10. Done trying
I'm done trying. I'm done trying to eat. I'm done trying to stop exercising. I'm done getting judged at school, because my friends don't think I have lost any weight. I'm done.
No matter what I do or think, anorexia now controls that thought or action. If I lye on the floor and do 50 crunches, anorexia will force me to do 100 more. If I think of eating, I think "remember the carbs. Remember that full feeling. Remember the people at school that haven't seen progress yet. Remember thinspiration. Remember." so I am done trying to eat.
I didn't realize it till today but I tap my foot really fast or move my shoulders up and down to burn extra calories. I didn't even think about it, my anorexia did for me. Bulimia seems vanished by now. I feel like I no longer will eat for at least two full weeks. And then I will probably eat a small thing, purge it, and starve for another two weeks. Let's see what happens.