It was January 3rd 2006. I was 12. Only 12 when she died.
Maya was only 17.
Although she was a real party animal, she had depression, severe depression, and was addicted to nicotine. Her room reeked of it. Fumes wafted through the house like a butterfly, beautiful but deadly in its own way.
But gradually her lungs drew weak and so did she. By the age of 14 she was diagnosed with lung cancer which, when she reached 15, brought on the depression.
I held her hand for 4 weeks. I sat by her side for 4 weeks. Those 4 weeks she was in a coma and had to result to wearing a gas tank everyday.
Then the depression got worse,
She would sit in her room for hours at a time, and when the door unlocked I would find her lying in a pool of her own blood, the deep crimson liquid leaking out of the slices on her wrists.
Every time she broke so did my heart.
Every time she would cry so would I.
It was like a part of me was missing, torn from my body and soul.
Then one day I came home from school late. Mum wasn't home. Maya wasn't either. At least that's what I thought. I dragged my twelve year old self up the stairs and down the hall. An eerie scilence was running through the house. Some thing wasn't right. Not right at all. A slight glint caught the corner of my eye. On the floor was a pill in a puddle of water. The grey walls surrounding me seemed to close in on me; I felt very claustrophobic. Each step I took towards her door made my heart pound louder and louder. The water seeped into my shoes as I reached and grabbed a piece of paper taped to the door.
I just can't do it. I can't live with my body any more. Life just takes my breath away, and not in the good way. Please don't ever forget me, but don't waste your life sulking for me. Or mum. She never really cared. But always remember that I love you.
Your amazing at guitar Suzy, you really are. One day your gonna be up on that stage in front of thousand, maybe even millions, of crazy (a good crazy) fans who love and adore you. People will compare you to all the greats; John Lennon, Dave Grohl, even Ed Sheeran! You have an amazing talent and a bright future ahead of you. So when the opportunity comes I want you to grab it and take it and never ever let go. Don't make the same mistakes that I did. Be kind, be amazing, maybe modest and a little sarcastic, but always be you. Never trade you life for the world.
You were all I ever needed to get through, but my mind can't cope. Please don't blame yourself for what you could find behind this door,
I love you, always,
I dropped the letter to the floor. It floated down gently like a feather, but crumpled as it absorbed the water on the dark wooden floor.
Should I open the door?
Something seemed to take over my body as I pushed the cold wood with my numb fingers. Numb with fear, not the cold. A loud squeak vibrated through the house, but all I could hear was my own footsteps as I crept into the bathroom connected to her room. More water and pills lay on her bedroom floor; the place was a mess. The bathroom door stood ajar. My mind told me to go inside, my heart told me to stand still. Like someone was pushing me, my feet dragged me to the white tiles.
Dread was all I could feel.
I grasped the brass door handle but fell to my knees when I saw inside.
For some reason tears wouldn't come, but i put my hand over my mouth anyways.
Her gas tank lay on the floor by the bathtub as I reached out for her body.
She was cold. Just cold.
The bath was filled with water and pills bobbed at the surface.
It all spilled out as I pulled her body out and into my arms.
I sank to the floor, pulling her into my lap, unsure of what to do.
I stared into her eyes.
She didn't blink.
Her eyes did not meet mine.
They never would again.
It suddenly hit me.
She was gone.
Overwhelming sadness washed over me and I screamed her name, tears streaming down my face.
I sobbed and sobbed.
I didn't think I would ever stop.
I held onto her. I would never let go.
As I swept some wet hair out of her lifeless face I knew my life would never be the same again.