, lava erupted in the facility. Before they knew it, both combatants fell onto a giant screw, which fell into the lava. Both struggled for balance as it floated. Suddenly, Yoda jumped on! “Failed to beat the Emperor, I did. Here to annihilate Vader, I am.”

“But Yoda, you told me to kill him!” Obi-Wan said.

“To avoid you fighting Darth Sidious, that was for. Now roast some hide, I will.”

Obi-Wan replied, “I must be dreaming! There’s no way Sidious didn’t beat you!”

“Up the shut f**k, you must,” Yoda replied.

Obi-Wan Force-pushed him onto a lava bank dozens of meters below. Yoda hit the ground hard. “Punish you for this on Bail’s starship, I will.” Obi-Wan paid the threat no mind. “Bye, Ani!” he said, and hooked to a cable before swinging across. “See you next century!”

“No!” screamed Anakin, and followed. Both landed on lava skiffs.

Anakin cocked his blade. The two clashed on their skiffs. Anakin looked behind him and broke the contact. “Who is it this time?” Obi-Wan asked.

“Nicki Manaj, coming up fast.”

“Drat,” said Obi-Wan.

Manaj was riding a lava skiff as well. “My anaconda don’t--my anaconda don't--my anaconda don't want none unless you’ve got buns, hon!” Both covered their ears. “He was living...shades...” they heard.

Anakin saw his chance and disarmed Obi-Wan. His lightsaber fell into the lava. Using Force-cloak to ignore Manaj, he raised his weapon. “And he shall smite the wicked and plunge them into the fiery pit!”

“Wrong movie!” Obi-Wan screamed.

“Guys!” said Manaj. “I found the lightsaber the Geonosians took from you. Catch!”

Obi-Wan caught it and ignited the blade. Then Anakin leaped behind him, and Manaj steered the plate away from the battle. Anakin balanced awkwardly for a moment, and Obi-Wan attempted to take advantage of his opening. However, Anakin recovered quickly and began another bout of bladework with his master. Suddenly, their blades locked, and Obi-Wan jumped onto a lava bank.

“It’s over, Anakin! I have the high ground.”

“You underestimate my power!” Anakin roared.

“I thought you were going to say, “You underestimate my cocky overconfidence.’ Just saying,” Obi-Wan replied.

“What does ‘cocky’ mean?” Anakin asked.

Obi-Wan dug his face into his palm. And then Anakin lunged forward, only to be amputated by the Jedi. He hit the edge of the bank hard and screamed.

“You were the Chosen One!” Obi-Wan screamed. “You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in da—“

“What have you done?!”

Obi-Wan turned, shocked. Is that a belieber or Hayden Christensen fangirl?

It was Rebecca Black. “Did you or did you not kill Justin Bieber?”

“Yep,” Obi-Wan replied. “And proud of it.”

Rebecca growled and her face turned purple. “You killed my idol and potential soulmate! I’ll kill you!” She lunged at Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan slammed her backward.

A belieber! “Rebecca, all hope is not lost,” said Obi-Wan. “The lava was cooled when Justin fell in. He may have climbed out before it heated up. If you hurry, you could catch him.”

“Thank you,” said Rebecca. “Friday, Friday, getting down on—“

Obi-Wan slapped her in the face. Rebecca staggered back, then turned and left.

“I hate you!” Anakin screamed.

“You were my brother, Anakin,” said Obi-Wan. “I loved you.”

“If you love me, then why did you cut off my limbs?”

“Do you know how past tense works?” Obi-Wan asked. “I don’t love you anymore. Later, gator!”

As Obi-Wan departed, Anakin caught on fire.

“Yes! No one else to bug me,” Obi-Wan said to himself. “I’m free!”

Suddenly, Lord Voldemort apparated in front of Obi-Wan. “You shall be dead.” He fired a killing curse beam at Obi-Wan, whose lightsaber deflected the attack.

“I don’t think so,” said Obi-Wan.

Voldemort conjured up a fiendfyre frenzy to dispose of the Jedi. Obi-Wan dispatched it with his lightsaber. Voldemort pushed the remains into the lava and fired dark energy at Obi-Wan. He used Force-deflect to block the current, but not even that powerful spell could block Voldemort’s room-shattering sound wave.

Voldemort looked around. “Why can I hear shattering? The only thing I see around is this roasted marshmallow down there.”

“HEY!” Anakin screamed.

Obi-Wan hucked his lightsaber at the Dark Lord, then Force-threw his corpse into the lava whilst catching his lightsaber.

Afterwards, Obi-Wan made for Padme’s shuttle.

“Master Kenobi, we do have Miss Padme on board,” said Threepio. “Do hurry. We should leave this dreadful place.”

“Dreadful? It saw the death of a feared Sith Lord!” Obi-Wan walked over to find Padme on a bed.

“Obi-Wan...” she moaned. “Is Anakin all right?”

“Of course not, you idiot! He’s burning to a pulp!”

Padme began to wail. “That’s it! It’s time to embrace the lava!” She rushed out, but Obi-Wan caught her on her way out. “Where do you think you’re going?”

"To take the lava out on a date!"

"Threepio, hit it!" Obi-Wan shouted. Before Padme could make another attempt, the ship lifted off and streaked into space.

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