4. a shell of my former self
there's a song i listen to on repeat sometimes, and it's called my immortal ((by evanescence)). if you haven't heard it, i recommend you check it out. i sit on my bedroom floor, with my phone in my hands and read through the convos i have with my best friend ((who i am in love with)). i cry softly while listening to the song and i close my phone. i start to remember all the times i have been told to kill myself and all the times i have been told i am a sick human being. i then grab my blade and hold it in my hands, waiting to see if i have the guts to end my life. i don't. halfway through the song, i stand up and lie on my bed, replaying the day through my head and wondering why i bother getting out of bed sometimes. because by the end of the day i am more depressed then i was when i woke up. the people around me laugh and smile and expect me to be happy. but how can i be happy when there are people wishing i'd die and when my family has given me no support whatsoever? how can i be happy when everything around me is falling apart? everytime i try and fix my mind, it just falls back apart. about now, the song ends and i am staring into space, wondering where everything went wrong. i remember being happy, and i remember what it's like to be not sad and depressed all the time. and i start to miss who i used to be. i miss everything about who i was. it's hard to go back in time to that part of me, it's damn near impossible because it feels as though no one wants to listen to my screams. i feel like everyone would be better off if i were dead.