Coming Home - Diddy
By the time I had reached Wolverhampton it was almost three in the morning. The two hour drive had given me ample time to calm down. I had tried listening to music to get me calm, but it seemed that in every song I would find something that reminded me of Rian. Then a song that I hadn’t heard in a long time began to play on my radio, Coming Home by Diddy, it was quite funny how it fit my mood. It was the first time in a while that I let myself relax. I was still mad, but I wasn't quite as livid as I had been when I left London. I couldn’t help but to smile at the line that sang about being back where you belong. I was back where I belonged. Being around the corner from my childhood house made me begin to feel even calmer. Everything seemed so peaceful. All the memories were flooding my mind as I pulled into my parent’s driveway; I got out of my car and the only noise I could hear was the chirping of crickets. I took in a deep breath as the familiar smell of wet grass filled my nostrils. That was one smell I missed specifically since I had left for the X Factor when I was sixteen-years-old.
Walking up to my childhood house made me feel even more homesick than I had ever felt. Although this place wasn't as large as my flat in London, it was still home and it was the place that I always wanted to go back to. I lifted one of the potted plants that my mum had in the garden and underneath it was the key to the front door. I smiled at the idea that my mum hasn't changed her hiding spot since I was a child. I tried to open the door as quietly as possible, but as I stepped in the door I heard my parents stirring around upstairs. Brit came running downstairs and started whimpering as she jumped on me. I scratched her ears gently as she licked my cheek. I missed having a dog. It was impossible to be mad when I was petting her. Brit and I waited in the living room for my parents. I knew that they would eventually come down stairs to see who is in their house. My dad was the first to come down the stairs. He had a golf club in hand, but as soon as I got a glance at his pajamas and his messy hair I began to laugh.
"Hey dad" I said, as I tried to suppress my laughter.
"Liam? What are you doing here so early in the morning, son" my dad asked as he turned on the lights.
"Well I got really mad and I wanted to come home" I admitted, as I looked my dad in the eyes.
"Geoff who's there" my mum asked as she made her way downstairs.
"It's Liam, love. He wanted to come home" my dad smiled. I could hear the sheer happiness in his voice as he said that I wanted to come home. I knew how much me being away from my parents affected me, but I never knew how it affected my parents.
"Oh Liam that makes my heart swell with happiness" my mum cheered, as she gave me a tight embrace.
It was nice to be at home with my parents, and part of me felt that it was just like the times before the X Factor. My parents and I moved our conversation from the living room to the kitchen. My mum was insistent on making me a cup of tea. That was like my mum; she whole heartedly believed that a cup of tea could fix any problem. A cup of tea did sound lovely, but then again so did getting some sleep. Also I doubted that a cup of tea could make this situation any better; I really don’t know can fix this, but it certainly wasn’t tea. But I wanted to see my mum happy so I didn’t argue that she makes some tea. And when gave me the cup of tea I instantly thanked her and took a sip of it. It had been so long since I had some tea that it also calmed me down.
"Liam, what made you so mad today" my dad asked.
I looked down at my cup of tea then at both my parents. "Well we were calling radio stations today to promote our new album; the last radio station of the day was in Raleigh. That is where Rian goes to school and lives, and it was that radio station that asked about Better than Words. Louis purposely made me answer their questions and after the call we go in to a spat about Rian" I told my parents.
"What did Louis say" my dad asked.
"That he is disappointed that I cut Rian from my life, because she doesn't have a family or friends. It just infuriates me because none of the lads understand… well Zayn does but that is beside the point" I sighed, just thinking about that conversation was getting me upset again.
"Liam, I don't know what to tell you" my mum sighed.
I looked at her and then down at the table. I knew what I was going to say was going to hurt, but I needed to say it. "Please tell me that I am not a disappointment. Please tell me that you still love me" I pleaded, as I choked on my tears.
My throat felt like it was on fire. I never wanted to be a disappointment. Louis words were making me feel like I did when I was bullied. I felt so small and insignificant. I wanted so badly to break down, but I needed to remain whole because that's what my fans expect of me. I was expected to have a smile on my face and act as if nothing had ever happened. The label wanted me to be my usual happy-self, and it was killing me on the inside. There is nothing worse than faking a smile. It eats at one’s soul far worse than being depressed does; it is that way because pretending that I am happy reminds me of how I used to be happy, and now that person seems so distant and foreign. Ever since I was released from the hospital I have developed a bad habit. I would go home and drink till I could no longer feel the pain that was suffocating my heart. I wanted so badly to always be numb, because that seems easier than facing my feelings. I have never told anyone, but a massive part of me wishes that the man who tortured me would have killed me when he got the chance.
"Love, you will never been a disappointment and we will always love you. Nothing will ever change that. Right Geoff" my mum asked my dad.
"You make us so proud and we love you more than you will ever know" my dad promised.
“Thank you. I love you guys so much” I said as I wiped away a tear.
“What you need is some sleep. Love go upstairs and get some sleep. We will be here when you wake up, but some sleep would do you well” my mum insisted.
“Some sleep sounds lovely. Goodnight you guys” I yawned.
“Goodnight Liam” my parents said in unison.
As I walked up stairs and opened the door to my old room I felt slightly better. I felt like I could relax knowing that my parents don’t think I am a failure. But there was a part of me that was still angry and upset. Who knows how I will feel in the morning; what I do know that I love sleeping because for those eight hours my mind and most importantly my emotions were turned off. I looked throw my clothes trying to find something to wear. I decided on wearing an old shirt of mine and sleeping in my underwear. Getting into my bed and under the covers made me smile. I was almost one hundred percent sure that I would have a great night’s sleep. I closed my eyes and it seemed that I instantly went to sleep.
I was woken by a small hand pushing my shoulder. “Daddy wake up. Come on” the little voice pleaded.
“Five more minutes” I yawned.
Then it hit me; this small child called me dad. I knew that I was most certainly not a father. I rose from the bed and looked at the little girl who was staring back at me. The little girl looked no older than four-years-old. She had the biggest brown eyes that I had ever seen. She had a little button nose. That smile on her face was without a doubt my smile. Her hair was so much darker than mine though, but it was just as curly as my natural hair. I looked at her eyes once more and recognized just whose eyes those were. Rian. She pushed me once again as she began to laugh. Her laughter sounded so much like Rian’s that it made me smile with the child.
“Come on dad. Mummy made us breakfast” she pleaded.
“Okay I will be right up” I promised.
“You better be or else I am getting mummy to get you” she warned as she ran out of the room.
As soon as I got up I looked around the room. It was definitely not a room that I had ever been in. There was a canopy that bed had white, wispy curtains that were tied to each of the four post. The covers where a navy colour, and all the furniture in the room was black. The walls were a soft grey colour. While this room was not familiar to me, it was extremely comfortable. There were pictures of my supposed daughter on the wall and above the bed was canvas painting that had a quote about love. I found some clothes that had been left out for me on the edge of the bed. It was a black and grey plaid shirt, white Henley shirt, a pair of dark trousers, and there were some black trainers on the floor beside the bed. I quickly put the clothes on and headed down stairs. I could easily tell that this house was on that was meant for a family. I am going to assume it was for my family. That familiar girl found me at the bottom of the steps.
“Daddy” she cheered.
“Hello” I smiled.
She grabbed my hand and led me towards the kitchen. “Uncle Harry, Uncle Niall, and Uncle Louis are here daddy. They were telling me about how you used to be in a band. I want to see your movie daddy” she begged.
“Of course you can seem them” I promised.
“Did you hear that mummy? Daddy said I can watch the movie” She yelled as we enter the kitchen.
“I did her that, love” a familiar voiced answered.
At first I noticed the three lads sitting at the table. They all looked the same; perhaps they looked a tad bit older, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary with them. Then I looked at the girl who was washing up a dish that was in the sink. I could only see the back of her, but I easily recognized that long, wavy, dark-brown hair. Her hips looked wider that I imagined, and it only extenuated her hourglass figure. She turned around and those familiar golden-brown eyes found mine, and just like all those times before I felt that familiar electricity shoot through my entire body. She had a soft smile on her face. God she was beautiful.
“Good morning, Liam” Rian said softly. She moved closer to me.
Instinctively, I pulled her into my arms. “Good morning, love” I said as I gazed into those eyes.
“Ew mummy, daddy that’s gross” our daughter complained.
Rian looked down and smiled at her, “Love, this is how adults act when they love each other. One day you will find a boy who look at you the same way daddy looks at mommy.”
“I am never going to have a boyfriend” She proclaimed as she scrunched up her little nose.
“That’s my girl” I laughed.
The little girl went over to Harry and Louis and began to ask them more questions about One Direction. I assumed by the way they were talking about One Direction that we had taken quite some time off. That sounded like a dream come true. My attention went back to Rian who was also looking at the little girl.
“I can’t believe we made something as precious as her” Rian whispered.
“She has your eyes” I said, still looking at Rian.
“She has your smile” Rian said, looking back at me.
I found Rian’s hand and gently held it in mine. It felt so right to be there with her. This was our house, our family, and our future. I felt a cold piece of metal on her ring finger, and part of me sighed with relief. I was relieved that in the end Rian was mine… forever. I pulled her into me and held her tightly as we stared at our daughter. She was surrounded by my mates. My brothers that had taken on the role of this little girl’s family. I gave Rian the one thing she wanted so badly. I gave her a family.
There was a sudden, loud crash that woke me from my dream. I looked around and saw that it was almost eleven o’clock. Wow I really slept in. That dream was so weird. Since breaking up with Rian I hadn’t dreamt of her. I found it confusing that the first dream I had of her was of us having a child. I knew that it was nearly impossible for her and I to have a child right now, but was it a sign that I am supposed to be with her? Is it my subconscious telling me that I still love Rian? I thought about it for a while, and with the more I thought about it the more confused I got. I knew who I need to talk to about this so I put on some clothes and headed down stairs looking for my mum.