They call me dillusional

Anorexia personality disorder voices cutting burning depression hospital suicide Justin bieber

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1. The real me I wish would stay

   The names they call me. Gay, anorexic, dillusional. How can someone possibly be so mean? I wish the real me would stay. I hear that voice again, it's Chris, pestering me to cut."Dude you are every name they call you. They think your sick, ugly, fat. Take that razor and draw happiness into your life." it never works. I never feel happy afterwards, but I do it. I slide the thin, silver blade across my arm watching little blood bubble forms on my skin. I feel nothing. Not happiness, not sadness. I'm numb. I hate it. I rather be dead than feel nothing. I don't feel like doing anything. My grades are slipping. I lost twenty pounds from David's help, but I want to lose more. I want to fall in love with a guy but I haven't been able to fall for anyone. 

 I hear another voice. 

"oh Justin! Don't you want to burn yourself? Maybe that will fix your problems." 

"no, cutting didn't help. I dont want to. Go away!" 

"don't make me get it for you and do it myself." fear rose up through my chest and small rivers of tears ran down my eyes. 

"okay.fine. You win!" I rummage through my door and find a lighter. I push my thumb on the end hard, and move the flame towards my skin."ow!!" 

"use an eraser, it works better." so I grab an eraser and run it hard against my skin, watching skin peel off. I rub so hard I ssee blood. I bite my lip as more tears fall. I see nothing but black and scream. 

"Justin!whats wrong??" says my mother who slammed open my door. I finally see again, looking down at my bloody arm."oh Hun, why are you doing this to yourself?!" she takes the eraser out of my hand and wraps her arms around me. I don't answer her. I just watch David shoving a mirror in my face. Its time to work out. I'm pale. I have circles under my eyes. I feel like lying in bed and crying myself to sleep, but David is pestering me. 

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