All My Fault

Charley McKinley had it all, she knew what she wanted in life and would stop at nothing until she got it. She had the world in the palm of her hand. That is, until one night with her ex-boyfriend turns her life around. (C) November 2015 NOTE // please if you or anyone you know has ever been raped, TELL SOMEONE. It's okay to tell someone and it's okay to get help. I know it can be hard, but it's what's best. Also, IT IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT. lack of the word "no", being unconscious, being drunk, and silence DO NOT MEAN YES. only YES MEANS YES. //make sure you fav this & fan me so you can get updates on when a new chapter is posted!//

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4. Chapter 4

Moving or transferring schools would be too obvious, so would homeschooling. No matter if I left or stayed, all attention would be drawn on to me and it was the sort of attention I couldn't handle. 

Fifteen weeks and nobody except my friends and family knew. That's how I liked it. It hurt that I couldn't play lacrosse this season, I told my coach I really had to focus on my AP classes but I would be ready for fall workouts. It wasn't a complete lie, and thankfully she bought it and just let it go. No one asked me any questions about my baggy clothing, constant mood swings, and my sudden gain in appetite. If they did, I wouldn't have any decent answers without giving away the fact that I was pregnant.

Nineteen weeks. Four and a half months. Half of my term.

That's how long I managed to keep Dylan out of it. My baby bump was showing a little more, but I was still hiding it pretty well. "Hey, babe." Dylan walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. I managed to squirm out of his grip but he was persistent. 

"Get off of me." I kept walking but he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. 

"You little slut. You have sex with me, then you don't even talk to me again?" His grip tightened the more I tried to move away.

"Dylan, seriously. Get off of me. I don't want to talk to you, and as far as I'm concerned, nothing happened that night." 

"Maybe you need a little refresher." He pulled me close to him and leaned in for a kiss. I dodged the kiss, which was a mistake. Dylan held up his fist and lunged. "Listen here, you little bitch, you don't piss me off. You piss me off, and well, you know what happens when I get pissed off."

"Dylan. Please, please just back away." Somehow, my bump showed and he saw. 

"Wait, what the f-," he paused and backed up, "are you fucking pregnant?" Tears started to form and my vision blurred. All I could manage was a nod. "Is it..mine?"

"Does it even matter? I don't want you involved. I didn't even was to tell you! Because to me, you're just a faint memory. A bruise from the past. This kid? Is mine. Okay? Mine and Alex's. Don't ever come near me again. Please just, go."

"You're a fucking slut. And the whole school deserves to know this. You're gonna ruin this place's reputation."

"Yeah, well, you ruined mine. So I guess it's even, right?"

"Whatever, whore. I'm done." Dylan walked away and I just stood in the empty hallway. Just like that everything I worked for in the past four and a half months was ruined. Dylan knew and that meant soon enough more and more people would know. And that was something I wasn't ready for. 

That afternoon I had another doctor's appointment. This time Alex went with me. 

In the waiting room, I kept shaking. My knee wouldn't stop trembling and I kept looking around. "Babe, you okay?"

"He knows."

"He?"

"Dylan! Dylan knows! He tried to kiss me, then tried to hit me when I dodged it. I guess my bump showed a little and he saw and flipped out. I told him that as far as I was concerned this kid is yours, not his. And that I don't want him involved." 

"Okay well, I don't think he'll ever get close to you again. You and I are gonna find out the sex of this baby, and then we're gonna go get some really good burgers, sounds like a plan?" Alex reached out his hand and I chuckled, resting my head on his shoulder.

"That sounds like an amazing plan." Alex and I were goofing off when the nurse went into the waiting room and called us in. We stood up and followed the nurse into the little room. I laid down on the table and lifted my shirt. The gel was cold and I just turned towards Alex. He stared at the sonogram screen and tears brimmed his eyes. 

"Charley, do you want to look?"

"I...I don't know." My voice was shaking and I kept my eyes away from the screen. I couldn't look. I wanted to, but I couldn't. 

"Okay, well, everything looks good and the doctor should be right in." The nurse left and I squeezed my eyes shut. 

"Charley, you have to look. It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it's inside of you. You are literally carrying life inside of you."

"Alex..." Just then the doctor came in and sat down next to me. 

"Charley! How are we doing today? I take it this is the boyfriend?"

"Long version or short?" I let out a small chuckle.

"Long, we've got the time. And if there's anyone who understands your situation, it's me, remember?"

"Well, I had a confrontation with the baby's dad today. There was shoving involved and lots of yelling and name calling. Basically I told him I didn't want him involved and that this kid is min and Alex's, not his. Regardless of what biology says."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," I just shrugged as the doctor watched the sonogram screen. "well, do you want to find out the sex?" Alex and I stared at each other and he nodded his head. 

"I mean, I guess..."

"It's a boy. A healthy baby boy." I turned my head to face the screen. And there he was. A small human was inside me and in four months I was going to be responsible for him for the rest of both our lives. Tears were falling and I just held on to Alex.

"Alright, everything seems to be in order. I'll give you guys a minute." Dr. Muskowitz smiled and excused herself. I wiped the gel off my stomach and pulled my shirt down. Both Alex and I were crying as we stared at the frozen image on the screen. I couldn't understand how something so beautiful could be a result from someone so ugly. 

After a moment, we grabbed our things and headed out. Alex and I grabbed some burgers, as he promised, and I tried to talk about anything but the baby. 

"You have any plans for spring break?" 

"Probably gonna be doing a lot of reading and sleeping and eating honestly. Sucks that I can't join in on all the fun stuff going on...I blame myself."

"Charley, for the millionth time. It was a rape, you can't blame yourself." 

"Again with the rape! It wasn't rape, okay? Yes it was violent, but it was my fault. Can we please talk about something else?"

"Alright how bout names?" I shot Alex a glare and he lifted his hands in surrender, "alright not baby talk, got it. I'm guessing you're looking forward to September?"

"More than anything. But whatever, listen I'm really tired so can you please just drop me off at home?" Alex agreed and we left the diner. The car ride was silent and he dropped me off with only a kiss goodbye. I walked into my house and shouted letting everyone know I was home. 

"So, did you find out the sex of the baby?" 

"I did."

"And?"

"And, I don't want to reveal anything until a little later. I was thinking at the baby shower. And do one of those cool gender reveal things." 

"Alright and how was the rest of your day?"

"Perfectly fine. I'm tired, so I'm just gonna go and take a nap I guess," I hauled everything upstairs and shut my bedroom door behind me. I took my sweatshirt off and examined my bump in the mirror. In a few months, the bump would be gone, but then that just meant another living person would be brought into this world. And I still hadn't grasped that concept. 

Part of me wanted to tell Aly about my alteration with Dylan, but the other part of me wanted to pretend it never happened. All of me wanted to pretend that the past four and a half months never happened. 

Because as far as I was concerned I never had sex with Dylan.

I wasn't raped.

I was just stupid.

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