How Each Harry Potter Book/Film Could Have Ended

Hilarious alternate endings for all 8 films.


4. The Goblet of Fire

Everyone arrived on the Hogwarts train and learned of the Triwizard Tournament.

"Well, now that I've announced the tournament, I am ready to pick names from the inanimate Goblet of Fire." At those words, a spurt of flames erupted. "The first champion is...your mom." Dumbledore turned to the crowd. "All right, who wrote this?"

Nobody spoke up, so Dumbledore continued, "Kendra is dead anyway. The next champion is...Justin Bieber."

Everyone was shocked.

"And the third is Luna Lovegood. Who isn't even 17 yet. The heck? Well, the Goblet has spoken."

Suddenly, a spurt of flames indicated that a fourth was to be unleashed. Dumbledore read it. "The Boy Who Lived. I think that's you, Potter!"

Harry stepped forward. Luna was already up.

A moment later, who everyone thought was Mad-Eye Moody walked in.

"Alastor, you're late," said Dumbledore.

"I know," said Barty Crouch Junior. "I was running...from that!" He pointed to Justin, who had also arrived recently.

"Moody," said Dumbledore. "I think the Goblet is a belieber."

"How do you know?" Moody asked.

"It picked Justin instead of, you know, a Beauxbatons student."

"What's wrong with Justin?" Bary asked.

"Let's start with the fact that he sings like a girl."

"Right," said Barty. "Bieber, you have been chosen for the tournament."

Justin walked up front. "I'd like to thank you for inviting me to Hogwarts. First, here's a little ditty about my love life. Baby, baby, baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, noo!"

"Shut up now," said Dumbledore.

"Thought you'd always be mine," Justin continued. "Baby, baby, baby..." He turned to see only five Hogwarts students were alive. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Romilda, and Luna were the only ones still standing. "Oh, I'm sorry, did I break your concentration?"

"Why are you quoting Samuel Jackson?" Luna asked.

Just then, Darth Sidious landed in the room. "Execute Order 66!"

Harry screamed. A moment later, stormtroopers burst in. They opened fire, and laser blasts hammered the walls. At the same moment, Justin left quickly.

"What are you doing?" Hermione asked.

"Trying to aim. But failing to aim is what stormtroopers do best!"

Harry rushed in front of Ron, only to take a hit from the blaster bolts before he arrived.

"I just hit someone!" said the stormtrooper who scored the hit.

"Congratulations," said Sidious. "Now finish the others!"

"Protrego!" Ron shouted.

"It is no use," said Sidious. "It is useless to use sticks to block the power of Star Wars." The stormtroopers walked up to Ron and blasted him.

Then the stormtroopers turned their fire on Hermione, but the nerd survived the attack. Giving up on their aim, the troops dispersed, Sidious in the lead.

Hermione watched them go. "Ron and Harry...dead! How can this be?" She began to wail. "Luna, now that Harry's dead, I think you should be the main character person. You have more swag than we all."

Luna nodded. "I won't let you down. Voldemort! You want to help? You definitely excel Ron."

"Yes," said Voldemort. "And I think Bellatrix wants to help, too."

Bellatrix apparated in the room. "Is this a trick, Loony?" When Luna remained silent, Bellatrix continued, "Answer me, Mudblood! Crucio!"

Luna writhed in agony, but the curse was short-lived. A police dropped in. "You're under arrest."

"What?" said Bellatrix.

"For performing an Unforgivable Curse on this awesome girl here." He handcuffed Bellatrix, who dropped her wand. Then he proceeded her out.

Voldemort looked shocked. "Can Gregorovitch help instead? He's awesome, but not as good as Bella."

"So be it," said Luna. And with a strong handshake, the three best Harry Potter characters who were still alive and free set out on their journey. And, not knowing quite why, Voldemort promised to stick with them thick and thin.

Luna was a Triwizard Champion, but because Dumbledore and Harry were dead, that no longer had any meaning. No Portkey was touched, and no mermaids were killed. And the Hungarian Horntail was still out there somewhere...

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