Heart Murmurings


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2. Heart Murmurs

The heart murmurs many things to our minds throughout our lives. From the moment we are conceivable unto ourselves we learn each sensation of what our life is meant to become. For some it is a gentle whisper from our conscious minds through our subconscious, filtered through to the fibres of our being. Chasing away the last moment of becoming we feel electricity that can only be likened to flashes of sporadic energy that changes our most personal feelings. We are not to know what we will feel next, we travel through the moments wondering what we will want to know like lightening we know not where our next sensation will spark. We are one within ourselves, the lights start to flicker from our surroundings, we feel the deepest things in our hearts as we fight to swim to the shore of who holds the key. The beginning of self.

Every second of every moment I'm awake I fight to avoid allowing my facial expression show my feelings, even when I'm alone. It's like there is a monster voice telling me nothing about me is normal. My feelings are revolting, queer & ugly especially shown through my face. I'm uglier than a babadook or demon yet I look at anyone else & see a unique beauty in each & every face I see. Recoiling from myself in any way I can after being taught by my supposed own flesh & blood that nothing I am or was is worthy of being seen. I never have seen an uglier face than that which is my own reflection trying to hide from myself. I smile for the camera because that is my mask to protect others from the ugliness inside of me. I have no face, I am disgustingly unable to be real with even myself because i have nothing of value. I'm a pathetic waste of space, energy & time. Never amounting to anything that anyone would want to associate with I lock myself inside to protect the human race, I am an alien unto myself.

the journey into ourselves we search each passing thought for a new experience, vulnerable we long for something we know not what we need.

 

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