Ok so I decided I want to be more open with you guys and I just want to say, give me no grief, no sympathy, nothing. This was a long time ago and I just want to prove to you that no matter how low you can get in your lifetime, there is always a way out.
You may see me as the happy go lucky, anime loving, hopelessly romantic nut case but I was not always like that. It all started just before my 13th birthday after hearing the words: 'I don't love you'
I knew that there was something going on between my Mum and Dad. He was avoiding her every encounter, staying at work late almost every night for months and going out on 'golf trips' (in quotations for a reason). Then it all spilled one night while I was lying awake listening to them arguing downstairs, there was no physical confrontation, just loud words. I was just so relieved my sister was asleep throughout all this. She was only 5. My whole world came to a standstill when my Mum demanded what was going on. And he said those dreaded words 'I don't love you. I want to break up.' No reason nothing. He just said it. This was on 1st of October, 21 days before my sister's birthday and 25 before mine. Of course you can tell that isn't something you want to hear just before the most exciting day of a child's life.
I went downstairs to verify he didn't mean what he said. I was a Daddy's girl you see and that was the last thing I wanted to hear. That he would never come back home. But what I saw instead was my Mum in floods of tears, my Dad not reassuring her. They just stood there, staring at me as I stared back, silent in disbelief. 'Lozzie, go back upstairs' Mum whispered. I could see she was upset, but as much as I wanted to hug her, I did as I was told.
The next day I was at school. Silent. I didn't speak to my friends, I pushed them away, I was aggressive, shouting at them for playfully teasing me, and as soon as they asked what was going on, that was when I knew I was all alone. This was a reality that I was not going to come out of. They really were going to split, leave my Mum in a fragile state with two children while he went gallivanting God knows where. 'MY PARENTS ARE SPLITTING!!!' I screamed at the top of my lungs at them down the corridor, before fleeing so they couldn't hear me crying. I didn't want anyone to know I was crying. But they ran after me and tried to comfort me, even though I didn't want it. But I did. I knew I needed them. They took me to see a teacher to see if they could help, but I didn't want to be seen as a screwed up child who needed help for anger, self-loathing and self-pity, so I refused in the end.
He came home that night, but he didn't speak to Mum. They usually sat together on the same sofa watching TV together, while I had the bigger sofa all to myself, but they sat apart. I felt stuck in the middle. I didn't know who to side up with, my Mum who was in pieces, in as bad a state as me, or my Dad, who was the one I always looked up to. He slept on the sofa that night.
Mum begged him to stay for mine and my sister's birthday. He agreed with much reluctance. I knew he wanted out. I wish he did leave there and then. Seeing and knowing what was going on was sickening. I was just so glad my sister had no idea what was going on. 'Remain blind.' I thought
He left after a day of just me and him together on November 1st. I wish we never had that day. It gave me hope that maybe he would stay and it would work out, but it didn't. He didn't say goodbye to me while I lay in bed awake again and he didn't say goodbye to my sister. As soon as he left, Mum came charging up into my room, crying into my arms. She was broken, as was I, but I refused to show it. What good would it do expressing my feelings? I believed at the time nothing.
Weeks on weeks on weeks just silence, tears from Mum and cries from my sister. She didn't understand, but I had to comfort her when she asked when he was coming back home. He wasn't and she just didn't understand.
I didn’t cry though. Well, not in front of them, just on my own in my room. I was the broken fragile girl all the time I was alone. I didn’t want to show how I really felt in front of Mum or my sister. They needed me, so I never cried. I just shrouded myself in an emotionless state, hugged them and looked after them in their time of need. I had to take my phone away from Mum because she found a picture of him on there and it set her off again. I deleted everything before I gave it back to her. I deleted everything on my phone of him. At that moment in time, I didn’t want anything to do with him.
I hadn’t seen him in a month when we were finally allowed to see him again. I was excited, being the girl I was. Mum asked me to find out whether there was another woman, but I denied him ever doing something like that. I thought he wouldn’t.
Mum took her rage towards him out on me when I got home because I said I had a good time out. I couldn’t blame her, she didn’t know what she was doing. But it made me despise myself more. Is it a mistake seeing him? Is it my fault they broke up? Maybe I should just hide away for the rest of my life, since everyone hates me? Should I kill myself and remove myself from existence? Will that make them happy? If I wasn’t here? Maybe…
I found them. I found out that he was seeing someone else. I had his phone and I accidently went onto WhatsApp not knowing what it was at the time. There were messages from a girl. Ones that ended in ‘Love you’ and kisses on the end. I hid away again, so he wouldn’t find out. I was scared he would get mad. He was scary when he was mad. I got home and told Mum. But she seemed happy. That was when she said to me ‘I am seeing someone.’ I don’t think I could have smiled wider. Maybe this was a new hope.
Dad also admitted he was seeing someone, but Mum and some other relatives believed he was cheating. I found that out too. Pictures uploaded on his laptop of him and her kissing in July 2010. He was cheating, and I caught him out. I printed them and brought them home to Mum. She just laughed. Laughed and cried at the same time. Happy she caught him out. Sad that he would do such a thing…again. Yes this was not the only occasion he was caught out. It happened before when I was a baby.
That was when I realised, my Dad was not the man I thought he was. I began to despise him and his girlfriend. I felt like killing her.
Me and Mum had an argument. I was at an all time low again. She told me to live with my Dad for a while, but I refused. When she almost demanded it and pulled out a bag, I ran to the bathroom and pulled out some pills. I said I wanted to kill myself. Because I thought it would be best for everyone, but when Mum broke down when I said that, I knew I was wrong. She needed me so I couldn’t do such a thing. And what about my sister? I wouldn’t want her in the same situation I was in.
At school, I became angry. I argued with everyone. A lot of people hated me. Teachers would have to calm me down because someone made me mad. I wanted to hurt something or someone to make me feel better. Or even better, for everyone to just leave me alone so I could just sit silently by myself and just cry myself into oblivion. But that didn’t happen. I put on a hard front instead and tried to make out what happened didn’t affect me. Boy was I wrong. It was affecting me constantly. Mum was happy, my sister was happy but I just couldn’t be happy.
Phases of happiness, sadness and anger. Then finally, I came clean to a teacher about what had happened. Everything. She listened, gave me no grief and just chatted to me. We ended up changing topics altogether and we spoke for ages. It was the best I felt in a while. She encouraged me to say how I felt to Mum. And she listened too. We hugged it out and I felt so much lighter. As if a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. With the help of Mum, my friends and my teachers, I began to feel like my happy self again. I started to watch anime and read manga like I used to, my grades went back up again and my anger just died down into almost nothingness.
I don’t see my Dad that much anymore. He’s married but I don’t care. He can live a happy life without me. After all he brought it on himself. Now he’s missing out on my sister growing up into the successful girl she is and he doesn’t even know what I have been up to. But I like it that way. I have a Mum and a Stepdad and we could never be closer, and me and my sister, despite the age gap are the best of friends. I couldn’t be any happier than where I am now. I am cheerful, have a sense of humour and love going out. This is opposite to what I was back then, and I have no intention of going back.
So what I am trying to say is, there is a way out of it all. You can find a way to fight through your depression like me and Mum did. We had each other and friends and family who are always by our side. Reach out to people and they will help you. You may not think it will but goddamn it does. That is a promise from someone who has been there done that. Yes maybe I have not had as bad a situation as you have, but trust me, it made me realise how low life can get, but there is always a resolution, always help, always a light. I fought my way out of depression, so if I can, so can you!
Please, if anyone is ever feeling low or are right now, just read my story. It can show that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is not heaven, it’s the rest of your life. Don’t cut it short because of something that is going on now or in the past, because it will get better. It always does. I went through s*** but now look at me! I don’t think I have ever felt this happy, even before the ordeal. In fact, it brought the better out of me.
Reach out to anyone. Everyone. They will help.
Well, that’s me done for now. And if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to listen to you, I am here. I love you guys and that won’t change.