Playing with glass

Dear diary, this is me (Possible trigger warning)

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17. where it went wrong

monday 19th october 2015, 11:17pm:

 

at what point does an eager-misread-pushy act become rape? what counts as rape?does this count? because i have a story to tel... 

according to google rape is any sexual act without consent so does or would fingering someone count, or a blowjob because this intrigued me after the 'incident'.

Adam still likes or liked me at this time everybody knew that, i knew that. it was obvious. After our break up we remained friends, everytime i go over though, he tries to make a move on me and i hated it, but i cant stop him and he never does even when i begin to physically push him away. 

But, everytime i still go to his house, because i'm just hoping it wont be the same as the last time, i'm always wrong, i got worse. 

It started the same way i normally does but suddenly i found him pushing me round, grabbing my face forcing m to kiss him. I was drastically trying to stop him but he just wouldn't. I still cant bring myself to say it even now writing this, what he did to me was unforgivable an something i can forget. Pushing me down on that bed with me literally begging for him stop, he didn't. After about an hour he did stop, but i had already been scarred for life. 

I told him at had to leave to get my bus now, but the bus wasn't for another hour. I just couldn't stand to be there anymore, walking to that bus stop i tried so hard not to cry, but when i got home it could not be stopped. 

This counts right, this, it was rape? Is it?? 

Raped at 14 by an ex boyfriend, he scares me, i'm scared... i'm broken and hurt. Now im even more disgusted in myself.

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