Blue Neighbourhood

This is my take on the poignant, yet powerful music video trilogy by Troye Sivan.

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"only fools fall for you, only fools. . ."

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6. 1.6

 

Jason

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 "If you love something set it free. If it comes back it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be."  

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   At one point in our lives, Troye and Jason ceased to exist. 

   And I am not sure whose father is to blame. 

   At first, Dad was stubborn.  The rest of July was spent at my house or on the beach without a friend to kill time with, all because Dad hadn't a sliver of decency to phone Michael and take responsibility for his irrational behavior. The only time he actually called Michael was to inform him that he'd gained enough momentum to start repairing boats on his own and he wouldn't be doing business with him anymore. The conversation concluded with an 'Okay. Y-you know what? I'm done. Go fuck yourself.' 

   I was enraged. Partly for the fact that my father--whom I was convinced was finally on the road of recovery--relapsed. Partly for the possibility of not being able to see Troye for the remainder of the summer. I couldn't afford to lose the boy I cared for with absolutely everything. I became scared shitless, and I was desperate to do anything in my power if it meant I'd have my best friend back. Knowing my dad, however, I didn't bother voicing my opinion because he'd let everything I say travel through one ear and exit the other. I felt helpless, unable to stand my ground because no one wanted to hear what I had to say. Maybe this was the end of Troye and Jason. 

   My prayers were answered when one day I overheard a phone conversation that my father was having with who I knew was Michael because he spoke about his actions at the beach and how he was incredibly sorry for them. I couldn't help but smile. Michael would forgive him and I would be able to hang out with Troye again and everyone would live happily ever after--

   "Wait? Are you actually moving? You're shitting me, Mike. Why?" My father combed through his short, blonde hair. "You were planning on telling me this when?"

   A pang of betrayal stabbed me. Troye and Michael are moving? I am dreaming. I am most definitely dreaming. This isn't happening this is a nightmare this is a nightmare I am not losing Troye again he is not moving he is not moving he is staying right here with me and we are going to be best friends forever that was the plan. 

   I didn't want to hear any more of this, but I kept listening. I latched onto the railing of the stairs and tried to steady my breathing with no avail. This had to be some sort of nightmare and I expected to wake up and find out that they aren't actually moving and I could finally sigh in relief. But the surrealism was just too petrifying. 

   The next thing I remembered was the blurring of my vision until all I could see was haze. I dashed to my bedroom, the harsh slam of the door reverberating around me. My knees hooked together and the rest of my lower body collapsed underneath me. The taunting silence in the room was broken by a deafening sob and I fell on the carpet. I wailed until my father came bursting through my door asking what the hell was wrong with me. The phone wasn't in his hand anymore. I confessed to him through chopped fragments that I heard everything he said, including the part where he interrogated Michael about moving. Then I burst into another fit of choked sobs before he threatened me to stop crying. I complied. 

   Around six thirty that evening, Troye called me in tears, breathing life into my greatest fear. He explained that he and Michael were moving to Georgia to take care of his aunt who was diagnosed with heart disease. Her fiance called their wedding off and abandoned her to be on her own and she knew of no one who had the time and/or commitment to look after her. His little sister was in no condition to live alone according to Michael so he planned to move in with her and be there to help should she have a heart attack or stroke. I told Troye that I understood the problem and that I would be okay when in reality we both knew it was the biggest lie I could have told anyone ever. Troye meant the world to me and deep down I couldn't deny that I loved him as much I loved Mum. If I couldn't have him, I wanted no one. 

   What have I done to deserve to have the rug pulled from under me? It wasn't supposed to end this way--I didn't want it to end this way. Not after everything we had gone through. Not after the laughs we've shared, the secrets we've entrusted each other with, the unbreakable bond we've created. Every time I decide to get close to someone, I get slapped in the face by reality and that person ends up getting snatched away from me. I wasn't ready for this friendship to end. I wasn't ready I wasn't ready I was not ready.

   Troye told me he had to help Michael with a few things so he had to go. Once we hung up, my blood boiled with the overwhelming desire to break any and everything in sight. I was lucky to not have any vases within reach. 

   In the middle of August, the day came where Troye and Michael's belongings were boxed up and loaded into two U-Hauls. Boats that hadn't been repaired were given to Dad so there wouldn't be so much to take along the way. The pair was ready to head for Georgia. Physically. No one was emotionally prepared (Troye and I especially) for their departure. That day carried so many tears I had lost count. Troye threw himself into my arms, wailing and blubbering as hard as I was. 

   We detached ourselves from each other and I stared into those glossy emerald eyes for the last time, clouded with a sadness that shattered every part of me into a trillion shards. "I am gonna miss you so much." His voice faltered, the voice I've come to adore. 

   I pressed my thumbs to his warm face, wiping his stained cheeks. I hated when my best friend cried. It broke me. 

   "I am going to miss you too, Troye. You've been such an inspiration in my life and I want you to know that." I told him and meant it. 

    "Thanks, Jace. I will always remember you." A single tear rolled down his cheek. 

   Something told me to tell him I loved him. I was hesitant at first and the words were trapped inside, refusing to leave my lips until I reminded myself for the hundredth time that Troye was leaving. Leaving and possibly never coming back.  At that moment, I garnered enough guts to propel the words from the back of my throat. 

   Troye's eyes widened, a bit taken aback at my confession. Then I saw almost a glimmer of optimism. The edges of his lips curled into a small smile before telling me the words that rocked my world. 

   "I love you too, Jace." He pulled me into another hug. "I won't forget you." He patted my back a few times. I wondered if he could feel my heart threatening to break free from the jail built around it. I wondered if he knew that there was more to 'I love you, Troye' than what he heard. I wondered if he knew I--

   I started to perk up only to become depressed again. I was setting myself up for disappointment, falling deeper for someone who would inevitably walk out of my life. 

   Michael called Troye over because it was time for them to go. He let go of me and started striding toward his father.  I felt as if an anchor was chained around my heart and the gap between us increased, Troye was tossing the anchor into the tumultuous waves, yanking me into the depths of the ocean with it. 

    I met up with my father and the four of us said our final goodbyes and 'I'll miss you's'. I watched as Michael and Troye climbed into the truck. My best friend and I exchanged looks of sorrow when we heard the engine start up. I waved to him as the truck began to drive away, leaving me struggling against the unforgiving current and Troye safely onshore. 

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