I sat in the kitchen, in my wheelchair, with a coffee cup in hand. The children were out in the yard playing. Harry sat in the phone and called around to get the help we could get. We needed something so that I could roll out on my own, outdoors. We needed a lift in the shower so that I could take a shower, alone. It was much as was needed, because now I was unable to walk. I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to scream. Damn, I hated life and actually I wondered sometimes if it had been better if I had died.
Harry finally came into the kitchen and he smiled at me. He kissed me on the cheek and that was almost everything I allowed. I had started pushing him away. I didn't want his presence, because I didn't wanted to show off my body. I didn't want his presence because the memory of Liam always took over. I chose to smile, although I screamed inside.
He sat down and he smiled big at me. He smiled as if I was the only woman on earth and I knew he could find better than me.
"We get everything." he whispered happily. "I called an organization that helps those who don't get help right away and they promised to arrange everything."
I should be happy, and I should be grateful.
Harry nodded. I saw at him that he missed me. He wanted the old Kim back, but she was gone. I sipped the coffee and I looked at the yard again. Perhaps it was best to tell the truth? I couldn't be his ideal wife, not any more.
"You want to come out today?" he asked kindly. I frowned.
"No, I stay inside."
He seemed to hesitate.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded tired.
"Yes, I'm sure."
I should be grateful, but I was everything else. It was a struggle with everything and I was really missing my two gorgeous legs and feet. I saw how Harry went out to the kids and I saw how they ran around with the dog in the yard. I started to cry. I felt outside but I had myself to blame. I saw before me the time when I could participate in the games. Now I was just a handicapped mother.
"I love you!"
Harry lay close to my back and he held me. I swallowed and I felt panic.
"Please release me."
"But I want nothing, I just want to be near you!"
Harry slipped away from me and I felt the emptiness after him, but I didn't want that. He didn't need to show me any love. He didn't need to show me anything. I was still just a hopeless case and I wasn't worth more than what they had been sawn away from my body.
People came and made our home. I got a shower as I could handle by myself, I even got a special toilet seat for those like me. They put a ramp to the door, and they talked about that we could get a lift up to the top floor. I was tired. I didn't want their help, but I smiled and I tried to look pleased.
I looked tired at Hanna. She smiled uncertainly and she came up to me. I tried to smile.
"What is it?"
She smiled a little bigger.
"We'll have a play at school for the summer and I've got a part. Will you see that?" She put her head askew. "I have already said that my mom will come."
No, I didn't want to show them her mom. I smiled.
"Of course I will!"
She lit up like the sun, and she hugged me tightly.
"Oh thanks mom!"
I sighed. Damn, I didn't want to come to school and show off that I was unable to take care of myself. I just wanted to scream, but she was my daughter and she couldn't understand.
In the end, Harry pulled me into the bedroom. The children were upstairs and they were playing a game, or something. He sat on the bed and I saw at him that it was serious.
"OK, what is it?"
"What is what?"
He rolled his eyes and he suspected that I would be quiet as the wall.
"Come on!" he got up. "You do everything for us to hate you and you don't even try to be with the family?"
I replied with a sigh.
"I'm with you but I have no legs! It's not easy to be in a family where everyone runs."
He took a calming breath and he looked straight at me.
"YOU have a wheelchair and you can make your way much faster than us. That's no excuse."
I just wanted to scream.
"Thats good?" I got up cold. "I'm faster than you just because I'm sitting in this damn wheelchair? Damn what a good wife you have."
Harry was quiet. I saw that he was suffering and I saw that he wanted to help me, but I didn't want his help.
"I love you, with and without that wheelchair."
I rolled my eyes.
"So you want a woman who can't get around on her own? You want me here just because I need help and you feel you are doing something for another person? I'm not even a normal woman!"
I started to cry. Everything just came out of me.
"You can find something better, Harry, someone who not only has the problem.You can be hell find a better wife than what you have."
Harry just sat quietly on the bed and he looked at me with love. I just wanted to beat him, banging in the truth.
"I can't even take a shower normally and what am I for a woman. I have no legs, I only have two fucking sticks that stand out and how sexy is that?"
"And the kids can run, but I can't run on the lawn and I can't walk around with them in the city or accompany them to school. Everyone will just stare and I'm sure they know I was locked up in a fucking room with Liam. They probably already know that he fucked me and he took away everything that was me."
I was really weeping. I couldn't even see him, the tears just flowed. I was shaking and I didn't know what more to say.
"Please, Harry, make me whole again!"
He smiled and he lifted me up in his arms and sat me down on his lap. He hugged me and he rocked me like I was a small child. He kissed my hair and he waited for me to become calmer. I sobbed and I looked down at my half legs.
"I'm not worth anything." I whispered hoarsely. "I don't look at myself any more and I'm not even proud of myself."
I was about to fall asleep. We just sat there and he just held me, without requiring anything and without saying a single word. I sobbed, and finally I was just totally exhausted.
"Do you know one thing, Kim?" he whispered tenderly. "You are still here and I still see that woman that I once fell in love with. I still see a wonderful person who can make my heart jump for joy just by a smile. Our children see a mom who has sense enough to guide them, although she can't do the same things today."
He kissed my forehead, and he hugged me almost hard.
"You're the one I want and it doesn't matter that the two legs went away. I've got you here and now and I wont ever leave you."
I took my arms around him. I just want to feel him against me, preserve this feeling and I just wanted to stop time.
"Why can you love me?" I whispered hoarsely. "I'm broken."
"I'm going to heal you, part by part and I will tell you I love you, even when you hate me. It doesn't matter, you are mine."
I was quiet. Harry was quiet and we only heard each other's breath. I just sat there and I just felt safe.
"What will happen?" I asked. He smiled and took his hand under my chin. He lifted my face so that I saw him.
"We continue. Whatever happens and what tomorrow may give to us, we continue to struggle. I wont give up and you can't give up."
Gently I rolled out the front door. I saw the ramp, as was there for me. I swallowed.
"You can do it mom!" I heard Charlie say behind me. I nodded and gently, I kept the wheels in my hands. I slowly rolled down and finally I heard the wheels reached the ground. I smiled weakly and I turned my head around. Everyone was tense.
Cheers were heard. Hanna jumped up and down, and Charlie did the same. Harry was just doing thumbs up.
"You see, darling, it's pretty easy to get out?"
I tried with little effort. I was trying to slowly learn to take care of myself and finally I could also slide from wheelchair to bed on my own. It was as if I realized that it was possible to live, even if I lacked the ability to to walk around.
"You're just going to the shops with us!"
Harry gave me a stern and knowing look.
"I wont go alone again to find clothes for Hanna. I want to purchase a certain type of clothing, and she just wants pink dresses."
"So there has been a problem?"
He nodded and he showed with the entire body that it was still a problem.
"You are her mother and you must mention that she can't have a summer dress to school when it's cold outside."
I just grinned.
"Okay!" I got up. "I go with you."
It was the first time that I was out in this way. I quickly noticed that people saw me, not only because I showed up, but because I couldn't walk. I struggled with myself, but it was exhausting. It was as if everyone saw, but asked Harr, as if I couldn't talk. In the end, even Harry become irritated.
"Yes, she's in a wheelchair, but you can actually talk to her. She isn't deaf."
I smiled at him. My knight!
We stopped at a diner and quickly Harry went away to get coffee and cookies and juice. I slid toward the table and Hanna sat down next to me.
"Mom, do you know why everyone staring?"
"Yes, it's because I'm in a wheelchair?"
"No dummy" she got up. "They stare because they also want a wheelchair. They have to walk but you can just sit there and they're jealous."
I looked up at her. Okay, she had a different opinion than me. I smiled a little bit.
"Are you jealous?"
She nodded quickly, and she blushed.
"I had quicker got to school and I didn't have to stand when I'll talk to the class. Yes, I also want to have one."
A spontaneous hug, which Harry destroyed. He came to the table and he smiled curiously. Hanna released me and she smiled at him.
"Dad, I also want a wheelchair."
He sat down.
"Okay, but you actually have legs to walk with."
"It's just a very small detail."
"Hannah, I understand but be grateful that you have your two legs left."
She sighed deeply.
"But maybe I can get one from Santa Claus? I can write to him to think of me when he's giving away wheelchairs?"
Harry slipped into bed next to me and he had that look. I shook my head quickly.
He smiled and he lay down near me.
I rolled my eyes.
"I see what you want, I say no!"
He laughed and he let his hand slide across my stomach up over my breasts.
"Not even kiss your beautiful breasts?" he whispered hoarsely. "I've missed them!"
I frowned. He took his hand over one of my breasts. I had no bra on and immediately reacted to the nipple. He let his hand rub and he looked into my eyes.
"I miss you."
I felt a tingle. He let his hand slide down and he let it directly come in inside my panties. I whimpered when his fingers reached my clit. Slowly he brought his fingers around and slowly I felt my body woke up.
"You don't have to." he muttered hoarsely. "I can do everything for you."
I felt how he took over. He pulled up her nightgown and he kissed my breasts. I felt two fingers penetrated and I realized that my body was missing him. He sucked on my nipple, like that time as he had once had done and I reacted the same way. I pulled my fingers through his hair and I whimpered. I was close, so close.
Harry undressed me and he lay down on top of me. I could no longer take my legs around him, but the effect was still the same. He kissed me with love and I felt he was moving in me. He was soft, but at the same time so hard. I moaned and I wanted more. He squeezed it all inside me and he did it with love. His lips were perfect against mine and he got me to love again.
When the orgasm ran through my body I had to bite my lip to keep from crying. I felt it spread, also in the leg that wasn't there. It was as if the whole body just landed in wonderful condition, that I had forgotten existed. Harry groaned and he was fast. He came after me and I felt his body buckled. He pumped in and he filled me.
I cried. I don't know why, but I think it was happy tears. I hugged him tight and I refused to let him go. Harry put his lips on my cheek and I felt how he wanted to stay over me.
"Nothing has changed!" he whispered hoarsely. "You are still the same sexy woman as ever and you must start to see it."
He lifted his head.
"No, you must!"
He looked into my eyes and he smiled awry.
"You are so beautiful that I must eat you."
I laughed a little bit.
"There's not much to eat?"
He was grinning.
"And you know that for a fact?"
"Yes, and I don't want you to become a cannibal."
He laughed and he kissed me hard.
"I promise!" he murmured. "Look but not eat?"