It's been almost a year since the day Edward told me goodbye, the day he told me he didn't love me anymore, the day he broke my heart. The dreams aren't as frequent and the crying has stopped for the most part, and I've stopped hoping that someday he would come back to me. Things are still the same at school; I still get the dirty stares and the whispering when I walk down the hallways or enter a classroom.
I don't hang out with the same group anymore, I sit alone at lunch and I do my best to not blend in. Things have changed around my house and with Charlie as well, he has stopped checking on me at night I think he has even given up hope that I will ever return to the person I once was, the person I was when I was happy.
I walked down stairs to find that my dad had not yet left for work, which surprised me because lately he was gone before I woke up in the morning. He probably couldn't handle my sarcastic moodiness first thing in the morning. So I didn't take it personal when he barely even glanced up at me from behind the morning paper. So I was shocked when he spoke, "How are you doing this morning Bella?"
I stopped with my hand mid reach for the refrigerator door, "Whoa it speaks! Who would have thought it was possible." I pulled the door open to hide my smirk behind it, I couldn't see Charlie's face but I bet I knew the look he was giving me right about now.
"And now I see that was a bad idea, sorry to care." He went back to sulking behind his paper.
"Well at least someone is kind enough to care." I muttered under my breath, I banged the door closed and swung around to face him "And to answer your question, I'm doing just greeeeat!"
He hesitated a short second and checked his watch, "Alright well I guess I'll see you later then." He walked over to the front door and grabbed his Sheriff's jacket and gun holster off the coat rack.
"Yeah, see ya." Before he walked out the door he turned to look at me as if he wanted to say something else but thought better of it, I gave him a smile for the fun of it. He pulled his coat on tight around him and walked out the door.
As soon as I heard the engine fire up I rolled my eyes and heavily sighed. The phone rang and made me jump; I stood up and walked over to grab the phone off the receiver.
"Hello" silence, "Hello, whose there?" there was faint breathing from the other end, "Ok seriously, I know my voice is just so nice to listen to, and you can probably listen to it all day long, but as you can see I have a life. So who is this?" I spat with as much sarcasm I could put in my voice. After all of that a whisper came from the other end.
That whisper took the breath out of me; it couldn't be him, could it? No I had to imagine it. That's crazy, of course it wasn't him, and anyway he left me.
I realized I was still standing in the kitchen with the phone pressed against my ear. I slowly lowered my arm and returned the phone on the receiver. I shook my head to rid the thought; I realized I was going to be late for school if I didn't leave now.
I arrived at school which just enough time to get to class. I was the last person to enter the classroom-of course- and all eyes focused on me, I had to do a double take at the desk in the back of the room.
I could have sworn Alice was sitting there starring at me with a sigh of relief on her face, but when I looked again there was no one there. I finally unglued my feet and shuffled to my seat, there was still a few curious eyes on me. I lowered my head, closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing so I wouldn't hyperventilate.
What was going on with me today? First the phone call, now this! I had finally started to not let myself think about Edward as much, but I hadn't forgotten about him completely, I had just pushed him deep in the corners of my mind.
The teacher finally called the class to order, I wasn't paying attention and I hadn't noticed that he called on me "Isabella?" asking impatiently.
I shook my head and looked up confused, "I'm sorry, what?"
Eventually the bell for lunch rang, kids hurried to the cafeteria to see who can get to the front of the line the fastest, I slowly made my way to the line and when I finally got to the front I just grabbed a water and walked to the same empty table to sit by myself.
I looked up to find that the table I used to sit at was staring at me, and the only two people whispering and snickering were Jessica and Lauren. Angela was also staring at me but her look was one of sadness and concern. I gave her a half smile, and then turned to position myself towards the window. I had a feeling someone was watching me, besides Jessica, Lauren and Angela, but I knew I would never be able to see who it was through the rain.
I let out a sigh as a single tear escaped sliding down my cheek. I had continued to think back about the phone call from this morning, would he really have tried calling me like that, wouldn't he know how much it would hurt me? Was he having second thoughts about leaving now? And what about Alice, was she keeping tabs on me? If she was she would have to have seen how bad it got after they just picked up and left, is that why she was back? I could have sat here and thought of a million reasons as to why, but thankfully the bell rang and it jerked me back to reality.
Finally the last bell to go home rang, everyone was excited to get their weekend started, and I'm sure mike's party had something to do with it also. I had eventually made it home, and it had just started to rain "perfect" I muttered under my breath. I threw open my door and practically ran to open the front door.
I laid my bag by the foot of the stairs, and made my way over to the kitchen. I started pulling things out of the fridge to make Charlie's dinner, when I noticed the red light on the phone was blinking, I froze not breathing, "it can't be" I shook my head and started to laugh, I must really be going crazy
"Bella get a hold of yourself, he left you, and he is not coming back." I straightened up and went to stand over by the phone, I stood facing the wall, and I reached out to click the button with a shaky hand.
"You have three unheard messages, first unheard message"
"Hey Bella, its Jacob. Listen I'm really sorry about the last time we hung out, I don't like the way we left things. Anyways please call me back when you get this, bye." Rolling my eyes I listened to the next message.
"Your next unheard message"
"Hey Bells, its dad, don't bother making dinner tonight, Billy asked us over for the game" I looked over to the counter where I had placed the food.
"Your next unheard message"
"… (Breathing)…" I stood motionless trying to catch my breath.
"End of your unheard messages"
The room started to shake around me; I gripped the edge of the counter I was by so I wouldn't fall when I realized it was me that was trembling. Just like earlier today I started to look around me. I looked out the window knowing I wouldn't be able to see anything, but I had that feeling again like I was being watched.
I went to put to food back in the fridge so it wouldn't spoil, and walked back over by the stairs to get my bag; I rushed up to my room, put my bag down by my desk and went to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, I looked like hell, my eyes had dark circles under them and my hair was damp and knotty from the rain. So I yanked my hair brush through it fast, it didn't help much but it made some improvement, I then turned on the water and splashed some cold water on my face, and wiped it with my washcloth.
I reached under the sink and pulled out my little tin box from the back, and placed it on the counter. My heart started beating faster and my hands shook lightly knowing what was hidden in the box. I slowly opened up the lid, pulling out the small silver razor blade, I just stood there starring at it, knowing what I was about to do. In some strange perverse way, my body craved it, willing my hand to drag the blade along my flesh. In a way it was like a rush, this secret I had that nobody else knew about but me. It took the pain away, even if it jus lasted briefly.
I slowly picked up the blade, twisting it in my pale trembling fingers. I pulled back my sleeve up to my elbow, bringing the cold silver blade down to the back of my forearm, putting pressure and I drag it effortlessly across, careful not to go to deep. A small gasp escapes my parted lips, before a stream of red dances down my pale skin and lingers for a moment before rolling off my middle finger. I quickly grab the washcloth from the tin box and put it over the cut, slide down the wall with my knees up by my chin, lay my head back and let out a sob I've been holding back all the while slowly fading in an out of consciousness