Bad Intentions

"Does it bug you?"

"Does what bug me"

"Does it bug you that I know you better than you know you?"

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Peyton Andrews has parents that want her to be perfect. Has siblings that want her to be cool and friends that want her to be fun. But when she meets Asher she falls for him because he wants to her to be herself

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37. /3:6/

*3 months later*

The door to Priscilla's hospital room flew open. Asher had left orientation early to make a flight to come see the baby. Priscilla had left hours before making her own flight to wherever. I was with Quinn and Shawn and Christian rocking the baby in my arms. Asher stood in front of me and smiled.

"Did you decide on a name?" He asked whispering.

"Holdyn Lucas Andrews. Holdyn means 'from the hollow in the valley' and Lucas means 'light'." I said handing Asher the baby.

"Holdyn." He smiled. I also named him Holdyn because that was Asher's muddle name. I just looked it up because I didn't want to admit that I didn't have any clue what I was going to name him. Part of me also wanted a piece of Asher after when he left. After all this happened I just realized I was kinda alone. Part of me wanted to cry but I was too happy to cry. I am happy. Everything I going in the right direction. My life is flourishing.

"Are we late?" Sunshine said as she walked in with Angela and Ryan.

"Just a bit." Asher said turning so they could see the baby."

"Oh fuck!" Ryan shouted. Angela backhanded him in the chest softly. Nodding for him to shut up.

"Did you choose all the important titles? Like co-godmother?" Angela said winking at me.

"Yes, you and Sunshine are co-godmothers. Ryan is his godfather.this took me a while to think about but I think since honestly Shawn and Christian are more like my brothers than anything they should be uncles." Christian touched his heart and chuckled.

"Thank you, I'll be the best uncle in the world." Christian said.

"Yeah I know." I smiled.

"What's Asher?" Quinn asked. I sighed and bit my lip. I had also worked Asher into the equation. Given we break up after college then he'd be nothing. But if we stayed together and decided to support for this family then yeah he'd be the dad.

"Whatever he wants. I didn't label everything." I lied.

"Sure you didn't." Asher smiled at me. He knew what was running through my head but didn't say anything in the hope I'd do it on my own. The nurse came in and smiled.

"Hey, the baby needs a bit of rest so I'm going to have to ask everyone except the mother and father to go." The nurse said. Asher handed Holdyn back to me and stood with me while everyone left.

"Okay we just want to take a few tests to insure the baby's health." The nurse said putting her hands out. I instinctively held the baby closer to me. What if she wanted to hurt Holdyn?

"It's okay, most moms cry at first. I won't hurt him. Give me 10 minutes and you'll have him back. I promise." The nurse said her eyes flashing with apology. Even with her reassurance I couldn't bring myself to give her my baby. He was mine now. He belonged to me. I probably looked crazy but I wasn't.

"Could you get Holdyn's doctor? She may feel better if its him." Asher spoke softly stroking my back.

"No problem, I'll go get Dr. Jameson." The nurse said walking away. My eyes followed her until she left the room.

"I couldn't do it. I physically couldn't hand her the baby. Something inside me just kept telling me that she wasn't going to help Holdyn." I said honestly taking a seat on the couch they had there.

"Motherly instinct. It's to protect the baby." He said sitting next to me.

"Ugh, I'm crazy."

"You care. That's something that Priscilla never could've done. She never could've cared about this baby like you do." I nodded and sighed.

"Ms. Andrews?" The doctor called out.

"Doctor Jameson, sorry to pull you out of your office. Holdyn needs a check up." I said.

"Okay, let's get started.

~*~

Asher stayed with me in the hospital for the 5 days Holdyn had to stay. It was scary. Doctors continued to whisper about him. Like Holdyn was hurt. Asher told me it was protocol but by the third day even Asher started to think something was wrong.

"It's okay, Holdyn, I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I said cooing him to sleep. But I felt like I couldn't properly keep that promise because I didn't know what I'd have to protect him from. I didn't know what I was supposed to stop from happening.

"It's going to be okay." Asher said.

"I can't do it." I said shaking my head.

"What?" He asked.

"This is one of the many parenting tests life is going to throw at me. I can't even get through this. If I can't protect Holdyn from everything. Then what am I?"

"You're a parent. You can't shield him from all the hurt in the world. One day he might go through what we went through. Seeing his mother killed, being raped? Those are real things that happen to people. I wish he didn't have to go through life. Because it doesn't matter what life he goes through its going to have some bad shit in it. And you're not doing this alone." He said.

"Asher are you saying that you think we will make it? Make it long enough to be a family?" I asked.

"Don't you?"

"Asher it'll be a blessing if we can make it through this long distance relationship we've created. Asher we are going in two very different directions and-"

"And I'm only moving in the direction that supports you and Holdyn. I love you. I love Holdyn. You guys are mine. You'll be mine today and tomorrow and the next day and the next year and the next century. Yeah, I'm a little shady but you love me too. And this love is what keeps us in sync. Now maybe, maybe we won't make it past this upcoming year but if we break up I'm going to come back at some point. I'm going to come back and love you wholeheartedly. Because that's what we do. We come back stronger. We make each other stronger. And right now it's hard for you. It's hard for you because you love this baby. You love this baby more than you love yourself and you're worried that you can't get through this. But from what I've seen these past few days. You are getting through. You just need to trust in your instincts. Trust that you will make it. Trust that we will get through whatever stupid thing that we need to get through." He said. I sighed heavily and nodded.

"I need to do something to take my mind off of all of this. I need to write." I said walking back to Holdyn's room. I put him in his bin and sighed stroking his face. I sat beside him and pulled out my journal. Words swirled around my head and I was back at the first time I met Asher. His eyes were so fixated on me like he was asking me a question. My mind paused and I couldn't move it. I couldn't forget that moment. That was the turning point of all. This was the turning point of more pain and hurt than I've ever felt in my life. Also more happiness. It's the turning point of my life. I dropped my pen and then the door opened.

"Hey poem girl." Christian said.

"Hey C." I said looking at the paper.

"What's up?" He asked standing in front of me and and crossing his arms.

"I'm writing Holdyn a poem." I said trying to convince myself more than him.

"Baby girl, the page is blank." He said.

"I don't know what to say. I don't know what I could say."

"You've never been at a loss of words before." He teases

"But those words are gone now. Not necessary for the makeshift of another human being."

"What do you want to say?"

"I want to say... I want to say that this life wasn't created to be easy. It was created to find new and creative ways to break him down. To make him hurt. I want to tell him that I want him to say 'I love you' a hundred times before he means it. Before it becomes a true emotion. I want him to know that there is a difference between yesterday and tomorrow and that's today. I want him to know that today was the day he build a tower that was impossible yesterday and won't exist tomorrow. I want him to know that heartbreak is the only way to know if it was real. That if you don't regret it at least a little then it was never real. Remember that time waits for no one. It'll pass you by along with moments you didn't even know you had. I want to tell him that protection is something I can only supply limitedly. I want him to know that the people who pull you up can push you down harder and farther than any stranger. I want him to remember that fear is the difference between drowning and swimming. I want him to know that yesterday was history and tomorrow is a mystery. I want him to learn that tomorrow it gets better. Maybe not this tomorrow or the next but there will be a tomorrow that'd be better and when that day comes you'll know and you can say, today was better. I want him to know that losing is the only way you'll ever know how to win. He needs to know that his mom has felt hurt that was indescribable but still found ways to write it all down. I want him to turn to poetry when he's sad and me when he's mad. He needs to open his hands and try to catch all the disappointment he can but I promise I'll catch the rest. Mistakes are just accidents you know you don't want to repeat. Crying is just another way your body shows it's tired. Tears are just sweat from your brain working too hard to make sure your hearts okay. I want him to know that I love him. I love him inside out. I love him." I said sighing.

"I think," Christian said fixing the pen in my hand," you've found your poem."

~*~

Holdyn was okay. I finally got to take him home and I was happy. I was happy that something in my life was sparking the right way. Asher left for his first day at the end of the week and he was quiet sad to leave. Henry and Gracie finally came around to seeing the baby and couldn't stop talking about him. His hair, his feet, his smile. I was almost tired of the late night singing sessions and the diaper changing. Mothering was so much more than just being there. You supplied so much for one person.

"Shh." I rocked Preston as I watched Holdyn fall asleep. School was starting up soon and I hadn't don't any peeping for the year to come. Rosalinda had offered to watch the babies along with Christian and Cynthia who both only worked at night. Christian an English professor and Cynthia a older sister got teen girls like herself or like she was.

Everyone was getting into a schedule. Dinner was even scheduled now. We actually went out once every two weeks to a restaurant and it was great. My mind was finally focused and with FaceTime calls and texts being passed between Asher and I, hope was being restored.

"He missed his mom." Asher said from my laptop.

"Well she's with her tutor right now attempting to pass the 9th grade." I said rocking the baby.

"That's good. How's Holdyn?" He asked.

"Sleeping finally. I never wanted sleep so much in my entire life." I chuckled shaking my head.

"College is similar. Except the crying is 20 year old frat boys getting fucked by freshmen girls." He chuckled.

"I'm sure it sounds the same." I chuckled putting Preston in his crib.

"Ha, maybe. I need to either move out or get a new roommate. Mine has a tendency to leave strangers in our room." He said sighing. I shut the door to the babies room. I turned on the baby monitor that Shawn had painted out of boredom and walked upstairs with my laptop.

"Aren't you and Aric supposed to be living together next year?" I asked cuddling up in a blanket.

"Yeah but if you think about it I'd rather much live with you." He smiled.

"Nice choice there." I said running a hand through my hair.

"What about classes?" He asked.

"By then Holdyn will be one and eligible for daycare. Or I don't know. Maybe Christian or Shawn can move in with us." I said openly trying to work everything out.

"It's a lot to think about. Holdyn would need to be with you and you'd need to take classes in order to graduate. It's not a lose-lose but it'll need some pretty good scheduling." He said.

"I know. I'm working on everything." I said softly.

"Don't think too hard."

"Do I ever really think too hard?" I asked chuckling.

"You have a tendency to leave strange thoughts in your mind."

"You have a tendency to forget I don't give a fuck."

"I just want to help you."

"Asher?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

A/n

+Holdyn Lucas Andrews-Greene is my entire existence

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