Dark Intentions

A completed, short and not-so-serious story.

No, really, this story is really stupid. Don't take it seriously XD Also, I wrote this months ago and I haven't edited it really so... oops.

It's another boring day at the office. Or so it appears.
Satan waits impatiently for work to be over, before noticing that God has left without completing enough good deeds for the day! So, a disgruntled Satan sets off to keep the good and evil deeds in balance, but ends up accomplishing something entirely different.


2. A Turn of Events

I don't know if any of you have ever attempted teleportation when you're running on little-to-no sleep, but it’s completely draining! I wouldn't recommend it unless the situation absolutely calls for it, because it’s completely exhausting.


Well, at least I'm finally here: Germany! I'm here for a guy named… Hitler, as I recall? There’d been big talk of him at the office lately, but I hadn’t really paid too much attention. All I knew was that he was supposed to be “evil in human form”. We’d see about that. 

I snort to myself. For a mortal who's arguably the most powerful in the world, he sure has a dorky name.


I take in my surroundings. A dark bunker? Geez, he doesn't have great interior design skills either, does he? We must be underground,  I can feel the heat of my kingdom pulling me downwards.


I see him sitting in the corner, a worried expression on his face. I slink over to him, sit down and tap him on the shoulder. He looks up.


"Oh fuck! What the hell?" he screams. (This has been translated into modern English for your viewing pleasure).


What a foul mouth!

"Ahem? Language!" I scold the uneducated prick. 

"Oh, um, sorry... Oh fudge?" he says, obviously confused and scared, as he should be, peasant.

I laugh at his oblivion and correct him.

"No, say fuck all you like. Just take caution when you're mentioning 'hell' around me, next time." He opens his mouth in awe, and then shuts it again. That's what I thought.


"So, Hitler. How is life?"

He refuses to speak. He's clearly in shock, but that's no excuse. I coil my fiery hot claws around his puny throat, and repeat the question. "I asked you a question, and I expect it to be answered! Understand?" I ask him, and he nods, gulping against my hand, still firm around his neck. "So, how is life?" I say, releasing him.


He gasps. "Not so good, actually. My plans to take over the world and build a master-race have come crashing down lately. The pressure to succeed is just... Too much, you know?" I nod, smirking, as if I actually care about what he's saying.


"Well, there is one way you could... rid yourself of this pain, permanently." I say, testing the waters.


"Yea, I know." he replies. "I have been thinking a lot about it lately." Really? I guess half of my work is already done. Hey! Killing someone still counts as a good deed if the rest of the world hates them, right? Best of both worlds.


"You know, at this moment, you could just end it all?" I whisper into his ear, letting my cold breath travel through his skin. I conjure a gun from midair, and push it into his palm. I feel his breathing grow heavier.


"All you have to do is pull the trigger, my dear friend." I hiss. His lifeless eyes travel to mine for a second, and they linger over my demeaning expression. It must be a pitiful sight, the scarred face of a sadist who has become immune to emotion.


Suddenly he leans in and puts his mouth to my ear, and says the most unexpected thing I could have imagined: "Has anyone ever told you that you look really fucking hot when you're mean?"


My jaw drops open, but I quickly recover. "Oh come on, I'm hot all the time, dumb-ass. It's kind of of in the job description." I retort, but my voice shakes even as I say it.

He nuzzles his face into my neck and lets out a long, cool breath.

"Come on sweetheart, you know you want this to happen. We would be the baddest pair in history." he mumbles into my burning skin.

But this burning is... different. It's not just my evil radiance, I'm... blushing? Preposterous! No one calls me sweetheart (vomit) and gets away with it! 


"Uh... isn't this the part where you should be killing yourself?" I say feebly. He smirks.

"Oh, but should I now? If I was, then I wouldn't be able to do this." he says coyly, grinning, as he pushes me down, and starts straddling me. Then he leans down, pinning my arms to the floor, his face right above mine. "And we both know that that would be such a shame, wouldn't it?" 

I feel the lust dripping from his voice with his every word, and my heart (I have one of those useless things?) beating in my chest, faster and faster.


"You know, Satan, I have always admired your work. The control you demonstrate, your merciless, stone cold punishments. You run a tight ship. You are the reason for everything I have done! You're my inspiration, you're everything I have ever known. And now, I want you to feel my appreciation. You know, for getting me so far and all, helping me create my infamous name. And I want you to know that everything I have done to this world, I have meant it, every bit of it. It's engrained in me, because of you. So I thank you, I thank you now."

And with that, he leant in and gave me a rough, passionate kiss on the mouth. I gasped, in shock, in horror, but also in... desire?


"Oh, and before how I mentioned that everything I did was true to my beliefs? Well, except for the part about hating gays. That was all kind of a cover up... But I guess you know now." he sneered as he leant in for another heated kiss.


Now, while I was lying here, pinned to the ground, locked in a passionate kiss with one of the most evil mortals imaginable, I could deny everything. I could say I was disgusted, I could say that this was wrong, but it was. And that made it even better. He was right! There was nothing holding us back! We could have it all, be the most twisted, notorious coupling of all time! Since when did I have to settle with being lumped over with everyone else's dirty laundry? Since never. I have been complaining about my job for the longest time ever, and since when did I work for the man? That's RIGHT. Never! So fuck it, I quit!


I growled into Hitler's ear. "Shut up and fuck me."

"Oh, baby. I like it when you're rough." he grinned as he unzipped his pants. "Call me Adolf, by the way."


                     And they lived happily ever after.


                                  The End

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