Aries: hitting a police officer
Gemini: car chase
Cancer: not paying taxes
Virgo: is actually innocent
Libra: facebook hacking
Scorpio: mass murderer
Sagittarius: jumping into a fountain
Capricorn: trying to cash a stolen check
Aquarius: going into area 51
Pisces: grew a massive field of weed
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The ultimate cover store... *cue dramatic jazz music*