Ashley

Sorry to say, but this is just me venting...

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1. Ashley...

Trapped. That's how I feel from the moment of wake, to the moment of slumber. Even though she's not with me from sunrise to sunset, I always seem to feel that she's there. Watching me, waiting for me to do something wrong so that she can personally deliver the consequence of my slip up.
I've never felt so boxed, but then again, I've never really felt free. I've always been controlled, like most children in the world. I was told what to do, when to do it, and just how to do it. I wasn't my own, I've never been my own.

Like most, the parents eventually grant their children freedom. To do what they want, choose for themselves and make their own mistakes.

But not me.

For me it felt like my parents finally let me off the leash, just so I could right into a cage.

I'm not blaming my parents. In fact, my parents have nothing to do with the matter. They could actually care less because they don't know.

But anyway, at first it was fun but then it got hard. I stopped my world because she told me to. I stopped trying to make my own choices and fell to her feet. She dominated me and the craziest part of it all is that I was so weak that I let her.

She doesn't hesitant to lift her hand, or her fist, or even her foot, because she loves me. She's teaching me to be perfect so that she can love me even more.
Everyday I open my eyes to wonder what part of my body will hurt the next time I get to close them.
I gave up on me, and everyone who thought they knew me. I gave up on everything. Talking, eating, living, my life no longer belonged to me and somehow living my life on 'Ashley-Pilot' felt heavier that anything.

She knew when and who I spoke to. And speaking without her permission was forbidden. She knew if I took a step in the wrong direction, or looked at the wrong person the wrong way. I didn't love anyone any other way.
I didn't feel anything for anyone. Object were also included. I was to be selfless, giving all of what I had, to her. Only her.
I didn't eat without her, speak without her, sleep without her.

Those were her rules. They break, I break.

When she's not around I'm on auto-shutdown until she's back. I can't help it. I don't feel anything for it. I've become alien to my emotions and feelings. Ashley also owned those.

My tiny little world revolved around the satisfaction of Ashley. She, before all. I didn't have a choice but to adapt to the system, that or suicide.

It was sink or swim and I couldn't afford to sink so I had to swim, somewhat sinking in the process.

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