Try to Change Me

In a mans world, some women have trouble gaining power and once you have it you hold on to it for dear life. Caught between needing to be a Dom but wanting to be a Sub, one women will search for someone audacious enough to make her take the orders. But even if she finds them, will she be able to relinquish what little power she has?

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2. The Changeturn

     At just thirteen years old with no discernible authority figure and no real responsibility i went crazy. Peer pressure was the least of my problems and my own desires were my greatest. Being free for the first time made me want to be bad. All i wanted was to do drugs and sexualize my self. I had never felt an orgasm and i had never felt the rush of drugs and alcohol running through my veins but at the time they both seemed like decent aspirations. I started smoking weed and drinking when i could get my hands on liquor, but it wasn't enough. I wanted the raw feeling of someone taking me, all of me. Or so i thought. 

     I feel bad for virgins. Your first time isn't sweet and loving and soft and filled with emotion like they make it seem in movies. It hurts, it's awkward, it's messy, maybe even a little gross, and over all it's terrible. For me the worst part wasn't the pain but having some rude teenage boy ordering me around, "spread your legs like this!" "lift them up" "bend over". Who do they think they are to tell me what to do? But old habits die hard and i couldn't bring myself to do anything but what i was told. Maybe i still thought there would be a punishment for my disobedience. For many boys and men to come i would still take there sexual orders like it was my sworn duty, though each time i hated my self a little more for it. Don't get me wrong they all had full consent but after doing what a man wanted me to i felt dirty and pathetic. Sex never felt good with any of those men, not because of size or lack of talent. I knew it was because of something inside of me, i could feel it.

     In one way or another every thing in my life goes back to power. I hated not being in control but i was rarely in situations that i could be in control of. Though i had been free of my chains for some time now i had yet to figure out how to gain the power that i so desired. One day, well searching for what i wanted most, i found the next best thing. 

     Hallucinogenic and prescription drugs seemed to make me feel more in control than i ever had before. And when i had sex, i no longer cared about taking orders and i no longer felt dirty. I was not hooked on the drugs so much as i was hooked on the feeling of not hating myself for as long as my high would last. It was a beautiful feeling to feel normal even if i had to do abnormal things to feel that way. In reality i was just so out of my mind on drugs that i didn't care about anything but i'd be damned if i was going to admit that to myself. But just like feeling invincible looking into fearful eyes, reality did eventually set in, and the old feelings of hate and filth came back no matter how loaded i was. 

     I've always prided myself on how easy it was for me to get in peoples heads as well as my own. Self discovery is a very important to me. I like to know every aspect of myself, like why i make the choices i do  

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