~ Broken ~
I’ve chosen the word ‘Broken’ today, I feel like it sums up what happened years ago. Throughout my whole freaking life, the word ‘Broken’ is something that I now see myself using more often. But then I think back to before, when I was just this innocent kid, and it makes me think about how that word ‘Broken’ is something I would never even think of using back then. It’s all the memories that return to me when I think about the word. They flood in, left and right, and they do not leave my mind alone. Oh, mind, why do you think so deeply.
I think back to the days when I was just this innocent dude, this guy who would just be someone in the background. Well, before that, he was not just this some background character. No, he was like this most-loved person in class, and I think back to how I remembered it, how I thought about things back then. I loved the attention, and it probably explains so much about me, this is why I always think back. I find things that I never noticed before, things that I didn’t quite understand as a child. So, now looking back on it, I remember always wanting attention, but that was just an instinct right? Most kids are like that, right? Never mind, I’ll just think back to what was going on at home.
I was the first born, I then had a brother, but before that I loved the attention, I grew up with attention all around me. A massive family always wanting to be around me, and yes, I’ll admit the family isn’t quite as big as when I was a child. I hate that, I hate how time can just reduce your family, all those people you wanted to get to know better. And before that, you don’t even know there is a future, you don’t know what Death is, and you certainly don’t want to find out at the time. You just enjoy being you, and have fun with everything around you. All the people, friends, family, you just get everything a kid could want.
So, a brother comes along not ruining anything, he was awesome, I loved having him around. Why? He was kind of like me, sure, he was little and would only do more childish things, but he was my brother. I think back to it, and I wasn’t like that with him, I wasn’t just accepting him into the family. It wasn’t optional, you have to get on with him, you have to accept he is there. The getting on with him part isn’t actually forced, you can decide whether you want to get on with your siblings or not. In the long run you are going to want siblings around you.
Back then, you wouldn’t be like that, you would be thinking to yourself on why is this kid around? Why is he taking all the attention? Am I not the cute one anymore? Or you will accept it, and just get the equal amount of attention you both deserve. But we tend to get greedy sometimes, and attention seeking is one of those things we are greedy over.
So, I think you can imagine what I was like, right? No? I was a troublemaker, I would always try to get more attention around the house, trying to find ways to get that attention was the real challenge. But if my imagination was anything like it is today, you would probably assume I had it all planned out. Not really, I remember just trying stupid things in order to get that attention. I will admit what really helps me remember all this is some video footage of me as a kid. But that isn’t the reason why I remember it all, and why I can think back to those days. I’ll admit anyone can probably think back to those childhood days. Well, almost anyone, but I won’t go all scientific on you, since I have no idea where to begin with all that.
School Days are right around the corner after around two years? Something like that, I start school and we will skip the first three years. Before that, I was always being (harassed)? Yeah, I’d like to call it that, I mean there were like these two girls who would not leave me alone. You’d think I’d like that, all the attention they are trying to give me, and some reason I didn’t enjoy it at first. Later on, I started to adjust a little, but I still didn’t try to make friends with them.
Weird, it was much later on when I actually started talking to them like friends. It’s funny, two girls always annoying you, chasing you, trying to hug you, trying to kiss you, and there’s me thinking it was a nightmare back then? Yeah, and what didn’t help was one year after that… one of the two girl’s cousins joins the school, she is in the same room as me.
This brings the instant ‘join us’ to her, and she soon joins these two girls, so, now I have three of them annoying me. Not going to leave me alone, and I really wouldn’t see a problem with that today. Seriously, I think I would have loved all that attention, but you just got to keep in mind, this is like what happens to most kids, right? They are running away from girls, and the girls are running the guys. It’s like ‘I need some guy time’ – yeah, I remember it all. Further down the line, I then made more friends, keep in mind I had a best friend even when these two girls wouldn’t leave me alone. He didn’t really get involved, he just wondered off when these girls would chase me. And I am not even joking, I was chased for hours.
I am surprised I outrun them most of the time, and other times they got way too lucky. It’s not odd, I hear stories similar to mine all the time (usually involving being tied to a lamppost or something) ~ I’m serious, there’s been like kids saying ‘I was tied up in skipping rope’ – Wow, looks like we now have some strange Fanfictions coming out of this… xD
Anyway, enough of the backstories. I need to just say what it is that I’ve discovered from looking back at all this. It’s that I had this attention, and I loved it, but at home, I didn’t get as much attention. So, really as a kid, I shouldn’t have been running away from these girls. I really wish I had stayed with them, as it would have given me the attention I needed. I’m sure they wanted attention too, and me running probably was giving them some sort of attention. Maybe more fun, more playful, more excitement in their days. Who knows! And that’s just it, I will never know the true answers to all this. It’s all going to have to be remembered, and I’m going to have to come up with some kind of conclusion that best fits what I’ve been talking about. What I’ve been wanting to know for the past few years.
Why the word ‘Broken’? Because when I think back to those days, everything was better, I even became the #1 in the class. I would never ever think that of me, never, I loved the attention, but at the same time I didn’t really feel any reason to brag, any reason to go ‘I’m #1’ I just felt like I was equal like everyone else. I was also the class clown further down the line, but enough of that. I got involved in some really stupid things too, got into the wrong crowds due to this popularity. So, likewise, it was always going to turn round and bite me.
Karma, I believe in this word, I believe in that it exists. Why? Because there is no way you can just explain this. It all makes sense, you say ‘I was popular, I got involved in the wrong crowds’ my popularity then leads to years of torment, and what I would call my own personal HELL. Yeah, it really must be Karma, and I think like an alternative universe: ‘what would have changed if I had not been popular in the first few schools?’ Who knows, I have no idea, and I will never know. But I’m at least thankful for making it this far without calling myself any of the names that the HELL would call me.
Today, I am broken, I am still broken, but I don’t let it get to me. I try not to let it get to me, I avoid it like anyone else. Depression is somewhere in my Life, and it does return every time I’m trying to make myself feel better. It never leaves me alone, I even try things to just remove that depression, but I won’t go into details about that. Not yet at least.
Overall, there is just all the things that happened in the Past, it just keeps finding ways to come back. This is why I wish I could just skip right to the Future, I bet I wouldn’t even be thinking like this. But again, I have no idea what it is that is really causing me problems. Depression is just what many call it, but I know for a fact that there is something not right about me.
I feel that way, and I’m still trying to find the courage to go to a Doctor about this. Don’t worry, I will sometime this week, but just remember that all this means something to me. If you can relate, that’s sweet, that’s awesome. At the same time, it’s sad to hear that you too have similar stories, problems, issues, whatever, just anything that makes you feel down. Depression would probably fit right in somewhere around here. Anyway, I don’t want any of you to panic, any of you to think I have some really serious illness, I’m trying to find ways to deal with it. So, when you think about it like that, I’m actually trying to solve my problem.
It really is like this Puzzle with many Puzzle Pieces scattered around this Empty Void.