Fuck it, I'm learning

My life isn't a movie, it's not a book with just one ending and I can't just throw it in the trash and start over. I have to live with the choices I make, even if my choices send me straight to hell.


7. jbg

So everything went downhill. In my first week, I turned into the best and worst possible version of myself. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be like that or not but I wanted to fit in, so I forced myself to.  I had sex with a guy who is seven years older than me! It might not seem like that big deal, but for me, it was.  I was crazy stupid, and we were crazy stupid, and the alcohol didn't help us being crazy stupid.  I feel like a huge bitch because he had a girlfriend when we did the nasty and I totally knew it... the fact that she was 4000 miles away did help take the guilt off, though.  He is seven years older than me.  He is seven years older than me.  He is seven years older than me.  Just let that sink in for a little bit.  He is seven years older than me.  It was an incredible night, don't get me wrong and I don't regret doing it either.  I felt so incredibly guilty the morning after because I was turning into a person I never wanted to be.  I never wanted to lose my virginity to a guy who I wasn't dating, I didn't want to be the girl who has random one-night stands, and I didn't want to be the wasted white girl everyone finds annoying.  I'm not quite sure who I saw myself as but it sure wasn't the person I was turning into or the person I am now.  I want to be the type of person who is loyal, trustworthy, honest, open, friendly, and I want to be sober when I act like that.  I need to find a balance between sober me and drunk me because right now it's too hard to find.  

Yes, I am ranting about the person I have turned into, and yes I did have random sex with a bunch of guys, and I do feel bad about it, but it's in the past, and I can't go back.  I just want to be the type of person my parents can be proud of, and I want them to be proud of me for me and not the lies I tell them.  I need help, and no one can see it, but I'm drowning in a sea of lies and regret.  


On another note, I did do a bunch of fucking stupid things after that night and look forward to sharing them with you.  

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