A Brand New Little Britain Episode

Here is my own 'Little Britain' episode with my favourite characters in brand new sketches.

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5. Ray McCooney - Swimming Pool

EXT. YE OLDE HOTELE – DAY

It is raining outside the hotel, with a man and a woman sun-bathing on sun lounges.

NARRATOR (V/O):

Scotland is always the one to visit in any and every Must-See destination books. Even better than Disneyland.

INT. YE OLDE HOTELE – SWIMMING POOL – DAY

The swimming pool is big and large with two water slides. Children are playing in it, while the grown-ups are relaxing in the Jacuzzi or in the steam room. Ray McCooney is walking around it with a health inspector (played by Matt Lucas in a Scottish accent).

RAY:

And, finally, this is the swimming pool. Inspect it yourself.

Ray plays the drums to a nervous beat. The Health Inspector begins to inspect, with Ray following him very closely.

HEALTH INSPECTOR:

Well, I'm very impressed.

Ray plays the piccolo in triumph music.

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT'D):

But, Mr. McCooney…

RAY:

Y-y-y-ye-e-e-es-s-s-s?

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT'D):

…I must ask you some questions. Have you had any pests here?

RAY:

Maybe I have and maybe I haven't.

Ray plays the tuba.

HEALTH INSPECTOR:

Well?

RAY:

Well, I was relaxing on this sundeck here (sits on it) and I began to play the pipe.

He plays the pipes and rats come all over the place! Everyone screams and gets out of the pool! Ray quickly opens the emergency doors, plays the flute and the rats all scurry out. He shuts the doors and calls to the customers.

RAY (CONT'D):

Everyone, please! They've gone! Come back and have fun.

The customers nervously do so.

HEALTH INSPECTOR (CONT'D):

Anything else?

RAY:

Ah, y-y-y-ye-e-e-es-s-s-s! I was checking the water of this pool here and I was a little bored so I decided to play this snake flute.

Ray places the flute and out of the water shoots up the cobra snakes! Everyone screams and gets out and runs out and they don't come back! Ray and the Inspector are left alone.

RAY (CONT'D):

Well, Mr. Potter, that's all. Let me put this bag in the rubbish bin and then we'll go upstairs.

He puts the bag in the bin and then a large fox dives into the bin. Later, a whole litter of foxes appear in the room. All Ray can do is smile at the Inspector.

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