Somewhere out there

I'm a girl with too many problems, too many fears. Sometimes I even wonder how I am still here with the amount of cowardice I have. I've forced myself to push away anybody who could ever love me, simply because I knew we'd lose each other. I've been in too many relationships like this that I didn't want to force anyone else to go through the misery. You could say it's my fault, then, that I feel so lonely, but I myself blame emotions. We have too many of them, and we're expected to keep track of them all. If it was up to me, I'd ask if would could store some away. Sadly, that's impossible. Once I moved in with my aunt though, everything changed. I told myself I would change myself, force myself not to push people away, but to welcome them with open arms. Maybe I'd hurt people, maybe I'd hurt myself, but at least I could say I tried.

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1. Chapter One

Slowly, I look back at the house I have called my own for the 16 years of my existence and smile, because I am finally leaving this place. The place where I cried myself to sleep, the place where I sang my heart out to Paramore songs. All that bitterness would soon be out of my mind.

"Elina," My aunt Aubrey called from down the driveway. "We have to get ready to get to the airport."

"Can we wait a moment?" I turn back to her, and I smile wide. Another one of my famous fake-smiles.

Aubrey nods her head sympathetically and I turn back to the big blue house. The one bay window on the second floor was my own bedroom. It used to be covered in black curtains, but now you can see right into the empty bedroom. The dark blue paint I used to love now mocks me, and I frown before walking back to the convertible.

"Are you okay?" Aubrey asks concernedly. I just nod my head. I'm going to move in with Aubrey, all the way in Connecticut, to some small town in some nameless corner of the state. I am actually very excited- I get to escape the place I am now, I get to restart. I get to restart as myself, more importantly.

"Alright," She nods, taking my last bag and stuffing it into the trunk, then closing it. "Well, we better get going."

She smiles at me again before I climb into the back seat, trying to avoid talking to my parents. They are the ones who are shipping me off. They can't take me anymore, so they decided my aunt was the best person to take care of me since she went through the same thing. If only they understood that this isn't bad- in fact, it's great. They don't have to carry the burden that is myself... they don't have to worry. God knows I am the last person they should be worrying about. After all, I am just a depressed teenager. One of thousands.

"Don't you want to say goodbye?" Aubrey asks me.

"No," I reply, looking over at them. My little sister looks longingly back. "Goodbyes are the hardest." She nods again, and it kinda annoys me how submissive she is, accepting any answer I give her. My parents said she had depression, so she must know all the excuses. Well, most of them.

Slowly, I wave at them before slamming the door shut. Eseena turns into my mom's shoulder, shaking with tears. It makes me upset how close we were, yet I'm leaving her. It's just so selfish to do this to her.

Before I can run out and hug her, to tell her everything is okay and I'll be back as soon as possible, my phone buzzes. It's the main source of my sanity anymore, but recently that's dwindled. My friend and I... well, we don't talk anymore. It was just sudden, too. One day, we were talking, about a hundred messages transpired, but then it slowly trickled away, until we sent nothing to each other. No pictures, no calls. It's as if she just vanished from the earth... or I did from her memory.

I check it and see it's just a comment on my story. 'Its great write more.' Those are all I get anymore. Not 'I can totally relate to this character' or 'I think you can do this better.' Nothing to help me. Not even a simple smile was sent my way. Just comments demanding me to write more. I'm complaining, yet I do. I write more and more, until I am tired out. It's sickening to see me bending to every whim of these readers. Guess I know what authors feel like now.

I simply flick the comment away. I stopped replying to those comments months ago. The only time I really interact with people like them is when I tell them thank you, but even then, I normally don't reply whenever they have.

The one thing that bugged me about writing online wasn't the annoying comments, or the shameless self promotion messages. It was the fact that even then, people were making their own cliques. Whether it be role-playing groups, writing groups or even just competition groups, you always found them at some part of it. Me? Well, I am not part of one. I never will be. I'm independent, no one can touch my work. My stories are of my creation, my will, my choice. I've already had so many of my other choices taken away, the direction in which my fantasies go will not be one of them.

"Alright, Elina." Aubrey sighs and slams the car door behind her, getting situated in the driver's seat. From what I can tell, the convertible is very well kept. I've been told before that she's a neat freak.

"It's time to get ready to have an enormous change of pace." She fires up the ignition, therefore starting a fire in the radio. Surprisingly enough to make me look up from my phone, there's some amazing music on right now.

"Hey," I say, my voice managing to be louder then the music. "Doesn't the top come down?"

Aubrey nods, looking back and checking her mirrors before pulling out of the driveway.

"Once we get onto the highway I'll take the top down. Just make sure there are no loose papers or anything."

I nod, already knowing there's nothing to worry about- I don't write on paper unless I have to. My hand cramps up otherwise.

Before I get distracted on my phone, I wave once again to the family standing on the porch. I think I was once part of it, I can't remember though. They just look so picture-esque, like an ideal family. It's hard to imagine I could've ever been a part if it. What, with Eseena's incredible mind and my mom's stunning looks, I seem like the goose within a family of ducks. 

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