Dear diary <3

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  • Published: 19 Dec 2015
  • Updated: 13 Mar 2016
  • Status: Complete
Dear diary - school bullying, rich parents, keeping to herself.
Will there be a happy ending?

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7. Day 6 - DEMONS

DEAR DIARY

OMG! OMG! OMG!

They're after me. They're coming for me. When I'm sleeping, when I'm awake and even when I'm inbetween. I'm never free and I'm going completly crazy. When I started writing to you a month ago, my sweet and only friend, I never thought they would come back and especially not now, when everything else is alaready a mess. I don't need this adding to the mix. All the voices running around in my head, telling me what to do.

DEMONS! I see demons everywhere and it's not just the idiots at school. I see them in my parents, the teachers and the social worker who keeps coming back. The terrible woman still wants to work with me, trying to get to know me and what to do with me. Standing on the same side as my parents and the principal, who all think that I'm a complet idiot, since my grades will never get any better than a C. It's a complet disaster and they want to send me away, so they won't have to deal with me. Then why didn't they send me away years ago, since I've always been a social outcast and never been good in school. But what does it matter anyway? Even when the voices are back. Brings all the memories back to the first year of high school, when it all began. 

I feel like screaming. Screaming over and over and over again. I just want it to stop. I want it all to be quiet. Even get my parents to shut the fuck up. All I have to do is finding the perfect knife and the perfect spot on my body to use it. You know what I mean? Maybe even end it all. The pain, the suffering, the voices, everything. What's the point of staying, if there's nothing for me here anyway?

Demons! Demons everywhere, haunting me every second of my day. They ruin my life and tearing me up from the inside. My parents can not know about this, I have to keep it controlled. At least when everyone else is watching me, which is constantly. But how? The voices just won't shut up. I feel like screaming all the time. At home, at school, in the cafeteria, everywhere. No wonder I have no friends. I'm a wierdo, who has voices inside, who tells me what to do and when to do it. Kill her, scream at him, punch him, stab the teacher, lock up your parents.Then there's the self hating shit: you're worthless, you're stupid, why do you still breath? Go kill yourself, jump out in front of a train or maybe a bus, jump off a cliff, stab yourself, cut yourself, don't eat, throw up, be bullimic, be anorexic, worthless piece of shit, you're so not worth it. You're a freeloating waste of space. 

You get what I mean? Everything is a mess and I hate myself. My life is going no where and my body is even worse. I used to be blond, but dyed my hair black, since it's more me. But who am I exactly? I'm no one. I'm a zero, a weirdo with no friends. Emo looking little piece of shit, that's what I am. I have so much self hate that half of it could be enough. Oh, what would I do if my parents found you and knew what I was thinking and even say about them? But who cares? It's not even like they care about me. All they would do is sending me to another one of their shrinks, who would try to fix me. But nothing can fix me, since I'm way to broken to be fixed. I'm so not fixable. That's all I had for today.

XOXO - Zoey

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