~DEAR DIARY~

"What is it that makes a Cat curious?" ~ "What is it that makes you different to me?" ~ "What is it that you see as Normality..." ~ "What are you, Human or Animal?" ~ "Why are you hiding what you are?" ~ "Even if you say you are actually Human, do you really expect me to believe that?" ~ "What is Love to you?" ~ "Do you think Abusive Relationships are okay in the Animal Kingdom?" ~ "How many times are you question yourself in your life?" ~ "Do you feel alone?" ~ "Do you ever feel like being Alone allows you to think like an animal?" ~ "Or... do you feel like Loneliness exists in just Us?" - Luke J.R

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12. ~Mind~

Dear Diary,

Today's word is: 'Mind' ~ Why think so deeply? -.-

I’m going for my Appointment on Monday, I’ll soon know what the F- is wrong me. I think back to when I was a kid, just a kid who was trying to be who he truly was. And I think back saying; why the F- did I not be who I am today? I would have been so much better; I would have been so many better things to people. High School can F- off too, all it ever did to me was destroy me. What happened to my confidence? I had so much confidence as a kid, but after that- it just died, and I no longer feel Me anymore. I actually would be willing to say that I have still have the childhood mind, I have the mind of a kid. It’s there, and I can feel it, and that’s why everything else is so different, so strange.

I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate being trapped here with (thanks to High School) little to no confidence. There was a time where I would literally do anything, I would just go for it not caring what anyone else thinks. I would just be living as me, as who I am, and that would be great. So, why World have fucked with my mind? Why have you hurt me so many times, and why are you continuously making me feel like this trapped person. I hate it, I freakin’ hate it, if there is a way to just remove these stupid deep thoughts. Oh, mind why think so deeply. Seriously, why! I hate it, and I hate it even more when it gets to me.

Like now, it’s getting me, and I have to be brave. I have to just share it with you all as writing helps me calm down. The problem is that I can’t get my mind out of that mind-set, I can’t escape the stupid memories, the ones I’d rather just have removed. I feel like if they were gone, I wouldn’t have a problem anymore. I would feel normal (back to myself) I’d feel better, but no, I have to live with this ongoing deep thinking shit. And I’m sorry, but when it comes to talking about things like this, it’s personal AF (and I can’t help it) I curse because I know how angry it gets me, and how irritating it truly is.

Stop looking at the World like you are this trapped person. Stop thinking so deeply, just stop with the stupid thoughts. Yes, I am talking to my own mind because I don’t agree with my own mind. I hate how it thinks deeply, I hate how it continues to F- me over, makes me look like an idiot when I’m trying to be me, and I’m trying to do what I have in my mind. But no, it doesn’t work that way because my mind just ruins it for me.

I’m sorry, I’ll stop with the anger. But yeah, I have an Appointment on Monday, if it helps me I’ll let you know, if it is some kind of medication, I’ll let you know don’t worry. I just can’t live with these stupid thoughts, eventually it’s going to kill me (and I know that for a fact) So, I’m really sorry if this was touchy subject, but at the same time… I feel like it had to be said. I had to tell you all, my mind just won’t leave me alone with the deep thoughts. So, thank you for reading, I really need to stop thinking so deeply, mind stop! It’s irritating AF, and I think if it continues I really will feel the need to END it myself!

Seriously, it’s getting that annoying…

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