Bite Me (Dan and Phil)

cabin fever nounNORTH AMERICANinformal lassitude, irritability, and similar symptoms resulting from long confinement or isolation indoors during the winter. "a great energy-burning game for exuberant Cubs with midwinter cabin fever" After weeks of being cooped up in her brothers flat with no other company than a psychotic cat who shared her name, Ginger was starting to get more than a little bit lonely. So when a stranger accidentally phones her she jumps at the chance to talk to him, that is until the gang of criminals who were out to get her break down the front door. (This story contains strong language, violence and some mature content.)


2. One

I sat on Michaels bedroom floor, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I wasn't sad, or scared or depressed, I was just empty. I didn't care any more, not about anything. The air was thick with smoke and the ash was falling onto the wooden floor. I took a swig of vodka, the liquid burning down my throat. I didn't know where he was, I hadn't seen him for weeks.

"Fuck it." I whispered to myself as I drank the rest of the vodka "Nothing matters any more." I put the cigarette out on my bare arm and curled up in a ball.

I had been curled up in a ball for at least 3 hours, for 2 of them I cried, for 59 minutes and 50 seconds I thought about how satisfying it would be to scream, and then for 10 seconds, I screamed. That's when the phone rang.

I walked slowly towards it debating whether I should pick it up or not "It could be them." I said to myself fiddling with my thumbs "But..." I sighed "It could be Michael."

I picked the phone up and held it to my ear, I didn't say anything, just listened to the ticking of the clock and the silence on the other side of the phone.

"Hello?" A male voice asked.

It wasn't them, but it also wasn't Michael.

"Who's this?" I asked sliding down the wall with the phone in my hand.

"I think I've got the wrong number."

"Oh." I was disappointed that it wasn't someone phoning to talk to me, this was the first human contact I'd had in weeks and it was from a stranger who didn't want to talk to me.

"Are you okay?" He asked "You sound sad."

A tear rolled down my face "Not really." I wiped it away with my blouse and sniffled.

"Are you crying?"

"Yes, but I shouldn't be. I'm supposed to be strong, and courageous, not crying down the phone to strangers."

"What's your name?" He asked.

"Ginger." I replied.

"Hi Ginger. I'm Phil."

"What's wrong?" Phil asked.

"I don't know. I've just been in this stupid flat alone for weeks, just me and that stupid fucking cat."

"Haven't you left? At all?"

"I can't, he told me not to leave unless he comes back. I don't think he's coming back though."


"My brother."

The line went quiet for a while and I spoke "Anyway, weren't you supposed to be phoning someone else?"

"I can do that later, I'd rather talk to you."

I smiled to myself, I didn't know him, he was just a stranger who got the wrong number but knowing that someone actually wanted to talk to me was comforting "Could you maybe phone my on my mobile then? Only I'm getting pins and needles in my arse."

I heard him laugh over the phone "What's your number?"

I gave it to him and then he hung up. My mobile rang seconds later and I ran into the kitchen to answer it.


"So tell me about this cat."

"It's my brothers, he named it after me" I paused  "which would be fine if it wasn't the devil in cat form." I grabbed a bowl and poured some cornflakes into it "So what do you do for a living?" I asked opening the fridge door and scanning it for the milk.

"I'm a youtuber." He replied.

I unscrewed the lid from the carton and smelled it "Oh god." I announced in disgust.

"What's wrong with that?" Phil asked sounding a little offended.

"Oh no I wasn't saying that about you being a youtuber." I mentally hit myself "My milks gone off, I just smelled it, not pleasant." I explained.

"Oh." He chuckled.

"So what does being a youtuber involve?" I looked in the fridge for something else to use instead of milk. Baileys, bingo.

"I basically just talk about myself and things that have happened to me. Like I'll talk about why I was a weird kid and things like that."

"Interesting. Why were you a weird kid then?" I poured the Baileys over my cereal and grabbed a spoon.

"I used to eat fish food."

I went silent for a while "I don't know what to say to that."

"And I kept a pet fly for a few days."

"Did you name it?"

"He was called MR Fly."

I laughed "Wow creative."

"Phil!" I heard someone else shout from the other side of the phone.

"Hold on." He said to me.

I put a spoon into my bowl and began eating my alcoholic cereal. My liver probably hates me.

"Did you phone the publishers?" The other voice asked.

"I was going to but then I phoned the wrong number and I got through to a girl and she was sad so I kept talking to her."

"Phil!" The other person moaned.

"She's really nice though. I'll put her on loudspeaker."

"Ginger, say hi to my friend Dan."

I still had cereal in my mouth but I started talking anyway "Hi Dan." I attempted to say before starting to choke.

"Are, are you okay?" Dan asked slowly.

I kept coughing for a while.

"This'll be a bit awkward if you die." he joked.

I eventually managed to stop choking "Remind me not to talk with cereal in my mouth."

Phil and Dan laughed "So Dan, are you a youtuber too?"

"Yeah I'm an internet cult leader."

"What do you do?" he asked.

"I used to work in admin but I've probably been fired."

"What do you mean?" Dan asked.

"Well I haven't showed up in like 3 weeks."

"Why not?"

"Because I haven't left the house for like 3 weeks."


Things were normal for the time that I was on the phone with Dan and Phil, it was almost as if I hadn't been abandoned in my brothers flat, drank my weight in alcohol, and cried for 2 hours. But then this was my life we were talking about, so normal never lasted very long.

Normality ended with a knock on the door.


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