"Let's just leave." I said aloud not really thinking about it.
"And go where exactly?" Jacob asked quizzically, but also not saying no to the idea. He moved to wrap me up in his arms so I was lying on his chest, my face hidden.
I thought for a while not really sure what to say. I just kind of blurted something out. "How about California?"
"California?" he shifted, "why California?"
"Well for one, I've never been and I'm curious to check and see what all the fuss is about. And second, they have the happiest place on earth there! How could you NOT want to go?" He stayed quiet for a minute that I didn't think he was going to say anything at all. I don't know what came over me, but at that moment I just felt like leaving would be the right thing to do.
Finally he spoke, and I was not surprised at the response he gave me, "Bells, we can't just up and leave. What about school? What about Charlie? I really don't think he would just let you up and leave." He pulled me up off his chest so that I was forced to look at him. "Don't get me wrong, going away with you sounds amazing, and you know I would go anywhere with you if I could."
"Don't worry about school, besides I can take my work with me and turn it in to my teachers when we get back." I started to get frustrated, "Plus summer break is coming up, so I shouldn't see why it would be that big of a deal."
"Is there a reason why you want to leave so badly? If you want to leave we can always head out to Port Angeles."
"No, no reason." I lied. Maybe if I got out of Forks for a while I could start picking up the pieces get him off of my mind and finally move forward with Jake.
"Bells, I know you better than that. Is this about Edward?"
"Why would you bring him up? I just wanted us to do something fun and new. Get out and see the sights while we're still young. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? I flung myself out of my bed and paced towards my window.
"Um I guess. I never really gave it much thought. But you have to let him go already, especially if you want this to work between us. Whatever that is." His voice had a weird tone to it, like a mix between hurt and anger. I didn't blame him.
"What's that supposed to mean? You don't think I have tried to let him go?" I turned, now staring him directly in the eyes, I'm sure my face was bright red. "He broke my heart, do you know what that's like? To have someone you thought loved you, would just up and walk away. You don't just get over something like that."
His hands were balled into fists, so tight his tanned knuckles turning white. "I'm sorry Bells. I'm sorry he hurt you the way he did. But you have to start living again, you can't let him keep controlling your life." He came to stand in front of me, bent down and kissed my forehead. "Listen let me think about it ok?"
I was still angry with Jacob, but his kiss seemed to dissolve most of it. I knew he was coming from a good place. "Ok."
"I've got to go, I'm sure my dad is wondering where I ran off to." He looked down at his phone to check for messages. "Plus I don't think your dad would appreciate me staying the night."
It had been about 6 hours since Jake left and to my surprise my dad hadn't noticed he stayed the night. I had to get my mind off the earlier conversation that took place, Why wasn't able to move on? Was I a glutton for punishment, or maybe it's because I still had feelings for him? Just because he was able to fall out of love with me in a day, didn't mean I was capable of the same.
I cleaned the whole house, which occupied me for about an hour or so. I ran upstairs to my bathroom. I knelt down to look under my sink, staring me in the face was the tiny, shiny silver tin box. It had been a few weeks since I had had the urge to cut. But my anxiety had started to rise lately, now that I was thinking about him more often.
My hands trembled slightly, as I reached for the container. My eyes blinded by the tears that started to spill over. I reached in to turn on the shower so as to not make Charlie suspicious. I felt like I couldn't catch a good deep breath. I cautiously picked up the blade, and brought it to the inside of my thigh, pushing down but not quite bringing it across my skin yet.
My heart started racing, I knew what was next to come and my body was calling out for it. One quick swipe and it would take away all my pent up hurt if just for a moment. I started slowly pulling the blade across leaving behind a trail of crimson liquid. I sucked in the hiss that had wanted to escape, leaning my head back against the wall, my eyes rolling in the back of my skull.
I wanted to slip away to a place where I could remember what be happy felt like. Happy people didn't cut themselves to get a rush. I pressed the rag against my thigh and more tears spilled out, I couldn't control them, just like I couldn't seem to control my life.