Love is Love

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9. maybe not

I told you that I already knew your answer, but still some small part of me still thought that you would have said yes. Because of this when you told me what I knew, I felt a break a break that I could have stopped if I kept my emotions under control and stopped hoping that you would have said yes.

'If you don't hope, then you don't get hurt when they don't do it'

But yet that's the hardest promise to keep to myself, and because of it I start to have a self-loathing,  it sucks because if I would just follow these rules then I wouldn't do these things to hurt myself. I tell you not to hurt yourself yet I do it al the time. Like: taking too hot showers, because I feel like shit, purposely nicking myself when shaving, pulling myself away from anyone because I don't feel like I deserve it. yet I want the exact opposite for you, I want you to be truly happy with yourself. something I will never quite be. I will never be content with being just me, and I know why but I like to act like I don't so I don't have a reason to stop. so, yeah  I knew your answer from the start but it still hurts to know that I was right.

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