I am Victoria

At one point you just kind of look yourself in the mirror and think "the person I've become is not the one I want to be". I've made that point. Change is just so damn hard and my past is like a haunting ghost dancing salsa in front of me. Hard to forget. Well can I just say that this is a jackass look alike warning, don't friking do it too. Too much to clean up.

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1. An honest mistake, right?

Everyone has a turning point. A point in their life where they figured out they've outdone them self in the worst way possible. When you did the one thing you've always told them self they would never, ever do. 

I think I've reached it. It's time for a change.

I have that one friend that I already know isn't a friend, she's her own friend and I'm just a piece in her puzzle so she'll feel like she's important and for now I'm okay with that. She is selfish and self-centered and I know one day when I can't keep up with her changing needs and demanding and bigoted personality, she'll find someone new. She has a boyfriend that she says she likes very much, the 8 times she cheated already in the first 9 months says differently. But I can't say anything, it's not me who should feel bad. Her list of guys she's been doing over the years is long and they're all off limits. Which is here I've sold my soul to the devil and joined the dark side this New Year. I might as well have to tell it as it is from the beginning, since my way of seeing it might not be the right way. I know it was a wrong doing, but I also managed to justify it. 

 

We just started to hang out last year around christmas time and she told me she didn't like drama and usually stayed out of it, which isn't entirely true. She just doesn't see it as drama because it's her entire persona. There's is no her without the drama. Like sex, it's a drug she needs. She needs the attention so badly it doesn't matter who's in her way. Anyway, I'm a slob when it comes to keeping track of my appointments and plans of any kind so of course that january last year I've got myself double-booked.  My original plan was to go to a high school party at my friend Crystal's boyfriend's school but I of course I've also made plans with my new friend Chloé. So I decided to bring Chloé along to the party so everyone would be happy. We've arrived a little dressed up but it's not really our thing to go all in, we come in the cloth we most likely could've been wearing all day. We still look good though, we're just casual. Her in a pair of black jeans and some kind of top with a blazer over and me wearing one of my many dresses. Sneaks all the way.

At the party there was this guy that made my heart melt a little bit every time I saw him. At any other time I didn't really think about him. With the too much dyed blond hair and the smug smile on his face Ryan was to die for. I rarely lose my cool in front of guys, but I sounded like a complete idiot every time I spoke when I was near him. So on the occasional bathroom visit I told Chloé about my tiny crush. After that, I guess it became a, Barney Stinson(HIMYM) style, challenge to get him. Well I definitely lost. Crystal already knew about my crush and sent Chloé a lot of the "what are you doing, bitch?" looks her way when she saw her flirting with him. They barely knew each other so it wasn't her place to say anything, neither did I that day. So we just watched as she got his Snapchat and Facebook while i was chatting with another friend not that far away. I didn't really know this side of her back then, so I had no idea that she was actually capable of doing that to me. She definitely was. I strongly believe in dibs and would usually never break a dibs without asking at least 10 times. I talked with her at a café a couple of days later and told her I thought it was a pretty horrible move and she promised she wouldn't do anything. They were just having a good time talking and he seemed like a nice guy, so she would like to be friends with him. According to her it wasn't my place to tell her whom she could befriend or not. In this case we definitely was in a disagreement.

I chose to trust her for no apparent reason.

Around a month later she re-showed me a very detailed list of who she's ever done it with and the unfinished ones in the bottom in the cafeteria at our school. She is fairly proud of that list, like it's her pride, her identity. The only problem was she'd just forgotten whose name was on the list. Ryan's name was on that list. So I just looked at her with my eyebrows al the way up and said "is that Ryan, Ryan?". I could see the instant panic attack she had right there and I kind of liked it. God I love being right most of the time, but right there I was furious. Could I actually trust her after that? The only response I got from her was "shit, you shouldn't have seen that". I just took my stuff and left her right there in the cafeteria. I've only known her for two months by this time but she already called me her best friend. I already had a couple of those, I just went along with it anyway. I really, truly believe she needs someone so she'll stop seeking all that attention. Maybe also some professional help, but again who am I to judge? I called her two days later and she cried and said she was so sorry and she really wanted to talk. I've been trash talking for two days to a couple of friends about the reckless behaviour she showed me. So I've of course gotten tons of advise about being bitchy and straight forward and tell her this was not how to treat me from now on. She ended up telling me instead that it was just a part of her since she actually is addicted to sex, so when she is having a tough time she does stuff like that. I just said I was the type of person who didn't lose a friend over a guy and that she'll always be my friend. I've never told her after that if I was interested in somebody, because she would most likely go all Barney on me again. 

 

So this new years we were at a party with my best friend Liv, Chloé and some of Chloé friends and classmates. Lex was a guy she slept with, whilst being with boyfriend Louis and almost broke up with Louis over, and who was hosting the party. The only problem with this was she kind of wanted to repeat the cheating. He didn't seem to want to, especially since he kissed me in the kitchen. God I felt guilty, but I didn't stop it. It was kind of nice. Even though he isn't the cutest guy ever, we actually seemed to have something to talk about. We didn't talk a lot though. Liv was supposed to sleep at my place, but around 6 in the morning she went home rather pissed at me. Even though I know New Years is kind of strange since it could be any day of the year, it is now that day and I celebrate till the sun rises. She stopped around 2. Since I was pretty drunk I thought she was doing a serious case of party pooping. She clearly doesn't see it the same way. So I ended up being the last one there. Lex asked if I wanted to stay, I really did but also thought it was really stupid. It was almost 7 and my judgement and scepticism was down so after a couple of begging looks and small protests I slept there. In his bed. I told him we wouldn't have sex when he started to kiss me and when his hands started to travel under his shirt which I was wearing. I couldn't do it to her. Besides kissing and spooning not much happened that morning. I knew besides meeting up with him with Chloé I would never hear from him again so we agreed upon keeping it at secret. Thank God, because I would probably feel worse now than I already do if people knew what mischief I've been up to. Actually Liv knows about the first kiss... But we're apparently not talking and she didn't approve of the kiss so I might keep it a secret even for her. 

 

So since I abandoned all of my morals and beliefs in 2015 when I almost slept with a guy my friend really liked and my best friend won't talk to me because I ditched her for the same guy...  I need to do something so I can repair this damage. Big screw-ups needs even more repairing. Well this is only the beginning of the list, unfortunately.            

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