Let me Out

This is the story of my current life. This is my journey to becoming me. These are my struggles in being transgender, and my struggles of being me.

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4. a shell of my former self

there's a song i listen to on repeat sometimes, and it's called my immortal ((by evanescence)). if you haven't heard it, i recommend you check it out. i sit on my bedroom floor, with my phone in my hands and read through the convos i have with my best friend ((who i am in love with)). i cry softly while listening to the song and i close my phone. i start to remember all the times i have been told to kill myself and all the times i have been told i am a sick human being. i then grab my blade and hold it in my hands, waiting to see if i have the guts to end my life. i don't. halfway through the song, i stand up and lie on my bed, replaying the day through my head and wondering why i bother getting out of bed sometimes. because by the end of the day i am more depressed then i was when i woke up. the people around me laugh and smile and expect me to be happy. but how can i be happy when there are people wishing i'd die and when my family has given me no support whatsoever? how can i be happy when everything around me is falling apart? everytime i try and fix my mind, it just falls back apart. about now, the song ends and i am staring into space, wondering where everything went wrong. i remember being happy, and i remember what it's like to be not sad and depressed all the time. and i start to miss who i used to be. i miss everything about who i was. it's hard to go back in time to that part of me, it's damn near impossible because it feels as though no one wants to listen to my screams. i feel like everyone would be better off if i were dead.

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