All he ever wanted was.....??!


1. The only chapter


He was a sweet child with a radiant smile that could make anyone's day. He wasn't out  of the ordinary , he was just your  average kid. But in their efforts to make him stand out , blinded  by social  conformity and  the ever-famous cliché  phrase  in Hindi " log kya kehenge? " ( which translates to " what will people say?") , they ended  up  corrupting  his ingenuous smile. The child grew into a teenager with  a distorted personality  and the worst part  he  didn't even  realize it. They taught him well, actually a bit too well. He was like water. He took the shape of whatever container  he was poured  into , but individually he stood shapeless. Eventually he did realize that he was different , but he chose to ignore it anyhow. He had no enemies  but  at  the same time he  had no one with whom he could be unguarded either. He called almost every  alleged friend of  his as his "best  friend"  and confided in them silly secrets  just to make them believe that they could  trust  him and to make sure  that he would never be on the receiving  end of  their childish endeavors.  He could  never really  form  a solid opinion and stand his ground for it. He wavered every time a slight breeze went by. How could you expect  water to not waver. It was only natural that he did. He always stayed away from making choices  because whenever  he had to , he'd start hearing  different voices  voicing  different opinions  and supporting or opposing  different choices. But he could never really  single-out his voice  from  the plethora  of voices. They never knew  about  him or his  internal struggles and assumed  his  facetious attitude  to be nothing  but  the rebellious  years  of  a teenager.


All of  a sudden  his career and his path for the next 5-6 years were pre-decided for him by them. He accepted this as he knew that he'd  be  away  from them for atleast until after the next 3-4 years  but little did  he  know  that there was a new much harsher leash in the form of grades waiting in store for him. He was under the illusion that he was finally free  and life was good for the first 2 years. He was now a "pro" at conforming  and college  taught him how  to master  the skill of camouflage , thus certainly  adding new feathers  to his hat. No one knew him and he never really made an effort to get to know anyone either. He liked to live in his  own fantasy world where he was genuinely  free , but his  haunting demons eventually  caught  up to  him in his asylum , his only paradise , thus his dreams exacerbated into  nightmares. Since he could not live in his made-up reality anymore , he resorted to immerse himself in other's made-up reality i.e.  the  fiction genre. He read , saw and read until his eyes bled. He was stagnant, stable and cold, the "water" had now frozen into ice. His shut-in personality  made him a pawn in the hands of five of the seven deadly sins. He was jealous of and felt frustrated with people who had his idea  of "freedom" but did not realize how lucky they were .Sloth , lust and gluttony were the obvious  byproducts of  having too much free time. Greed and Pride did not hold much power over him as he had no idea what he really wanted and he did not really have anything to be proud of. He did not notice the leash getting tighter around his neck  by the day until it started choking him one day. He lashed out to free himself  from the vice-like grip. It almost strangled him to his death. But he survived , that was the one thing he was good at. But he was not sure if his sole  good attribute benefited him. He knew he could do well if he tried but he couldn't ever come up with a reason to strive for, even after scavenging what little part of a soul he had left in him ,a million times.


                                 Everyone he knew was captivated with the scene of a chrysalis's metamorphosis into  a butterfly. But he knew that his chrysalis was light years away from even  a slightest hint of evolution. He was afraid that he'd never be the vaporous being that he'd aspired to be , omnipresent  and free. Freedom was not something he could achieve as long he was both the captor and the captive. He had to change something. He did not know what. He thought of changing  something about himself daily, but nothing really worked. He eventually realized that he had to start loving himself in order to move on. But he was so far down the self-loathing road , that he could not start afresh . 

                                Even amongst all this , two questions constantly kept popping up in his mind : Did he really love anyone? Did anyone really love him? He knew he loved his parents because whenever  he thought about standing up or going against their expectations and hurt them , he'd be more hurt instead. He felt sorry he couldn't be a better son to them , one who could fulfill all their wishes without talking back. About the vice-versa whether they loved him or not, he wasn't so sure. He knew that they didn't hate him but he also knew that they did not love him for what he was right then. They loved him in the hope that they'd probably get to see a better version of "him" one day.



To be loved for who he was.......that was all he ever wanted! 

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