I usually can't go to sleep without crying first. Sometimes I force it out of me because I know I need it, but most nights it just comes out from within.
Lately, I'll be lucky if I can get at least 3 hours of sleep. I have thoroughly convinced myself that their is something wrong. I mean I haven't felt good in a long long time but I think this time is different. So I took it upon myself and texted my mom so she could make me an appointment for counseling.
I'd like to say I've been about 4 months "clean" from counseling now but some things are meant to be broken. I was doing well for a while there but now it's beginning to become too much.
And the worst part is...I feel like I have no one.
Whatever is consuming my mind is something that I know I need to tell someone about but I just can't bring myself to it. Not that I ever have before but the urgency this time is almost alarming. It scares me at how much this heavy and dark feeling has consumed my every day thoughts. I think about it so much that I've become obsessed with it.
I feel like I am in a constant suffocating cycle where I meet no end. I don't know when it will stop but I want it to so badly.
I am not an open book when it comes to my feelings. Even my closest friends know this. I can sit here and say that I have never, in my life, been 100% open about my feelings to anyone.
The problem is, I never felt that connection with anyone where I was comfortable enough to let my guards down.
I've tried though. Trust me, I have. But every time I would get close enough, I just felt like they didn't care. And that could just be my own fears talking it's way into my logic but it has overpowered that logic to an extent where I actually believe it.
And I know many of you feel the same way but here are some tips when someone in need comes to you:
1) Don't Invalidate the Situation: What I mean by that is when someone comes to you seeking for advice or just someone to vent to, don't turn the situation around on yourself or others. For example say something like :"I'm really sorry that has to happen to you" or "Things may seem tough now but I believe in you" More often than not we find ourselves invalidating the situation by saying things like "You think you have it bad? Try being me!" or "Everyone has bad days. You'll get over it."
2) Be Open Minded: Just because you don't agree that the situation they're in is severe enough to be completely upset about, don't make them feel stupid for feeling a certain way. Be open minded. Maybe take in account of their environment or who they associate themselves with. Everyone's situation is different.
3) Don't Make Them Feel Bad: This is basically a mixture of 1 and 2. Comfort them in times of need but don't feed them hopeless bullshit that you don't even believe in. Give them some logic and insight to go along with that comfort. Again, just because you don't agree with their case, doesn't make them wrong for being upset or angry. Everyone is different.
I try and abide by these self written rules which usually has me put others before myself. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing...to an extent. And I've let it reach that extent. I use to let people run me over all the time cause I was never strong enough to just tell them no. I never tell people what or how I'm feeling because I don't want to hurt their feelings.
But in the end, it's mine that get hurt the most.
Today's thoughts have lead to some terrifying realizations and I am only hoping I'll make it through them.