It's been about a week since my friends found, and so far they've done a fairly decent job of keeping it between us. Alex doesn't suspect anything and I'm okay with that. I couldn't risk him or my parents finding out until I figured out what I was going to do first.
"You guys are coming with me to my doctor's appointment, right?"
"Of course, Charles."
"Yeah, we wouldn't miss it." I had my first doctor's appointment and to say I was terrified was an understatement. I was nervous, I didn't know what to expect and I especially did not want to be judged. I come from a town where teenage pregnancy isn't necessarily common. If word got out that I was pregnant, my entire family and I would be outcasts, and I didn't want to put that burden on them. People in this small town were traditional, and those who weren't traditional were very careful. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't so careful. I would be my high school's first teen mom and that put me in a position I didn't want to be in.
"Hey, babe." Alex came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"So, what are we doing tonight?"
"Well, we," I signaled to me, Bailey, and Avalon, "are going shopping and then having girl's night which involves a whole lotta studying for Biology." I really hoped he wouldn't suspect anything. The second half was true, though, so it's not like I was completely lying to him.
"Damn, sorry I have to miss out on that. But seriously, Charley I feel like I never see you anymore. Is everything okay?" Alex and I walked to the cafeteria, his arm wrapped around my waist.
"I know, everything's okay. I promise I'll tell you if there's anything to tell." I turned to face him and gave him a kiss. "How bout, we go out to that cute little cafe over on Main Street tomorrow? The one with all the artwork and paintings."
"That sounds perfect." Alex leaned in to give me another kiss. I smiled and for a moment I completely forgot about everything that was going on. I wanted to stay in that moment forever, in my boyfriend's arms, completely oblivious to our surroundings.
After class, I waited in the school parking lot impatiently. Going to this appointment meant everything was real. It meant I was actually going to be responsible for another life growing inside me. It meant I had to take on responsibilities I didn't even want in the first place. Finally Bailey and Avalon came running out of the building, Bailey in her cheer uniform and Avalon in her rehearsal clothes for the musical. "FINALLY."
"Sorry! I had to come up with some bullshit lie as to why I had to leave practice early. I have to be back in time for the game tonight, though, it's the state championships."
"Yeah, and the musical is a week from today..."
"I know and I'm sorry you guys have to lie, but the sooner we get going, the sooner we get this over with and the sooner you guys can come back." I got in the passenger seat of Bailey's car and we drove in silence to the doctor.
The waiting room was bland and boring. Posters of pregnancy stages and fetuses were on the tan walls. The chairs were uncomfortable and the magazines were all parenting magazines. It felt weird, being sixteen and sitting in the waiting room of an OB-GYN's office. Thankfully the only other people in the room were Bailey and Avalon. The secretary didn't exactly greet us warmly, but at least she was the only one. Finally, I heard my name being called, "Charlotte McKinley?"
I looked up, "Uh, Charley. Yeah, that's me."
"Why don't you come on back, Charley?" The nurse held the door open and smiled at me. Finally, a first friendly face.
"If it's okay, I'd like my friends with me."
"Alright, that's okay." The three of us followed the nurse into the back. My heart started beating really fast when we walked into the room. The sonogram screen was what threw me off a little bit. "Nervous?"
"That is quite the understatement." I nervously chuckled.
"Alright, Miss McKinley you are sixteen?" I nodded my head. "And the father?"
"Nope, no father. Just me. I don't want him involved with any of this. He doesn't even know I'm...you know." The nurse was jotting stuff down on the clipboard.
"Alright, well just lay on down and the doctor will be here shortly." The nurse left and my friends stood on either side of me, holding my hands assuring me that everything was going to be okay, even though I knew it really wasn't. The doctor then came in shortly after. She was short and looked like she didn't have much experience.
"Hi there Charley, I'm Dr. Karina Muskowitz and I'll be working with you for the next few months and I'll be the one delivering your baby. I take it this is your first?"
"Is it that obvious?" I awkwardly joked. Dr. Muskowitz laughed which made me a little less nervous.
"I was fifteen when I had Antonio. He's sixteen now, goes to Holy Trinity, which I see is where you go." She pointed to Bailey's cheer uniform and Avalon's t-shirt that said "Holy Trinity Prep"
"No way, you're Tony's mom? He's my boyfriend's best friend!" the doctor laughed again before she got started. The gel was cold on my stomach and I shut my eyes.
"Are you sure you don't want to see it?" It was real. I shook my head, mainly because I didn't want it to be real. Seeing it meant it was real and I wasn't ready to accept that. Bailey and Avalon squeezed my hands and tears started forming in my eyes. "Alright, well I'll make you a copy of the DVD, just in case you change your mind at any point. But everything looks great." I wiped the gel off my stomach and pulled my shirt down. I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth slowly. I started crying again and my friends just hugged me and attempted to comfort me. Avalon started crying too and all I wanted was to get out of there. The doctor pulled Bailey aside and I watched as they talked. "She said she has a boyfriend, but she said she doesn't want him involved? I get its her choice it just doesn't add up unless she was unfaithful." So basically I was a little slut?
"Its actually not like that at all. Um, the father is her ex-boyfriend. Neither know, especially the father. Um, Charley...Charley was raped by her ex. She claims its not, but all the signs are there. Do you..do you think there's any sort of therapy or support group?" I couldn't stand to hear this anymore. Why couldn't they understand that I wasn't raped. I deserve this, I wasn't faithful to Alex. I had sex with my ex-boyfriend and now I have to suffer the consequences. I got up and shoved past Avalon and the doctor. Dr. Muskowitz's face was shocked and concerned. She began writing something down but I just ran out of the office. I got into Bailey's car and started crying again. I just wanted all of this to be over, I wish it never even happened in the first place.
"CHARLEY! You can't just walk out like that!"
"Yeah? Well you can't just go around telling people I was raped! That's a serious accusation!"
"It is serious! And thats why you need to accept the fact that DYLAN RAPED YOU!" I started hyperventilating as flashbacks of Dylan trying kiss me and get on top of me entered my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and started crying.
"SHUT UP, AVALON. SHUT THE HELL UP. You don't know what you're talking about!" I started sobbing uncontrollably and heaving.
"GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD, CHARLEY. Were you conscious when it happened?"
"Barely, but I could've still controlled it more."
"Did you ever say yes?"
"No, but I didn't exactly say no either."
"See, he took advantage of you and thats not okay."
"No, Avalon, what's not okay is that you're turning nothing into something too big. It's already bad enough I'm freaking pregnant, I don't need to add rape in to the mix."
"God, Charley. You're so STUPID. Open your damn eyes to the situation."
"Avalon, we can't force her to admit or accept anything if she's not ready. It has to be her choice." Bailey was surprisingly calm during this. She was teary-eyed but she wasn't screaming or sobbing like me and Avalon.
"For the millionth time, Avalon," my voice got quieter, "I wasn't raped. I was just stupid. It's all my fault." Bailey started the engine and the car ride back to the school was silent. I know they were trying to help and protect me, but they needed to understand that I brought all of this upon myself and I had to pay for my actions.
I wasn't raped.
I was just stupid.