Sitting on the floor with our backs against the wall, Belle and I watch as her parents and their friends start the mega clean up. We've just celebrated her sweet 16th with a big party in a big hall, with a great DJ and copious amounts of dancing. It's mid March, I have no idea where the time has gone. I swear 5 minutes ago I was tossing and turning in my sheets as the excitement for christmas set in. School's back, unfortunately it hasn't burnt down and is still in operation. It's been a blur of work and preparation for our first lot of assessments in year 11. Belle's party has been a welcome distraction for us all.
It's 11.30 now, and I had texted Luke earlier asking if he'd pick me up after work, hoping we'd get some midnight kissing in. The attempt was fruitless as soon as he found out he'd have to drive 20 minutes to come and get me. I'm pissed, yes, but I know better than to ruin Belle's night by crying, unlike Summer. Belle and I had been a power duo tonight, although we don't sit together at school anymore, we just work at parties. Summer is Belle's best friend, and apparently she thought I was 'stealing' her, ridiculous I know. Belle and I just ignored her petulant tantrum and carried on with our fun, and boy, we did have fun.
"Belle," I turned to face her, both of us a picture of exhaustion. "Can you take me home?"
Her brow furrowed, "I thought you were going to ask Luke to pick you up?" Shaking my head, I shrug in exasperation. Belle nods understandingly, "I see.. We can probably take you home! Let me just ask mum." I watch as Belle gets up to go and find her mother, and rest my head against the wall tiredly once she's out of my view. Tonight was a little weird if I'm honest. I had a lot of fun, Belle and I were dancing non stop, our bodies moving to the music with euphoria, yet I can't help but feel like it was only us. She had a joint party with a girl called London, her friend since infancy. I don't think even one person invited by her spoke to us all night. The guys were all so stuck up and self involved, Belle and I tried a couple of times to engage in conversation with them, with no avail. Still, I enjoyed myself, despite having to see Belle get annoyed at Summer's immaturity.
"Mim we can't take you! Our car is full." Belle announces as she rounds the corner and plonks herself on her butt next to me. "Shit man. Why couldn't Luke just come and get me?" Belle attempts to put her arm around me, but he hand gets caught in my necklace, and we burst into laughter.
"Hey, I never told you, I love your dress! Is it new?" I gesture to Belle's bright pink dress, which is skin tight, plunges at the neck line, revealing her very perfect looking boobs, and comes to rest just below her knees. She looks stunning, I don't understand why the guys were so rude tonight, hell, I would go there!
"Thanks Mim! It is new, mum and I went shopping for a dress for me to wear tonight and we found this in a cute little boutique in the city." I nod approvingly, smiling at her.
"I like your dress too! Is that the one you borrowed from Harriet?" Belle asks, remembering that I told her a girl from work was going to lend me a dress for tonight, since I was convinced that my wardrobe needs a revamp.
"Yeah it is! Cute huh? The material is so soft, I love it. I don't think I'll be wearing it again though.." I giggle, and so does Belle, knowing that I cannot stand the colour pink. The dress in question is from kookai, a hot pink little number that's high necked and falls mid thigh on me. I must admit, it's very flattering, but the colour makes me feel a little sick. I might stick to white and black in the future.
A little while later, London's mum offers me a lift home, which I graciously accept, and Belle and I help everyone to pack up the decorations and left over food into the cars. The ride home is filled with excited talk about the fun night London and her two best friends had, and I join in animatedly. Once we're at my house, I thank London for inviting me, and her mum for driving me home, before wearily walking into the house and getting ready for bed. Once I'm in my pyjamas, with my make up wiped off and teeth brushed, I get into bed and make myself comfortable. With one last glance at my phone, and no messages from Luke, I close my eyes.
Around 11am the next morning I'm in the middle of a long and gruelling study session, in preparation for the assessment period that's coming up. These exams are worth about 15% of my school grade, which means I need to work hard so that I can do as well as I want to.
I log onto my macbook and go to my emails to check for a response from my english teacher. My first assessment is english, so I'm anxious to get the feedback from her in a timely manner that allows me to edit my essay well before the assessment. My heart skips a beat when I see the email from him.
Subject: Please don't take this out on me, cause you're the only thing that's keeping me alive
I smile at the Pierce the Veil reference, and eagerly open the email.
I'm sorry Mim,
I should've picked you up,
I should've done so much more for you over time.
I'm really not healthy for you. I'm completely useless at wanting to care about another person. I'm so incredibly selfish, I push everyone away - then complain to myself about being so alone - yet when I feel like I want to be there for someone half of my mind just goes all "what are you doing", "you're being pathetic", "you're relying on someone else for happiness again". I have a lot of terrible traits, but I didn't write this to apologise for those.
I wrote this to apologise for not coming to get you last night. I should've, I'm sorry. I read your "I'll walk" thing, saw it as a guilt trap and instantly just wanted to ignore it and turn my back on it. It's my reaction to things like that, I hate guilt trips and things and always just ignore them and turn against them to spite them. I shouldn't have. Regardless if I didn't like the guild trip I care about you and that should also come first before my own stupid ego. I put your wellbeing second to my own emotions and stubbornness and I'm so sorry. It doesn't help that the logical side of me doesn't comprehend why I care or worry about you - but that really shouldn't matter, I have to learn to do things differently and not be selfish and such a one person army - again, I'm sorry.
I'm not good with being close with people anymore. I instinctively try to make myself not care about them because I don't want to rely on them, I don't want to be vulnerable to anything again - I guess I'm kind of my own control freak and I'm scared of not being able to just make logical decisions without letting my feelings or emotions get in the way because I don't want to end up dependant on anyone. Consequently, I guess I've pushed most people away - but for some reason every time I pull one of these pathetic stunts on you, you still try to mend things ? Not that any of that is ever an excuse for leaving you somewhere without a method of getting home. It shouldn't matter if we're the best of friends, together, not talking, fighting, wanting to kill each other or hating each other, I'm never going to leave you, uncertain in a random place without a way home. I knew one of your friends would be able to take you home (whether your stubbornness would let them is a different story), but it shouldn't matter, its the principle and I should've been there for you. I'm sorry.
I don't want you to forgive me, I'm a mess of a person. I care about other people, but when it comes to my own life I'm self absorbed and I force myself to stay as busy as physically possible so I don't have to think about my life or take responsibility for my shit. It's terrible. I guess I have you to thank for making me realise it and wake up to the fact that I can't just cut people out forever and put myself first, somethings got to give.
It's frustratingly annoying that a tiny girl can teach me so much about myself -_-
I hope you had a fun night, I hope you met great people - I hope you met an awesome guy, who's perfect for you and that you can rub that in my face and make me comprehend my mistakes even more. I know I'm not good for you and the amount of energy you spend thinking about me isn't healthy but thanks for everything you've done for me and being there. I'm sorry for being an asshole. Always. Doesn't make sense to apologise for something that keeps happening.. but I'm sorry.
The goosebumps on my arms and tears in my eyes are the only things that signal that this is real. Holy shit. I love him. God, I love him.