1. Fall 2013
I had been laying in my bed for at least thirty minutes already. It felt nearly impossible to get out of bed lately. No one ever warned me about the crippling depression that I would soon face, but here I was laying in my bed staring at the wall wondering what has happened to my life. A couple months ago I could have appreciated a day like today. It was a sunny, yet brisk day in North Carolina, but I preferred the stuffiness of my dorm. I didn’t have the energy to do anything, and it took everything out of me to get out of bed. Even a simple task that most enjoy to do, eating for instance, seemed to be daunting.
I could easily blame my not liking to leave my dorm on the people who talk about me. It seemed everywhere I went I heard whispering and saw people pointing at me. It wasn’t hard to figure out what they were talking about. I couldn’t understand how people in college could resort to gossiping like they were in high school, but I had witnessed it in my classes or while I was working. Could I blame them? It was a bad, public breakup with a guy is a multimillionaire and is extremely popular at the moment. Had it been some random guy in my class I know I wouldn't be the topic of gossip. I have tried tuning out the whispering, but it began to sound like I was in a snake pit with thousands of hissing snakes. All of them agreed on one thing. I was stupid enough to think that I for one second deserved to be loved by Liam Payne… looking back on it now I know that I didn’t.
With the beginning of the semester, it has become one of the hardest semester that I have had in college. I could barely muster up the energy to go to school part time. Forget about trying to impress anyone. My new favorite hair style was a tie between a top bun or a quick over the shoulder braid. I hadn’t done my makeup since I came back from England. In short I have given up. That wasn’t like the “old” me, but I was no longer the “old” Rian anymore. I was the shell of who she used to be; this was a completely different person. This new Rian was completely foreign and I even didn’t like myself. Actually I hated myself. I just wish I knew how to get back to the “old” Rian.
I was facing the wall of my dorm, counting the amount of bricks on the wall... again. When Melissa wasn't around I would close the blinds and turn off the light and stare blankly at the wall recounting every horrendous moment of the past months. It began with my tire being slashed by one of my “best friends”. Then it was my other “best friend” betraying me. After that things began to get worse and worse. Both Liam and I were kidnapped and tortured to the point that the doctors where surprised that we were alive. Then you had Zayn yelling at me to leave Liam the fuck alone, because I will forever be known as the person that caused all this shit to happen. Zayn also threatened suing me, and yes that still hurts. The cherry on top of this sundae of my nightmares was Liam breaking up with me through a voicemail, and yes I did think of Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas in that moment.
I would have never guessed Liam to be that spineless, but with that eighteen second breakup voicemail I saw him clearly. I don’t know if that’s what hurts the most. I know it was idiotic, but I looked up to Liam. I saw him as noble, mature, and caring. That wasn’t the guy who left me that voicemail. Liam wasn’t the prince charming that I thought he was, and it killed me. When you love someone so much for how you think they are it breaks your heart when they aren’t really like that. Don't get me wrong. I still think Liam is great. He's talented, but he also broke my heart. I hated that I still loved him, but how does one stop loving someone that they have loved for so long. For the longest time One Direction was the thing that brought my happiness, but now it only brought my sorrow. I couldn't even look at pictures of them without wanting to break down. I had to purge them from my life as much as possible, but there was something other than my memories that stopped that from happening. I was pregnant with Liam's child.