Try to Change Me

In a mans world, some women have trouble gaining power and once you have it you hold on to it for dear life. Caught between needing to be a Dom but wanting to be a Sub, one women will search for someone audacious enough to make her take the orders. But even if she finds them, will she be able to relinquish what little power she has?

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1. The Gain

     Some habits die hard. I've never been what most would consider a believer but yet i pray. I understand why people seek a higher power but to me it seems pointless. Why worship when you could be worshiped? Well in my house my views were far from traditional. In fact, they were down right disgusting. I was told that i was under the influence of the devil and on occasion that i was the devil. But i didn't mind because as Sunday school taught me, the devil holds much power.

     As a kid and young teenager i had no power, no authority, no say in what my own life held for me. All i had was rules, restrictions, and dreams that i knew better than to voice. So i enjoyed those moments, i enjoyed the fear i saw in their eyes. A fear that i would be the one they couldn't control, it made me feel unstoppable. But feelings like that only last for so long, before reality sets back in. I was just another kid forced into obedience and to believe what ever i was told. At the time there was nothing i could do. Any small victory i could have won would have never been worth the punishment. I have never believed in any form of a god or religion but in bouts or irony i would pray that i could break free from my seemingly inevitable destiny of a lifetime of mindless worship. It just seemed so wrong to get on my knees for a man i'd never met. 

     Have you ever felt something so strongly it seemed to come from your bones? That's how i felt about breaking free from my methodical chains. I knew i was meant for something much more. I didn't want to believe in a power i wanted to be the power. I didn't want to get on my knees i wanted people to kneel before me. I don't think i'm the best there ever was or will be, i don't have a god complex, and i know i'm not special. In truth, i am very far from being any of those things. But to each is own and my desires were my own. 

     In September of 2009 my grandmother died after coming home from a lengthy stay at a nursing hospital just the night before. Though this is still, to date, the worst thing to happen in my life, oddly enough it was a major turning point as well. To most a broken family sounds terrible but i was used to it. My family always had the cracks it just needed the push. My grandmothers dying wish was that even in her absence we remain a family and take care of each other, but after only a few weeks any hope of that dwindled. I would soon become nothing more than an occasional shadow to my family and that is where my real story begins. 

     

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