Playing with glass

Dear diary, this is me

(Possible trigger warning)


21. terrible

Thursday 19th November 2015, 8:34pm:


Why must i be such a terrible, awkward person, its literally a nightmare everyday in my life. I ruin everything good that comes to me and then i wonder why the good is gone...Its gone because i'm an idiot. And i deserve no good to come to me. 

sometimes i do feel like i miss Adam but i'm not sure if i miss him or the memories or simply the feelings of this relationship he brought me. How happy i was and how safe i felt and when i felt alone, hated or unloved i knew that i had someone who does love me like no other. A person to always talk to, i wish i still had those things. But now they're all gone and wont be coming back. Now when i feel alone, hated and unloved there is no one. i always feel alone, no one to turn to now or to tell stuff. Its like everything is empty and there's a part of me missing.

But at least now i don't have him constantly insulting me but that makes no difference, because i still feel the insults from long ago and i still believe them. Now more than ever. 

I'm so pained emotionally it causes me to feel numb and dead inside, i sit in the shower with water scolding hot, burning my bare skin but the numbing feeling takes over its so strong. It turns that burning sensation to fade into nothing, but i know its there. Knees huddled to my chest i crave to feel pain again to release me, my hair coated with water appearing black and soulless, i watch the water drops run across my legs and my vision blurs and beings to blur, darken and almost blacken. but vicious knocks at the door sends feeling shooting throughout my body and pulls me out of a day dream and my state. Taking me away from my almost never ending sleep.

i'm literally a mess

i feel deadly alone like no one cares and i don't know how to deal with it. What are you meant to do when you're falling apart.

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