1. Background Knowledege
Before reading this, I want you to know my life is not just depressing, it is good at times, lately though the bad seems to happen more. Everyone thinks my family is rich, we aren't. I am constantly worried about money. I have a few friends, a good friend group. Most of them are depressed. I am one of the brighter flowers, or at least I was. They all seem to be getting happier and better, but I seem (to myself not them) to be getting more and more depressed. It's as if all of their past depressions and worries are coming unto me. I tell myself I can handle it but deep within I know it's only a matter of time till I fall. This time no one is going to catch me or lay down a pillow for me when I do. But day after day I go on, I bottle up all my feelings inside. I hold them within so that no one knows how I really feel. I try and pretend to be strong. I pretend that I am totally gonna make it through the day without crying. Sometimes I do, today I woke up crying. I wear my mask everyday, I wear around my mom, who would literally kill me if she knew I was writing this. I wear it around my dad, to protect him from my sadness for he faces it as well. I wear it around my friends, for if they knew it could upset their happiness. I used to not have to wear it around one person, that person meant the world to me. They accepted me, they understood me, they picked me up when I was down, for once I found someone that I didn't have to hide myself from. But because my own insecurities got in the way, now I can't say hi without taking into account he may never answer, I can't get a smile in my direction even when we are in the same class, it's as if he barely even exists. It breaks me down more and more everyday. I try, harder and harder everyday. I work to not disappoint, I work to be the girl that everyone can count on, the rock persa, but I get shakier and shakier every second. I smile for cameras, I smile for my parents, I smile for my mom and dad, I smile for my friends, I smile for me even, but just before I fall asleep, I can normally feel one tear fall of my eye.