The first December 2015. that's it peps, Christmas is finally over us! I just woke up, and was now laying on my couch. The December sun was shining through the steamy windows, and was probably the reason why I woke up. But it was okay, I had been so exited for Christmas, so it was okay to be up early. Okay early and early it was 9:30, but it was early for me.
Our band was having a break the next month, so I actually promised myself to be in bed to a least 11 every morning, but something woke me up today. I'm not exactly sure if it had something to do with the sun or the thoughts of the cellar door right beside the fridge.
The memories from last night appeared in my head, the girl...
Who was she? Should I hear the rest of the tape or should I just forget about it? It could be a silly joke from a group of people who just wanted a god laugh. But on the other hand, why would people do that? And if they wanted people to see it, then why make it that hard to find the door? I was just lucky that the fridge cable weren't long enough, or else i hadn't found the door.
It knew it was not a good Idea to go down there again, but on the other side the girl were death, what could It hurt to hear just one more?
I walked out in the kitchen and over to the door. I found my iiphone and turned on the flashlight. When I opened the door I could not resist to look at the pictures, even though it made me sad. It was insane how much work the girl had laid in this room, there want a singe spot were you could see the wall, it was completely covered in pictures and quotes. And they were all about the same; reasons why not to live.
I promised myself that I would take the stuff down soon, but not right now I needed to hear the next tape. i needed to found out more about the girl, who she was, and if she really were dead.
I moved slowly down the stairs and over to the outlet, where I turned on the light. The room then lighted up a little, but still not enough so that i could se the room clearly.
Then I moved over the tape recorder I started to looking for the next tape. I found tape number 2, but when I looked at it I could see that the words 2 december, where standing just above the big number 2. So it wasn't tape number 2 witch were the next.
I kept looking until I finally found one with the number 1½ on it.
I hesitated before I started the tape.
I'm to fat
How many times, do you think a girl had said that sentence over a lifetime?
She was right; girls complained all the time over how fat they were.
I'll admit, that sentence had leaved my mouth several times in the 17 years I had lived.
People are telling me often that I'm to thick, and that's the reason why I do anything to lose weight. Somebody would say, that I have anorexia. Who knows maybe I have? But I'm fine to admit that now. If you asked me a few mouths ago, I would have thought you were ironic.
So the girl was 17 years old, and she suffered from anorexia. I didn't know if this story really were real, but something made me want to hear the rest.
Isn't it insane, that small word like "Fat cow can affect a person that much. I think its insane how people cant see how much you do to the person when you tell them they are fat.
I know it's just a word, but like you say, a word hurts more than actions. And that's totally right, when you hit a person, what does it take? 4 days for a black eye to stop hurting? But when you call people a word witch make them try to nearly starve them self to dead, then it actually takes more than a few days to get over, some of the people in fact dies, just because people make them think they aren't beautiful enough.
She was so right, many of our fans were doing the exact same thing to them self, and I couldn't understand it, I made me sad.
Words affects more than you think, and I hope that when I'm dead, and people hear this, they would start thinking about the fact that I committed suicide because of a word.
For a few moths ago, when I was walking to school, with my music playing load in my ears. Then suddenly my headphones were ripped out of my ears, and when I turned around I was meet with a very mad Jessica, she was looking at my top, and before I knew it was ripped in two.
And you know why? Because I was wearing the same top as her, and she didn't mean that a fat cow like me could wear a pretty top like that, it was only beautiful people like herself that were aloud to wear that.
So she just blotted my bra to the entire school, just because I wasn't as pretty as her.
What the hell was wrong with people. I was well aware that I didn't know the girl, but the story she just told made me so angry, I wish I could have helped her.
So that why I decided that I would do anything to try and lose weight. And I did, my body was finally looking totally perfect, but even though I said to myself that I were looking just the way I wanted, I still tried to loose more. It was like a curse, I couldn't stop. Every time I eat something with too many calories, then after two minutes I would hang over the toilet and get it all out of my system again.
I know that it's dangerous, but I just can't stop. And you know why? Because of the words. They are still in the back of my head telling me that I am not good enough.
Its that really how you want to live, if you asked my, NO!
And that why I decide to kill my self, I dint want to think about calories everyday, but I CANT stop...
I am actually not afraid to die, I'm curios. You know, what happen after the death. Will the death bring me to heaven or the hell? Maybe im standing right behind you right now as a ghost. I know I told you earlier that im not, but who knows?
I looked around the room, creepy, if she was standing in the room right now looking at me..
It was actually pretty exciting, what would happen after the death. Don't get me wrong, I could wait.
By the way happy Christmas, and welcome to the times of miracles, isn't that what people say? That Christmas is the time of miracles?
Isn't it ironic, that I'm committing suicide on Christmas Eve, what a miracle?
Her laugh filled the room, and got the shivers down my spine.
Don't get me wrong I love Christmas, Actually I made a advent wreath, and is actually turned out pretty well... ish.
Isn't it funny that I spend one of my last days, making a advent wreath?
Okay this tape turned out being pretty long, so I think I will end it.
Okay so the first reason why I decide to take the chance and see if there is a better place after the death is the thoughts of not being good enough.
Hi so this is chapter two! :)
i know its a bit short, but i promise the next one is going to be longer!